Why do I shrug???


I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.


So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?


To Be Beauty!!!


She wiped the table for the Prince and when a morsel of food spilled from his plate to the floor, he commanded Beauty to eat it. With tears spilling from her eyes, Beauty obeyed, and then he gathered her, still on her knees, into his arms and rewarded her with dozens of wet and loving kisses. Obediently she put her arms around his neck. But this little morsel spilling had given him an idea. He ordered her to quickly fetch a plate from the kitchen again and then told her to lay it on the floor at his feet. He put food for her there from his plate and told her to lift her heavy hair behind her shoulders and eat it only with her mouth.

(Page 14, Claiming of Beauty)

I haven’t finished the series yet. I stopped so I can re -start it with my Master. This quote I loved. It was a new way to impress her slavery upon her. Something I long for. To feel it more upon me. My Master and I have begun to transition from D/s to M/s. It is difficult to give myself so completely to him. I must put in all of my trust, and even then, my temperament is still not fully there. Like Beauty, I cry. I cry when I am so humiliated and ashamed to be who and what I truly am in my soul.

I find I admire other strong men. Dominant men. Men I wish to serve. Then I cry, so ashamed. I feel as if I betray my own Master for having such thoughts. I am every bit monogamous. I do not handle well with other slaves/submissives in the house. I become insanely jealous, and I can admit this. I do my best to not let it show, but deep down it destroys me. I am needy, and every much wanting that one on one attention.

So why do I feel this way? If it was just me, alone. I would never dream of randomly serving men. Whether domestically or intimately. I am not that type, but there is something awakening in me. If my Master were to command it of me, I would be the happiest of women in all the world, but only if he commanded it. If he never did, I would still be just as happy.

So one day I am hoping. One day I will have bowls that have Little Deka on them, or whatever else my Master wishes them to say on them. One day, I will eat at his feet, fed on his fingers, and truly feel my slavery that much more pressed upon me. The day is fast approaching, and all I can dream about is the paradise it brings with it.

The freedom, it brings with it!!!

One day we might have play partners, friends that we let into our bed. Or we may never decide to do so. It is at the whim and pleasures of my Master. Each day is hard, a struggle, nor more than ever, but I find myself giving more. More of my soul and heart to my Master. More his in every way!

I do not know yet, how Beauty’s story ends. I am eager to find out, but I am more eager to see where my story goes. Where this road continues to take me. I hope that I walk this path, for the rest of my life with my Master!

love you, my Master, deeply!!!

Sometimes I get scared!!!


I just had to share this here. I found this beautiful, and I feel most of the time the same way. Please take a peek, I found this on tumblr.

It’s taken me 44 years to find you. You are amazing and I’m thankful every day that our paths crossed, our friendship blossomed, and our love for each other grew stronger.

But some days, I’m scared. Scared that we won’t make it through this part of our journey. Scared that the distance will win out. Scared that the amazing relationship we have will never have a chance to blossom into what we both know it can be.

I’m scared that one day I will look back and wonder “what if”. What if we had met sooner in life? What if we had just held on a little longer? What if I was a better partner in crime or a better little s? What if my heart can never heal from the scars I have from the loss of you? What if we had just thrown caution to the wind and moved in together sooner? What if I had told you and had shown you more just how special you are to me and that I’d move heaven and earth to prove it to you? I get scared that one day I won’t be able to hear your voice or the little phrases that you say each time we talk. They make me smile.

I get scared that one day you’ll realize a relationship with someone else is easier, because let’s be honest, this D/s stuff is a lot of work. I can be challenging. I cry. I’m sappy.

I fish to hear that you love me. My brain spins nonstop. I’m scared that all the good reasons to be with me and love me can’t outweigh the bad.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to wake up in your arms every day or hear you walk through the front door after work. That I’ll never truly know what our 24/7 feels like because we never got a chance to live it. I’m not afraid of hard work and the ups and downs we will face as a couple. I know there are challenges ahead. The thought of moving half way across the country is daunting, but I’d rather face every challenge with you than to know what it’s like to live without you.

Sometimes I’m scared and I just need to hear you say it’s ok. We are in this together and we will close the distance. I just need to hear you say, “I love you, pet and nothing is going to change that” because sometimes I get scared.


I am Strong and still Submissive – So Bite Me!!!


Someone posted in one of my groups, about being criticized and told they are not submissive, because they ask a lot of questions, they seem assertive at times, and are in control of some aspects of their lives. They said it wasn’t just dominants saying this, that other submissives did this as well.


With that aside I have to voice my own opinion. Naturally!!!

OH NO…..I am asserting my own voice…AS a submissive!!!

Anyhoo, I am submissive to Sir-Kayden. I am HIS girl, and to which HIS opinion only matters of me. I control the things in life that he allows me too. He trusts me to make the best decisions for myself, per his rules, and guidelines, and within these I take care of myself as best I can during normal times of the day!

Master has strict rules for me to follow. ONE of these rules is….DEKA…Blog…WRITE…VOICE YOURSELF!!!!

He loves that I have my own beliefs, that I am NOT weak and can voice them. Whether they are about BDSM, Politics, Religion, my stance to end child abuse, my stance to stop shaming rape survivors, and to end human trafficking. No more animal abuse, etc etc etc.. the topics I am so passionate about, and stand up for…my Master encourages me to make myself heard!!!

I am passionate, loving, caring, but I am also Strong!!!

Strong enough to stand up for myself, and others. When I wasn’t always able too. Strong enough to allow someone like Sir-Kayden to take control of me. To guide me, mold me into a better person. I am also strong in another aspect of my life for the first time ever. This last year I have been that much stronger in saying:


  • No, I don’t like this!!
  • No, You hurt me, don’t do it again!
  • No, I don’t want to be with you!!!
  • No, I will not accept such an apology, and I WILL hold you accountable for your actions!!!

This does NOT make me less submissive. This just makes me NON-Submissive to YOU! I belong to Kayden. I will serve submissively to anyone he demands of me, because I love him, and in doing so, I serve him!!!

Just because I have a strong stance, and opinions, and I am capable of taking care of decisions in his absence does NOT in any means, make me less submissive!!!

To criticize anyone AT all for doing the same thing, makes YOU judgmental, ignorant, and just plain and simply rude!!!

I am the canvas


Someone made a comment that a BDSM relationship is like a coloring book. The submissive draws the lines of her BDSM picture, and it is the dominant that must stay within those lines!!! However within those lines, he may do whatever it is he desires! This to me is a great representation in a metaphor of what is a BDSM relationship. Though it makes me wonder.

Does the submissive truly color the lines???

I know as a submissive, I struggle. On more than just my D/s relationship. I struggle with every day things. My master keeps me in check, gives me things to do, and helps me to grow into a better person. Something I fail in doing on my own. Heck, I fail most times being a submissive as well.

I am good when the tough times are here. I can buckle down, and face the storm if I am forced too, but when I am not, I struggle. To take care of myself, and my world around me. That is where Kayden comes in. Kayden guides me, for when the storm isn’t here. Sure, he would be my shield, and knight in rusty armor, during a storm if I needed it. However, I find it is HE who helps me to maintain myself when I am thrown into a chaos of calmness!

Nothing really bad is happening right now in my life!!!

Bills are paid, food in my belly, roof over my head. My child wants for nothing, and she is well cared for and loved. Heck we even finished our Christmas cards that we are sending to wounded soldiers early. We may not be rich in financial means, but we are rich in love, and happiness.

So WHY….WHY am I struggling in my submission, and feel as though I am in chaos mode??

I cannot explain it. Perhaps it is because during these times, I either don’t know what to do, or am preparing for my world to crumble? I am not use to calm, peace, happy worlds. I am used to chaos, and everything that comes with it.

So I wonder; Do I as a submissive color my own lines???

I really don’t think I do. If I did, I think I wouldn’t feel this way. I would have more limits? I would have more self control over things. I would feel happy, and beautiful, and peaceful, when times deserve it.

I guess?

I don’t think I draw the lines…

Master draws the lines, AND he colors the picture!!!

I am just the canvas on which he does it!!!

WTF – Respect Please


So I had to vent today. I am apart of a bunch of groups on facebook for BDSM related content. In a group I am in, a woman posted a comment:

Woman: So, my Master had to let me go. He has a Pet who refuses to share, and he’s had her for longer.

I have no idea why this bothered me so much. Possibly because of the lack of respect on BOTH sides! I am all for propriety, and respect. This to me screamed lack of such respect on so many levels.

So I asked her a few questions, which I am awaiting the answers on.

  • Did she herself know, about the first girl not wanting to share, prior to engaging with this man?
  • If so, WHY did she decide to be his girl anyways?
  • Does she know if the man agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with his first girl, prior to her?
  • If so, WHY would you allow him to pursue you?

I feel hurt that she is heart broken. I really do, but I also feel for the other girl a bit more. This man clearly has so much to learn! I do not think it is wise for the first girl to stay with him either. Clearly he has no respect for either of these women!

Anyways, this is just my own opinion. If the woman responds to my questions, I will update!

Screaming Red!!!


When it comes to the BDSM world, we have a responsibility, whether you’re a top or bottom to keep safety and consent in line, and the most important part of a relationship, or scene. With that being said, a safe word is very important. (To those who say you don’t need one, or say they don’t have one, clearly doesn’t understand, and needs a bit more education).

Now, you mostly see submissives/bottoms using a safe word, should the scene or something go too far and they cannot handle the situation. This should be taken seriously, and done only when it is necessary.

Calling a safe word to just be a brat, is NOT okay!!!

When I was single, and meeting potential dominants, I always asked them THEIR hard limits. Yes, they have them too. For instance, what if someone wasn’t okay with using a flogger on my back? I personally love this, but if they aren’t okay, not only would I NOT pressure them into doing it, or shaming them for not being into it, they could of course call a safe word.

Pressuring a Dominant into something, is strict reason to call RED on ANY scene!

This of course is NOT the only time to do so. Perhaps you are in a scene, and they feel that submissive is endangering themselves? Emotionally they just cannot call a safe word, or perhaps they feel that they HAVE to endure something far to much, in order to please the dominant? It is a dominants duty to ensure the safety of their submissive, so in this instance, them calling a red, or silently ending the scene is something that is needed.

I can admit, my own dominant has ended a scene for me, far far far to early then I would have proffered. I was enjoying it far too much, but emotionally most of me just wanted to endure it far more, to please him! I was sad, I won’t lie, but in retrospect I appreciate the fact he did this. He didn’t verbally command RED to end the scene, but he knew deep down, it was the right thing to end it, and go into after care.

I do not think it belongs to ONLY one side. When one person in the equation feels it goes too far, they should call it!!!!

Now, there is a need to push! Push in a gentle way, slowly, and clearly pay attention. Sometimes my past trauma gets in my way. I want to push myself just as much as my dominant does. To grow more emotionally and physically. Sometimes though this is more damaging. I get thrown into a panic attack, but it could have been prevented had I called RED when I felt it coming.

There are other signs, especially if you know your bottom well enough.

Signs are different for everyone, but I cannot stress it enough to truly call a safe word, whether you are a top or bottom. If you truly feel it is needed, and necessary to keep the scene and relationship safe, sane, and consensual!!!

Now I’d like to take a moment to thank my Master for giving me this topic to write about!!!

I Love You, my Master!!!



Falling in love with my Master all over again, because he blind folded me, took me out to the boonies, and danced with me under the stars. He created an entire playlist of music to listen to, and even sang to me while he held me in his arms!!! How did I ever get so lucky???

I Am Grateful!!!

I am a bit old fashioned!!!


Call me old fashioned, but etiquette, propriety, respect are important to me. I recently wrote a post about how dominants shouldn’t contact me, without contacting my owner, and heck, they should be introduced to me by my owner!

So now I want to talk about the submissive side of it. I do not feel it is okay for a submissive to contact dominants either. I feel that if you are a single submissive, then the dominant should choose to contact you. If the dominant has a submissive, then I find it VERY disrespectful for a submissive to contact that dominant.

I believe the submissive should be friends with the dominants submissive, and his submissive should introduce them, if she/he feels like that is something they want to do. The reason I say this, is because I have had submissives contact my owner. It is written that we are monogmous all over the place, and yet they contact him, begging and pleading to be his submissive now, or try to turn him into a poly style dominant.

Granted, I trust my owner completely. We do not hide anything from each other. Keep that in mind when contacting us. We often read our messages out loud, or share them with each other, etc etc etc. If I am worried about something, I definately share it, and he handles it.

He trusts me just the same, but to me it is shady. Why go behind my back to contact my owner? Why not befriend both of us? Why not come and be my friend? I find the submissives that do this; go behind my back, are the ones whom are shady. They want to try and steal my relationship! I’ve had male and female submissives attempt to do this.

News Flash


So yeah, I am old fashioned, I find it trashy for a submissive to do this, and to me, and this is my own opinion, makes them seem slightly desperate!

You will find the right dominant or submissive if you just persevere and never give up!

So stop trying to sneak your way into my relationship….

Three Loves


By: Kate Rose

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s said that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, high school even. It’s the idealistic love; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children.

It’s a love that looks right.

The second is supposed to be our hard love; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime; but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to.

Possibly maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn or maybe if we’re lucky it only takes a few years.

And there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath.

Someone once told me they are the lucky ones; and perhaps they are.

But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if someone loves in the same way that they do or not.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heart breaking unique about our second…but there’s also just something about our third.

The one we never see coming.

The one that actually lasts.

The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile,

because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.