Why do I shrug???

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I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!!

So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?

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Grateful Day Challenge – Day Forty Two

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Without the internet my life would be bland, vanilla, boring! I would still be living to societies standards. I wouldn’t feel accepted anywhere. I would most likely NOT have friends in the lifestyle. I would’nt go anywhere, be apart of BDSM and really just be miserable.

So I am happy that I am on fetlife, tumblr, secondlife, imvu, blogging, facebook. I am happy for the friends I have within these realms. Sure we might never meet face to face, and some of you I have. Regardless. We are friends! I accept you! You accept me! It is wonderful to feel.

Without these online communities I wouldn’t be free!

So I am thankful to the bright minds that have brought me these worlds. The people who know how to code, create these programs, the ideas of bringing us fetlife, and tumblr, and things like secondlife, and skype. Bringing people from all over the world, from different cultures, and allowing us access to meet them, talk with them, discuss things, laugh and cry with them. Directly from our own homes, behind a computer screen!

I want to meet ALL of my friends from EVERY part of my Online communities. I want to sit with you face to face, and laugh with you. Cry with you. Hug You! I want to see the pain, and happiness written all over your face, where I could in fact reach out and touch every line of worry, every aging wrinkle, every curve that causes your cheeks to lift as you smile, and be able to wipe away your tears when you are sad.

Without these online communities, I would never have the courage to be who I am. I would never have KNOWN who I am. Without YOU , I would not have a reason to write what I write, do what I do, and be where I need to be! I would not have found my Mistress. I would not have found my Daddy, I would NOT have my daughter!

So thank you. Thank you everyone that has touched my soul, from all corners of the world. Thank you for teaching me, guiding me, brightening up my world. Giving me advice, and yes, even to those haters, that want to leave mean messages, and abuse me online. Even you have taught me a lesson. Even YOU have helped me to grow as a person. Thank You!

I Am Grateful!!!

Perspective

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Describe yourself from your Dom(me)’s perspective.

  • Stubborn
  • Pretty
  • Silly
  • Girly
  • Loving
  • Caring

Describe yourself from your own point of view.

  • Stubborn
  • Outspoken
  • Honest
  • Trusting
  • Unforgiving

Describe yourself through the eyes of a co-worker or school friend; someone who only knows your vanilla side.

  • Weird
  • Funny
  • Honest
  • Loud
  • Family Oriented

Grateful Challenge Day Eleven

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Eleven

I was always raised to stand firm in what you believe in, and to never waiver from it. To fight for what you believe in, and as I see how the world is today, I can appreciate that little bit from my parents. If anything from my biological father stuck, it was that.

I am very open about what I believe in. I try to be as honest as I can, regardless of my consequences. I fight for those that cannot, and if I could join my military I would. So I do it in other ways. I protest, I vote, I petition, I am an activist for HUMAN rights. I dont believe in the black lives matter, because its ALL lives matter. I dont care if you are red, white, purple, black, brown, yellow, pink, blue, YOURE human, and so because of that, you deserve to BE treated like everyone. I do not care if you are straight, or gay. Man, Woman, Trans, etc etc etc. You are HUMAN, therefore you are entitled to live your life how you want. Be seen how you feel you deserve to be seen, and treated accordingly. IF YOU are happy then that is what matters to me.

I dont care what religion you are. Keep it to yourself, practice it by yourself, and do NOT harm anyone else because of it. I personally feel if your *religion* says you need to kill other people, then you are not in a religion but a cult. This is my belief, MY opinion, and I am not apologizing for it.

I Believe that you should share PRIDE in your race, your culture, your heritage. I am white. I am PROUD to be white!! I am AMERICAN…I am and ALWAYS will be PROUD to be American!! I am sick and tired of seeing all this stuff on the news. I dont believe we should help other countries when we need to help ours first. Strengthen your foundation, before adding more stories to your house.

I think rapists and pedophiles should be put on death row just like murderers. I believe in corporal punishment for heinous crimes. I feel people who are addicted and convicted of drug and alcohol abuse should be sent to rehab, instead of prison.

Illegal immigrants should be deported. ALL of them..not just ones from Mexico. ANY illegal immigrant, from ANY country. You should migrate legally like everyone else did, and WHEN you do, you adhere to OUR laws…you become an American, you act like one. You can have pride in your heritage, but you migrate here, then you are one of us.

I believe in abortion for ONLY rape victims, or those with conditions that giving birth will kill the mother!! Sorry but if you spread your legs you raise the kid. Maybe then we wouldnt have so many teen moms, if they were held accountable?

If girls lie about their age to sleep with men, they should go to jail. NOT the man. I dont ask a man for his birth certificate and social security number before he takes me out to dinner. So I think that between sexes it should be fair. Jobs, standards, crimes, should ALL be equal!!

Anyways I dont want to get carried away…I could continue on..Gun control, ISIS, Who should be president, Education, etc etc etc etc etc etc….

I will lose followers for this, but you know what…if you are So offended by my beliefs, and cannot stand someone with a differnt opinion than your own, then its a blessing..

I am Grateful that I can stand up for myself, my beliefs, and NOT apologize. This is me. This is who I am. These are issues that mean something to me.

I am Grateful!!!

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Nine

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Nine

So I have trouble remembering things from my childhood, whether it was good or bad. I disociated myself because of different traumatic experiences in my life that happened at different times. So I know my childhood wasnt ALL bad, just some bad experiences. It sucks when I hear things from my family like, do you remember this, or you used to love that sooo much. Etc.

I dont recall this at all, and so that is why I LOVE old pictures of my life. It helps me to remember. I can look at them and I get this feeling that washes over me, and then I can recall things. What I remember feeling then, smelling, etc. It helps to bring me back to that moment, especially when I feel I am losing my mind.

I can recall numbers, specific events down to the date it happened, word for word what was spoken, and it frustrates me that I cannot do the same for my past. How can I remember what you said exactly six years, four days, thirty two minutes, and thirteen seconds ago, but not about being happy flying in my father airplane when I was two?

Anyways, seeing the pictures reminds me of times my mind cannot seem to recall it on their own.

So I am very grateful, for old photographs!

GRATEFUL CHALLENGE 2016 – DAY TWO

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Grateful Challenge Day Two:

Not many who follow my blog go ALL the way back. In fact I actually post all my stuff in three places. WordPress, Tumblr, and Fetlife. So it wouldn’t be known to many, and certainly not those that are new to my writing, to know that the year 2014 was very very VERY difficult for me, and in about 16 days its going to be hard yet again.

January 26th 2014 I lost someone I loved very very deeply. He was only 32, and at the time the love of my life. On top of that I lost 5 other people that were friends in my life. It was not the best of years for me. Dealing with the grief, and loss was a toll all its own, and then financial difficulty was worse.

So I must say that I am glad I survived 2015, and made it to 2016 already. For my challenge today, I am grateful for 2015 being a better year for me. I got a car. I got to move further down the grief line, to accept what happened, and learn to start to move on. I have been able to overcome ALL of my obstacles that were thrown at me.

For once we had a family holiday where there was NO fighting, and my brother wasn’t a drunk. Christmas wasn’t a stressful time for me this year, and I am so happy it came and I was able to financially afford to get ALL of the family gifts and that I finally for once in my life got stuff that EVERYONE loved and wanted. (I know thats not what its about.) but for me, it was a blessing.

AND I got to meet my Mistress. It has been the best year ever, since all the crap in the past is finally settling. So I am very grateful that 2015 wasn’t so difficult, and was actually a pretty happy year. I am glad it is over, but I am grateful that it was kinder to my family and myself. I am of course eager to see what 2016 has to offer me.

I am truly grateful.

Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day One

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Grateful Challenge Day One:

I am ten days behind but then again I will make them up. I plan to. I got turned onto the grateful challenge by a blogger on Tumblr that I follow. Which in its own way a blessing. I find that there is far too much negativity in the world. So doing this, in between my blog prompts and tasks for my Mistress, I am hoping helps me see more beautiful things in the verse, and turn my life towards a more positive nature.

So for day one, I am grateful that I have this chance. This grand opportunity to try and do something a bit more positive. It is hard for me, since I am such a pessimist, but I am hoping that I can stick to this for the entire year. I may not post one every single day, but I am holding myself to the guns of have a total of 365 by the time the year is over.

I want to make the world a bit more positive, and being disabled partially, this is my way. To write things that inspire people. To tell my stories, my life experiences. So I am truly and deeply grateful that I get to do this, and experience 365 entries of pure positivity.

Silence!!!

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I live in a house with 8 other people. It is loud, chaotic, and I hate it. I look forward to days they have to go run errands, and kids are in school. I am happy though that my mother is getting healthier, it means I can move out again. Not right away of course, but when the time is right. It makes me value being silent. Having silence in my life is blessing, and it helps keep my mind clear. It is odd, I come from a LARGE LOUD family, something I should be used too, but now. Now being around loud crowds, just makes me tired, drained, emotional. I need silence!

So it makes sense now these days that being alone calms me down, but the sad thing is, being alone makes me so depressed and lonely. Go Figure, Right? There however outside of being with my Mistress only one other place I have ever felt true calmness, a peace the comes over me, and that is in the ocean. Whether out on a ship, or knee deep on the beach, clearly being in the water calms me. I feel at home there.

I feel so at home and peaceful there, that I really want my collaring ceremony at the ocean. Granted wherever I have it, will be perfect but I think combining my Mistress, with the ocean, will be amazing. I take collars seriously, and so when I feel ready to enter one, I do it for the long hall, not some short distance sprint. It is why I follow strict collar ettiquette. When you leave a collar, you return it. Though I like a day collar for normal every day things, and a steel collar for scenes, and stuff relating to this nature. I am by far NOT a fan of leather, lace, or any of those kinds of collars. I have no idea why, I just dont.

Might be something I should research in the future. Buy one of each, test them out and figure out why I dont like them. Though currently I am working on emotional things in my life. I need to be able to let go of things, so I can move onto a better future. Baby steps is what I am doing. Its all I can do right now.

Stillness

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This reminds me of my Mistress!!!

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Stillness

There is a certain stillness, when even the gentle flutter of a butterfly’s wing feels like a hurricane.

The moment when crashing waves fall asleep, peaceful, lost to the serenity of salty dreams.

When tall trees stand to atention and every leaf pauses, takes a deep breath and holds it.

It is here, beneath the maddening silence I hear your name.

An echo of you.

Written by – Michael Faudet