Sometimes I get scared!!!

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I just had to share this here. I found this beautiful, and I feel most of the time the same way. Please take a peek, I found this on tumblr.


It’s taken me 44 years to find you. You are amazing and I’m thankful every day that our paths crossed, our friendship blossomed, and our love for each other grew stronger.

But some days, I’m scared. Scared that we won’t make it through this part of our journey. Scared that the distance will win out. Scared that the amazing relationship we have will never have a chance to blossom into what we both know it can be.

I’m scared that one day I will look back and wonder “what if”. What if we had met sooner in life? What if we had just held on a little longer? What if I was a better partner in crime or a better little s? What if my heart can never heal from the scars I have from the loss of you? What if we had just thrown caution to the wind and moved in together sooner? What if I had told you and had shown you more just how special you are to me and that I’d move heaven and earth to prove it to you? I get scared that one day I won’t be able to hear your voice or the little phrases that you say each time we talk. They make me smile.

I get scared that one day you’ll realize a relationship with someone else is easier, because let’s be honest, this D/s stuff is a lot of work. I can be challenging. I cry. I’m sappy.

I fish to hear that you love me. My brain spins nonstop. I’m scared that all the good reasons to be with me and love me can’t outweigh the bad.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to wake up in your arms every day or hear you walk through the front door after work. That I’ll never truly know what our 24/7 feels like because we never got a chance to live it. I’m not afraid of hard work and the ups and downs we will face as a couple. I know there are challenges ahead. The thought of moving half way across the country is daunting, but I’d rather face every challenge with you than to know what it’s like to live without you.

Sometimes I’m scared and I just need to hear you say it’s ok. We are in this together and we will close the distance. I just need to hear you say, “I love you, pet and nothing is going to change that” because sometimes I get scared.


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I am afraid!!!

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So I went and had my cat scan last friday. it was rather scary. The woman that was doing the cat scan said that I might want to see my doctor before the scheduled time. WTF, is that supposed to mean???? So now I am even more worried.

Though last night I had a melt down. I know I shouldn’t stress over what is going on. Simply because I dont know what it is! Lets get real for a moment. No matter who tells me not to stress, and no matter how hard I try not too, I am STILL going to stress!!!

Not just stress, I am going to think about things that could possibly go wrong. I am going to wonder if I am going to live and if not, how long do I have, what can I do to prepare for the future, who will take care of my daughter when I am gone. Etc.

So I broke down, because when I try to talk about this with people, I get the…Dont worry about it, or…Everything is going to be fine!!!

Sure I appreciate their reassurances, but I NEED to talk about this. I NEED to discuss the different angles, and now I feel like I have no one out there to talk too. That no one understands what I am going through, or even wants to talk about this. I know it is hard. I dont like discussing death and plans after with anyone either, but if they NEED it…I am there!!!

I havent been sleeping well on top of it. I just toss and turn mostly, and it is starting to wear me down. What is more weird is that I keep having dreams that I am having surgery on my head, and I come out afterwards either not waking up from the medicine, or I am brain dead, or I end up paralyzed etc.

I just need one night of good sleep, and a nice shoulder to cry on!!!

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