Why do I shrug???


I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.


So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?


To Be Beauty!!!


She wiped the table for the Prince and when a morsel of food spilled from his plate to the floor, he commanded Beauty to eat it. With tears spilling from her eyes, Beauty obeyed, and then he gathered her, still on her knees, into his arms and rewarded her with dozens of wet and loving kisses. Obediently she put her arms around his neck. But this little morsel spilling had given him an idea. He ordered her to quickly fetch a plate from the kitchen again and then told her to lay it on the floor at his feet. He put food for her there from his plate and told her to lift her heavy hair behind her shoulders and eat it only with her mouth.

(Page 14, Claiming of Beauty)

I haven’t finished the series yet. I stopped so I can re -start it with my Master. This quote I loved. It was a new way to impress her slavery upon her. Something I long for. To feel it more upon me. My Master and I have begun to transition from D/s to M/s. It is difficult to give myself so completely to him. I must put in all of my trust, and even then, my temperament is still not fully there. Like Beauty, I cry. I cry when I am so humiliated and ashamed to be who and what I truly am in my soul.

I find I admire other strong men. Dominant men. Men I wish to serve. Then I cry, so ashamed. I feel as if I betray my own Master for having such thoughts. I am every bit monogamous. I do not handle well with other slaves/submissives in the house. I become insanely jealous, and I can admit this. I do my best to not let it show, but deep down it destroys me. I am needy, and every much wanting that one on one attention.

So why do I feel this way? If it was just me, alone. I would never dream of randomly serving men. Whether domestically or intimately. I am not that type, but there is something awakening in me. If my Master were to command it of me, I would be the happiest of women in all the world, but only if he commanded it. If he never did, I would still be just as happy.

So one day I am hoping. One day I will have bowls that have Little Deka on them, or whatever else my Master wishes them to say on them. One day, I will eat at his feet, fed on his fingers, and truly feel my slavery that much more pressed upon me. The day is fast approaching, and all I can dream about is the paradise it brings with it.

The freedom, it brings with it!!!

One day we might have play partners, friends that we let into our bed. Or we may never decide to do so. It is at the whim and pleasures of my Master. Each day is hard, a struggle, nor more than ever, but I find myself giving more. More of my soul and heart to my Master. More his in every way!

I do not know yet, how Beauty’s story ends. I am eager to find out, but I am more eager to see where my story goes. Where this road continues to take me. I hope that I walk this path, for the rest of my life with my Master!

love you, my Master, deeply!!!

Sometimes I get scared!!!


I just had to share this here. I found this beautiful, and I feel most of the time the same way. Please take a peek, I found this on tumblr.

It’s taken me 44 years to find you. You are amazing and I’m thankful every day that our paths crossed, our friendship blossomed, and our love for each other grew stronger.

But some days, I’m scared. Scared that we won’t make it through this part of our journey. Scared that the distance will win out. Scared that the amazing relationship we have will never have a chance to blossom into what we both know it can be.

I’m scared that one day I will look back and wonder “what if”. What if we had met sooner in life? What if we had just held on a little longer? What if I was a better partner in crime or a better little s? What if my heart can never heal from the scars I have from the loss of you? What if we had just thrown caution to the wind and moved in together sooner? What if I had told you and had shown you more just how special you are to me and that I’d move heaven and earth to prove it to you? I get scared that one day I won’t be able to hear your voice or the little phrases that you say each time we talk. They make me smile.

I get scared that one day you’ll realize a relationship with someone else is easier, because let’s be honest, this D/s stuff is a lot of work. I can be challenging. I cry. I’m sappy.

I fish to hear that you love me. My brain spins nonstop. I’m scared that all the good reasons to be with me and love me can’t outweigh the bad.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to wake up in your arms every day or hear you walk through the front door after work. That I’ll never truly know what our 24/7 feels like because we never got a chance to live it. I’m not afraid of hard work and the ups and downs we will face as a couple. I know there are challenges ahead. The thought of moving half way across the country is daunting, but I’d rather face every challenge with you than to know what it’s like to live without you.

Sometimes I’m scared and I just need to hear you say it’s ok. We are in this together and we will close the distance. I just need to hear you say, “I love you, pet and nothing is going to change that” because sometimes I get scared.


Essential Guide for Better Trust Dynamics in BDSM Domination – POSTED BY ABI BROWN


Essential Guide for Better Trust Dynamics in BDSM Domination

Trust dynamics in BDSM domination seems to be a confusing discussion topic, especially for those not in the community. What each partner involved expects and how that can work for everyone’s benefit? We’ll break it down for you.

BDSM Domination:

The Essential Guide to Trust Dynamics

There’s always a lot of talk about trust in BDSM communities. Generally speaking it’s pretty starry-eyed idealistic stuff about devotion and capitalising each other’s trousers. An excellent term that a friend of mine once came up with for the slightly irritating habit some people have of using a capital letter for a dominant’s pronouns; much in the same way as one does for actual God. That stuff is all well and good. The real meat of kinky trust dynamics is genuinely fascinating. Not just because it works in both directions.

It’s vital for submissives to trust their dominants…

To respect safewords. The absolute crux of trust in BDSM relationships is, of course, the safeword. To a certain extent, this is where that trust begins and ends. A dominant who ignores a safeword is at best a shitty dominant, and at worst a rapist. If there is any doubt in your mind that your safeword will be respected, you need to deal with it immediately.

To fulfill aftercare needs. Most people need a little bit of aftercare following an intense BDSM scene. For some people, this is a pretty involved process requiring snacks and blankets and cuddles. I generally speaking just want the other person to not completely disappear for ten minutes or so till my headspace has realigned itself. I might occasionally ask them to fetch me a glass of water, but that’s about it. There are other people still who actively want to be left at this point, and are better off alone for a while. Whatever your thing is, it’s important that you know you can trust the people you play with to do it for you.

To respect limits & look out for them. We all secretly want to be the Mythical Limitless Submissive, but none of us are ever actually going to be. Chances are you have an idea of what your own hard and soft limits are. So it’s important that you communicate those clearly in advance of playing with someone new. Once you’ve done that, the onus is on them to respect those limits. It’s okay to push at them and testing them can be a lot of fun. It’s only cool if you’ve agreed that you’re interested in playing that way. However it’s never okay to pester you about something you’ve said a hard no to. A dom who repeatedly refuses to respect your limits is not a dom you should feel comfortable trusting.

To be receptive & communicative. Sometimes, issues come up in kinky relationships that don’t quite fit into safewords or limits. My pain threshold is a lot higher if I’ve been properly warmed up. Meaning start light and gradually ramp up the intensity and I’ll keep going like the proverbial frog in a saucepan. But if you whale straight in at full tilt there’s a good chance I’ll just jump out again. I had one partner who didn’t seem to understand this at all.

He got bored doing the warm-up, and enjoyed my reaction when he went straight in at the top. He just wished I’d last longer with it, especially seeing as he’d seen me take much harsher beatings from other people. I had this conversation with him again and again, but I never really felt like he understood what I was saying. In the end, it was one of the major things that led to the end of our relationship. If he’d been able to hear what I was saying – and accept that he might be screwing up – we’d have got along much better.

…but it’s just as important for a dominant to trust their submissive.

To safeword when they need to. Your dom needs to be able to trust you to understand your own needs. Know your thresholds and desires well enough to use your safeword if you need them to stop. Ignoring an agreed-upon safeword makes a dominant an abuser, but there’s a flip side to that. If you have a safeword and you don’t use it, you have not withdrawn your consent.

That’s not to say that I don’t understand how it can be difficult sometimes. It very much is, and it may be that you need to talk to your partner about things that will make it easier for you. There have been a few times in my life when in hindsight I should have used a safeword but didn’t. Those experiences were unpleasant, but they are at the end of the day, not the other person’s fault. A dom who knows that they can trust you to safeword if you need to can relax. They can go to deeper and more intense places you wouldn’t get to explore with them otherwise.

To communicate & fulfill aftercare needs. Despite their best efforts to convince us otherwise, doms are not psychic. If you need a particular thing doing after an intense session: tell them that – preferably in advance. Remember also that dominants get a come down too. Aftercare can be just as important for them. Simply cuddling up to someone while they reset their headspace into something less intense can make a huge difference to them.

To keep figuring out & sharing their limits. Limits change over time, and many people find that their boundaries are always in flux. I’m not a big fan of anal sex and generally count it as a ‘soft limit’. In my D/s relationships it tends to be reserved for punishments. Some days it’s a hard limit for me. When I feel that way about it, my doms need to be able to trust me to communicate that. It’s absolutely okay to have limits and comfort levels that aren’t always the same. What isn’t okay is to get cross about having those changing limits approached if you haven’t explained what they are.

To not get weird when something goes wrong. Things don’t always work out perfectly. Doms are taking just as much of a risk as subs are – more, if you’re worried about the potential to make a fool of yourself! Submissives need to be understanding and generous to their dominants when a comment hits the wrong note. Or if a strike doesn’t quite land where it was intended to.

We need to keep communicating honestly and openly without assuming our dominants are somehow psychic. We need to take responsibility for our own decisions to use safewords and outline limits. If we’re doing all that properly, the dominants we play with will feel safer and more comfortable with us. In return they’re better able to go to deeper and more incredible places with us. Everybody wins.

I am Strong and still Submissive – So Bite Me!!!


Someone posted in one of my groups, about being criticized and told they are not submissive, because they ask a lot of questions, they seem assertive at times, and are in control of some aspects of their lives. They said it wasn’t just dominants saying this, that other submissives did this as well.


With that aside I have to voice my own opinion. Naturally!!!

OH NO…..I am asserting my own voice…AS a submissive!!!

Anyhoo, I am submissive to Sir-Kayden. I am HIS girl, and to which HIS opinion only matters of me. I control the things in life that he allows me too. He trusts me to make the best decisions for myself, per his rules, and guidelines, and within these I take care of myself as best I can during normal times of the day!

Master has strict rules for me to follow. ONE of these rules is….DEKA…Blog…WRITE…VOICE YOURSELF!!!!

He loves that I have my own beliefs, that I am NOT weak and can voice them. Whether they are about BDSM, Politics, Religion, my stance to end child abuse, my stance to stop shaming rape survivors, and to end human trafficking. No more animal abuse, etc etc etc.. the topics I am so passionate about, and stand up for…my Master encourages me to make myself heard!!!

I am passionate, loving, caring, but I am also Strong!!!

Strong enough to stand up for myself, and others. When I wasn’t always able too. Strong enough to allow someone like Sir-Kayden to take control of me. To guide me, mold me into a better person. I am also strong in another aspect of my life for the first time ever. This last year I have been that much stronger in saying:


  • No, I don’t like this!!
  • No, You hurt me, don’t do it again!
  • No, I don’t want to be with you!!!
  • No, I will not accept such an apology, and I WILL hold you accountable for your actions!!!

This does NOT make me less submissive. This just makes me NON-Submissive to YOU! I belong to Kayden. I will serve submissively to anyone he demands of me, because I love him, and in doing so, I serve him!!!

Just because I have a strong stance, and opinions, and I am capable of taking care of decisions in his absence does NOT in any means, make me less submissive!!!

To criticize anyone AT all for doing the same thing, makes YOU judgmental, ignorant, and just plain and simply rude!!!

WTF – Respect Please


So I had to vent today. I am apart of a bunch of groups on facebook for BDSM related content. In a group I am in, a woman posted a comment:

Woman: So, my Master had to let me go. He has a Pet who refuses to share, and he’s had her for longer.

I have no idea why this bothered me so much. Possibly because of the lack of respect on BOTH sides! I am all for propriety, and respect. This to me screamed lack of such respect on so many levels.

So I asked her a few questions, which I am awaiting the answers on.

  • Did she herself know, about the first girl not wanting to share, prior to engaging with this man?
  • If so, WHY did she decide to be his girl anyways?
  • Does she know if the man agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with his first girl, prior to her?
  • If so, WHY would you allow him to pursue you?

I feel hurt that she is heart broken. I really do, but I also feel for the other girl a bit more. This man clearly has so much to learn! I do not think it is wise for the first girl to stay with him either. Clearly he has no respect for either of these women!

Anyways, this is just my own opinion. If the woman responds to my questions, I will update!

Screaming Red!!!


When it comes to the BDSM world, we have a responsibility, whether you’re a top or bottom to keep safety and consent in line, and the most important part of a relationship, or scene. With that being said, a safe word is very important. (To those who say you don’t need one, or say they don’t have one, clearly doesn’t understand, and needs a bit more education).

Now, you mostly see submissives/bottoms using a safe word, should the scene or something go too far and they cannot handle the situation. This should be taken seriously, and done only when it is necessary.

Calling a safe word to just be a brat, is NOT okay!!!

When I was single, and meeting potential dominants, I always asked them THEIR hard limits. Yes, they have them too. For instance, what if someone wasn’t okay with using a flogger on my back? I personally love this, but if they aren’t okay, not only would I NOT pressure them into doing it, or shaming them for not being into it, they could of course call a safe word.

Pressuring a Dominant into something, is strict reason to call RED on ANY scene!

This of course is NOT the only time to do so. Perhaps you are in a scene, and they feel that submissive is endangering themselves? Emotionally they just cannot call a safe word, or perhaps they feel that they HAVE to endure something far to much, in order to please the dominant? It is a dominants duty to ensure the safety of their submissive, so in this instance, them calling a red, or silently ending the scene is something that is needed.

I can admit, my own dominant has ended a scene for me, far far far to early then I would have proffered. I was enjoying it far too much, but emotionally most of me just wanted to endure it far more, to please him! I was sad, I won’t lie, but in retrospect I appreciate the fact he did this. He didn’t verbally command RED to end the scene, but he knew deep down, it was the right thing to end it, and go into after care.

I do not think it belongs to ONLY one side. When one person in the equation feels it goes too far, they should call it!!!!

Now, there is a need to push! Push in a gentle way, slowly, and clearly pay attention. Sometimes my past trauma gets in my way. I want to push myself just as much as my dominant does. To grow more emotionally and physically. Sometimes though this is more damaging. I get thrown into a panic attack, but it could have been prevented had I called RED when I felt it coming.

There are other signs, especially if you know your bottom well enough.

Signs are different for everyone, but I cannot stress it enough to truly call a safe word, whether you are a top or bottom. If you truly feel it is needed, and necessary to keep the scene and relationship safe, sane, and consensual!!!

Now I’d like to take a moment to thank my Master for giving me this topic to write about!!!

I Love You, my Master!!!

Not Looking Forward To The Holidays


The holidays are arriving. Another year goes by and I am back to that bitter feeling. For the longest time I couldn’t pin point it, then the other day it dawned on me. For the last 15 years it just hasn’t been the same.

When I graduated high school, my parents decided to start their divorce. It was shocking, bitter, stressful, and of course dirty. It was about them, and not the children. As it should have been. We went from one home, to two, and I on my own since I was now an adult. Get a job and take care of yourself little Deka.

So both parents remarried. Not such a bad thing, but my biological father didn’t really want anything to do with us. His new wife’s children were perfect, to the point he took down all of our photographs and said once his children were beautiful and as talented as his new wife’s children, he would put out a picture of us.

My step-father never said anything like that, but tradition in his family is they have one big Christmas party, where all the adults bring their gifts over for a catered dinner, and its basically one big Christmas evening. The adults buy gifts for ALL the children, and yada yada. Except, my siblings and I were never included! The foster kids however, were! My brothers, sister and I just sat there, at the table, awkward while we watched from the outside.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not jealous at all, or envious. Why should I be? It’s just for the last 15 years I haven’t felt I belonged anywhere anymore. At least until late. Master makes me feel that I finally have a home again. So yes, during the holidays I get bitter. I have to suck it up, and endure the fake smiles, and the awkward feelings. When really all I want to do, is celebrate it with just my daughter, her father, and my master.

I am unsure if my biological siblings feel this way, maybe that is why we are all so distant anymore? We used to be so close, and now we barely talk. My little sister is jealous of me, apparently. Reasons are unknown. My eldest brother, doesn’t contact anyone in our family unless its a holiday, or family gathering. My youngest brother, talks to me once in a blue moon, but mostly when he wants something.

I am unsure if others feel this disconnected with their family?

Am I alone in this?

I do not even know how to bring this up. All we hear is how foster kids need to feel like they belong, make them feel apart of the family, and never treat them differently, yet this is how we feel and are treated? Everyone has some sort of shitty up bringing. Poor to Rich, vice versa. My life wasn’t any greater, or less than the next person.

So, I am bitter. I am not a scrooge, or anything like that. Just the holidays are supposed to be about family, and coming together. How can I feel joy in it, when I don’t feel like I have a family anymore?

Who says I need you?


I have been soooo sick lately, to the point I do NOT wish to get out of bed. Pnuemonia, Strep, etc etc etc. Not fun. Nor is it fun to be this sick, and to have someone nagging in your ear all day long. It truly bothers me. I think my family just tolerates me.

So I am sitting here, eating lunch, just browsing facebook, watching whatever show is on T.V. I think it was, Say yes, to the dress. I am having to do this, while listening to my mom talk to my sister, about some movie coming out, about the past, how an African American, Wants to Marry a Caucasian, and they were both arrested?

I over heard my mother say…LOVE is LOVE…That is so wrong. The heart wants, what it wants. I am all for following love, no matter how that is. THIS made me shake my head. She doesn’t believe this. She just wants to appease my liberal minded sister. So I made a comment. That is you truly believe this, you wouldn’t care if Homosexuals got married.

She rolled her eyes and said it isnt the same thing. However, to me it is. It is just not based on skin, but based on genitals. How is that not different? Being told you cannot marry a white person, because of the color of your skin is the exact same thing as being told you cannot marry someone, because of what is inside your pants!!!

I am a Humanist. Do what you want, whatever it is, that makes you happy, so long as it does not harm the life of another. Whether it be a Person, or another living being. Minus sustenance, that of course is just the circle of life. My mom had the nerve to argue with me for a moment, and then she tells my sister.

Oh, it is just your sister, telling me how much of a shitty person I am, like always!!!


FIRST: I NEVER NEVER implied, or said, she was a shitty person. Despite her flaws, she is my mother, and I love her, and I was raised to respect your parents. On Top of it, I am the ONLY child out of four to step in and take care of her. She was deathly fricken Ill, but none of the others wanted to have to move in and do it. I being the oldest stepped up, because I was raised to honor thy parents, and duty to your family, blah blah blah!!!

Also, I pay a shit ton of money right now to support her and my step dad. They are both disabled, but…when my other siblings move in, or my step brother with his herd of 7 kids, and two wives, move in, they do NOT….I repeat…NOT pay a fucking DIME!!! What is wrong with this picture?

So I am in the total belief that not only am I being used, but I am of course NOT appreciated, NOR do I feel they even want me in their lives. They do not support that I am dating a FtM. They do not care how I feel, and only speak to me if they need something. Not just my parents, but my siblings as well.

So, it only makes me sad. Sad that when I think about it…once I move out..if Master leaves..I am totally alone. Sad that the people I love the most in the world. That I have given my life to make sure they had one, doesnt care.

BUT, I am certain about one thing!!!

They will always need me, far more than I will EVER need them!!!

Self Growth


I have said this many times in my writing, how long I have been in the lifestyle. I am thirty two now, and my eyes opened when I was nineteen. I left the Allegory cave. It was a struggle. A huge battle of how I was raised, how the world wants us to be, and how my heart wanted me to be. I used to fight my submission, because society didn’t view it as acceptable, or the fact my mother would say I don’t need anyone to control me and to never let it happen. Over the years it became easier. I slowly began to accept who I am.

I am more open minded and accepting of people, not entirely trust worthy of people, but I accept them for who they are, and I do not judge them. I am much more open into exploring my sexual side, and most often I am not scared anymore to hold someone accountable, or tell them No. I do not like this. Before I entered this life style, I was against same sex. HUGELY against it. I used to find it disgusting. Now I am owned by a man, but in societies eyes, it is a woman transitioning to a male body. I was happy with her being a woman, just as much as I am with her desires to be a man. I also identify more as a pan-sexual. I do not see gender anymore.

Now I am all about D/s. I tried to shop for a necklace for my daughter for her birthday and all I see is day collars. I am very aware of people looking at me, and sometimes their gazes make me feel more submissive. As if they are appraising my worth as a submissive. I am more agreeable now, and eager to please in any way. I hardly ever have to use my safe word, but don’t fear. I use it if I truly need it. I am still learning, and I am finding out more and more about myself each and every day. I am eager to learn, I am eager to express my nature. Sometimes it becomes very difficult though when I cannot.

I am very self conscious of my body, due to abuse growing up and abuse in past relationships. In fact just this past year I have taken more photos of myself then I have in my entire life. Granted they are for my master;’s eyes only. He shared one of me once, and I was mortified. It is about consent to me. I consented to him having pictures of me, but him. No one else. If I add one to a blog, or my fetlife, that is my consent. People may view it. So my master and I actually had a long discussion about consent one time. Early on in our relationship. He promised to never do it again without asking me. So now he takes pictures of me whenever he desires. We have never had an issue on consent again. It is nice to have trust building skills.

When we go to events, I try to shy from the camera. Many reasons why, but I do not like others having control over my image. It can not only be used anywhere, and anyway they want to, but this is real life. What I do in my life is my business. What if I one day wanted to run for public office, but I magically made a video of a gang bang. It would be impossible really, the scandals and such. So those things, are fun, but are for me, and my master. No one else! Though sometimes this isn’t always the case.

There are some things my master expresses his pleasure in. For instance the first orgasm he gave me. I came hard and was wearing black panties. He wanted me to share them online. I did of course. It is just a picture of my panties with my cum in it. It was harmless to me, but erotic at the same time. I do things to please him, and that in turn makes me feel so much more at peace. So if my master ever told me to crawl over and serve another master in front of him. I would. He has by the way done this with Daddy. Telling me to suck his cock and let him fuck me like a good little whore. At first it was awkward. From past abuse. My master is very patient. I have been trained by other dominants in the past. One is still a very close friend. I am unsure if I would submit to training out of my own mind right now to a new dominant, because I am to be trained by my master to his pleasures, but if he ever said. Deka…you will be trained by this dom here, well of course I’d do it with no argument, though I would be a little cautious and ensure it was safe to do so.

I trust my master.

I know deep down he will keep me safe and never submit me to something that will truly harm me.