Why do I shrug???

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I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!!

So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?

Who says I need you?

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I have been soooo sick lately, to the point I do NOT wish to get out of bed. Pnuemonia, Strep, etc etc etc. Not fun. Nor is it fun to be this sick, and to have someone nagging in your ear all day long. It truly bothers me. I think my family just tolerates me.

So I am sitting here, eating lunch, just browsing facebook, watching whatever show is on T.V. I think it was, Say yes, to the dress. I am having to do this, while listening to my mom talk to my sister, about some movie coming out, about the past, how an African American, Wants to Marry a Caucasian, and they were both arrested?

I over heard my mother say…LOVE is LOVE…That is so wrong. The heart wants, what it wants. I am all for following love, no matter how that is. THIS made me shake my head. She doesn’t believe this. She just wants to appease my liberal minded sister. So I made a comment. That is you truly believe this, you wouldn’t care if Homosexuals got married.

She rolled her eyes and said it isnt the same thing. However, to me it is. It is just not based on skin, but based on genitals. How is that not different? Being told you cannot marry a white person, because of the color of your skin is the exact same thing as being told you cannot marry someone, because of what is inside your pants!!!

I am a Humanist. Do what you want, whatever it is, that makes you happy, so long as it does not harm the life of another. Whether it be a Person, or another living being. Minus sustenance, that of course is just the circle of life. My mom had the nerve to argue with me for a moment, and then she tells my sister.

Oh, it is just your sister, telling me how much of a shitty person I am, like always!!!

SAY WHAT?????

FIRST: I NEVER NEVER implied, or said, she was a shitty person. Despite her flaws, she is my mother, and I love her, and I was raised to respect your parents. On Top of it, I am the ONLY child out of four to step in and take care of her. She was deathly fricken Ill, but none of the others wanted to have to move in and do it. I being the oldest stepped up, because I was raised to honor thy parents, and duty to your family, blah blah blah!!!

Also, I pay a shit ton of money right now to support her and my step dad. They are both disabled, but…when my other siblings move in, or my step brother with his herd of 7 kids, and two wives, move in, they do NOT….I repeat…NOT pay a fucking DIME!!! What is wrong with this picture?

So I am in the total belief that not only am I being used, but I am of course NOT appreciated, NOR do I feel they even want me in their lives. They do not support that I am dating a FtM. They do not care how I feel, and only speak to me if they need something. Not just my parents, but my siblings as well.

So, it only makes me sad. Sad that when I think about it…once I move out..if Master leaves..I am totally alone. Sad that the people I love the most in the world. That I have given my life to make sure they had one, doesnt care.

BUT, I am certain about one thing!!!

They will always need me, far more than I will EVER need them!!!

Abuse of Slaves in Gor?

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I have been thinking of forsaking the Gorean philosophy and its teachings altogether, because I cannot and do not condone the way it teaches that all slaves should accept any and all forms of abuse from Free Persons simply because they are slaves and the Free gets to do whatever they want to the slave.

My readings and my personal experiences have shaped the way I think and feel about the Gorean ideology / philosophy. I came across someone quoting John Norman’s Gorean novel, saying a slave will accept any and all forms of abuse from the Free. And the appalling thing is that some slaves heartily agree with that. I cannot accept this kind of perverse twisting of our moral compass to condone and to justify abuse in any form to another living thing. It is little wonder that the so-called Gorean lifestyle tends to be a breeding ground for narcissistic self-serving misogynistic megalomaniacs posing as Free Persons, because they love having the freedom and the justification to inflict any form of abuse to slaves. Tragically the so-called Gorean lifestyle also attracts the self-denying masochistic individuals who love being abused in all forms, and justify the abusers’ actions as the Free gets to do whatever they want. How fundamentally evil is this kind of teaching! How inherently perverse is this kind of morality, or rather, immorality!

“Kajira” isn’t a label I give myself, but my Master is the one who decides what I am. My journey as kajira is filled with pain and tears, as well as moments of joy, love and tenderness. I’m rediscovering my philosophy and wouldn’t recommend being a kajira to anyone who dislikes being abused in any form.

Even the author John Norman (a.k.a. Dr. John Lange) himself does not live his life based upon the Gorean writings and philosophy. That says a lot, doesn’t it?

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This is interesting, because in the books, it claims goreans arent sadistic. Though there are many forms of punishments, from whipping, to cutting off body parts like noses. It isnt always when I share a negative review on Gor, but the woman does have a point

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day 127

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I don’t want to go into too much detail about how, or why. Yesterday we held the funeral for my little brother. He suffered from schizophrenia. This isn’t the reason he died. It was just something he survived everyday he was alive.

We didn’t always get along. Many of his actions, and decisions he did or made, I did not agree with, or condone at all! I have my own regrets in this. I will carry them with me forever. Though despite not agreeing with his decisions entirely.

I loved him!!!

I am torn apart, heart broken, but I can say that he is no longer dealing with his darkness. He is at peace! I will miss him everyday for the rest of my life, but at least he is not battling his illness. He is no longer sad, or in pain. For that, I am happy!

I Am Grateful!!!

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day 125

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Some people say you should forgive. Forgive people who betray you. Abuse you. Abuse others! I believe some things are meant to be forgiven, but I also have a firm belief, that if someone Commits heinous transgression against you, they should not be forgiven.

Maybe I am wrong?

I do not forgive easily, and I trust far less. I am capable of forgiving minor things. I know, that people are not perfect, as much as we try to be. Though I do not forgive lies, cheats, betrayers, shady people, two faced people.

I am starting to believe that not everything in this world that you are grateful for, are happy things. I am just happy that I know the difference, in transgressions to forgive or not, and that I have the strength to stand firm, and not be weakened by their whining to forgive them!

I Am Grateful!!!

Feeling Safe, and Dealing with Pain

No one in this life; as much as they wish they could be; are perfect! I myself have been striving for perfection in almost everything I do, and I become highly disappointed when things do not turn out how I wanted them too. I have many areas in my life that I would love to grow more in.

Accepting myself for who I am, and how I look is one of them. I have been body shamed since I was fourteen, but belittled and verbally abused since I was a child. So these things that have been drilled into my mind about who I am, and what I look like, and how I should strive to be nothing more than a skeleton in a science class are what run through my mind on a daily basis.

When I consider eating something. I don’t think about wanting it, or liking it, or calorie count. I think about what it will do to me. Will it help me become this size 0 model? Will it just add more to me hips? I hate it. Late at night when I am alone is when it hits me the most. I sometimes wish I had a mute button to shut off this negative thinking. I know it will never go away, and even though my Mistress has me stand in front of mirror, repeating I am Beautiful, and other things as well, it will never be undone. I just have to persevere. Once the damage is done, it is done.

There is no fixing it, no reprogramming, it is there forever!

So I have been conditioned into thinking that what these people have said, is truth. However I am trying to reverse this thinking. I am understanding more now that this is abuse. That I do not have to be around this type of abuse. I can still love the people for who they are, but I do not have to subject myself to this kind of abuse. It might not be physical, where you can see actual scars, but it is abuse regardless. I think we as humans do need toughen up and wipe some of the crap people say about us off our shoulders, but when it is day in and day out, year after year, it becomes difficult.

I am not one that can easily express when I am feeling hurt. I internalize it all until one day I cannot take it anymore, and I explode. I have slowly started learning to hold people accountable for their actions. If they say something that is cruel to me, I call them out on it now right there on the spot. When it is someone I love and care for deeply it far more difficult. No one wants to tell someone they love that they aren’t happy, and have been hurt by them. I don’t like to hear that I have hurt someone, it hurts me to know that I have, so I can understand how they might feel if I bring it up. I would go forever without saying something, and just suffer.

Now I don’t.

Now I have adult conversations and explain where I come from. Granted I don’t do this all the time. My Mistress can bare witness to this. I am learning still, and trying really hard. A lot of the times if I don’t feel safe, I will definitely keep it in. I have been through a traumatic experiences in my life. NO THIS ISN’T A PISSING CONTEST Some of these have triggered things, like my anxiety, PTSD, and Agoraphobia.

When I go places alone, and yes I am able to muster up the courage to drive places alone, but this doesn’t go without a severe panic attack a few days prior, the day of, and possibly after I get home. Most of the time I only feel safe when my Mistress and Daddy are with me. Actually that is all of the time. Without them I do not feel safe at all! Which is odd, since I am skilled in martial arts. I know how to defend myself with and without weapons.

Yet I do not feel safe

So most of the time I am here, online, blogging, writing, talking to people with similar things that I survive with. My writing has been the biggest help for me. Along with my readers and their feedback, and becoming my online friends, and support system, and of course…

My Mistress and Daddy!!!

Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Forty Four

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Simple things in life to me are the greatest. I grew up in a small town in California. It only has about 3 thousand people. It is so small it has one stop sign, and if you blink you would miss it. Everyone there knows your business before you even know it. Growing up there, I hated it. Then again I believe any child hated growing up where they did, unless you were rich and could be anywhere you wanted, when you fancied it.

Sadly I could not go where I wanted when I wanted to!

However as I grow older, I miss it. Despite the small area, I have made so many memories. Most of them are happy ones. Some are funny, and some are deeply painful. The last memory being there is during my Mema’s memorial service. Though before she passed away I made her a promise to never return to this little town. I will keep that promise, and make my future memories somewhere else, where my family can have a better life.

Despite this promise, I still miss it. I miss the familiarity of it. I miss the people. The smells, the views. Of course, I miss the most are the memories. I want to go back in time to all those happy fun memories. To walk in them, and out of them as often as I liked. To be able to hear my Mema laugh again. I forget how her voice sounded anymore. I miss it. To this day it hurts so much to think about her. I still have a few things of hers, stuff in an vacuum locked bag.

I haven’t dared open it. I know it will still smell like her. It will crush me!

but despite all this, there is something small where I live at now. Something that automatically makes me smile twice a day. The drive to and from Daddy’s work. It is just four miles long, but the grass, and bushes on the side of the road. Are as if they took the scenery from my old little town, and placed it here for me. It is, as if my Mema is telling me everything will be Okay, and that she is here to watch over me. It is comforting. The memories might not always be happy ones, but I am so lucky and blessed for the little things like this, that allow me to keep the ones I lost in the past, alive in my heart.

I am Grateful!!!

Sky Diving Naked

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am a strong person in general. I have had some pretty bad shit tossed my way. I am not whining about it, and I know there are others that have had it worse off than myself. However with that being said, I like mild pain. Some pain to me is good pain. It reminds us we are still alive. When it comes to foreplay or punishment, sadly I cannot handle a TON of pain. I have health reasons why, and what not, but I am not against pain at all.

If during play, or a punishment gets too much I voice it. Either first with my safe word, or when its done we discuss it. I am not the best communicator, though I am working hard to improve. Most often I bottle things up until I erupt, but I am truly working so very hard to not do that anymore. I am learning to find my voice, and to speak it when I truly do NOT like something, and it needs to change, or never happen again. I am also learning to hold people accountable. Even holding myself accountable. I have seen little improvements lately, so I am happy for it.

Which is good for me. I am able to voice what I want to do. I am not very experienced sexually so I could list ALL sorts of things I want to do in that aspect. Though, some things I want to do are more vanilla. Like I really want to go sky diving. I think it could be very very fun. Scuba diving would be intense, since I have a huge desire to feed sharks. They do that here where I live, I have never gone though. I want to do it naked. The skydiving part anyways.

Which would be find with me. Naked is my preferred clothing preference. I LOVE being naked. Wearing clothes to me is, is basically like being imprisoned. I dont have a dress code, at least not yet. I might when my Mistress and I move in together. Never know!!

Grateful Challenge Day Eleven

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Eleven

I was always raised to stand firm in what you believe in, and to never waiver from it. To fight for what you believe in, and as I see how the world is today, I can appreciate that little bit from my parents. If anything from my biological father stuck, it was that.

I am very open about what I believe in. I try to be as honest as I can, regardless of my consequences. I fight for those that cannot, and if I could join my military I would. So I do it in other ways. I protest, I vote, I petition, I am an activist for HUMAN rights. I dont believe in the black lives matter, because its ALL lives matter. I dont care if you are red, white, purple, black, brown, yellow, pink, blue, YOURE human, and so because of that, you deserve to BE treated like everyone. I do not care if you are straight, or gay. Man, Woman, Trans, etc etc etc. You are HUMAN, therefore you are entitled to live your life how you want. Be seen how you feel you deserve to be seen, and treated accordingly. IF YOU are happy then that is what matters to me.

I dont care what religion you are. Keep it to yourself, practice it by yourself, and do NOT harm anyone else because of it. I personally feel if your *religion* says you need to kill other people, then you are not in a religion but a cult. This is my belief, MY opinion, and I am not apologizing for it.

I Believe that you should share PRIDE in your race, your culture, your heritage. I am white. I am PROUD to be white!! I am AMERICAN…I am and ALWAYS will be PROUD to be American!! I am sick and tired of seeing all this stuff on the news. I dont believe we should help other countries when we need to help ours first. Strengthen your foundation, before adding more stories to your house.

I think rapists and pedophiles should be put on death row just like murderers. I believe in corporal punishment for heinous crimes. I feel people who are addicted and convicted of drug and alcohol abuse should be sent to rehab, instead of prison.

Illegal immigrants should be deported. ALL of them..not just ones from Mexico. ANY illegal immigrant, from ANY country. You should migrate legally like everyone else did, and WHEN you do, you adhere to OUR laws…you become an American, you act like one. You can have pride in your heritage, but you migrate here, then you are one of us.

I believe in abortion for ONLY rape victims, or those with conditions that giving birth will kill the mother!! Sorry but if you spread your legs you raise the kid. Maybe then we wouldnt have so many teen moms, if they were held accountable?

If girls lie about their age to sleep with men, they should go to jail. NOT the man. I dont ask a man for his birth certificate and social security number before he takes me out to dinner. So I think that between sexes it should be fair. Jobs, standards, crimes, should ALL be equal!!

Anyways I dont want to get carried away…I could continue on..Gun control, ISIS, Who should be president, Education, etc etc etc etc etc etc….

I will lose followers for this, but you know what…if you are So offended by my beliefs, and cannot stand someone with a differnt opinion than your own, then its a blessing..

I am Grateful that I can stand up for myself, my beliefs, and NOT apologize. This is me. This is who I am. These are issues that mean something to me.

I am Grateful!!!

Grateful Challenge Day Ten

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Ten

 

 

I love when it either gets warm enough, or cool enough depending where you live to have a barbecue. It doesn’t matter what it is you are doing it for. Whether you are having a small party, or just cooking for your family. When I drive down a street and I can smell the food cooking mixed with that charcoal that permeates in the air.

Sometimes nothing is better

It reminds me of my childhood. Birthday parties, family gatherings, and people I love and miss whom have passed onto their next lives, are remembered. When I smell a barbecue grilling food, then I can hear my Mema’s voice again. People I love are with me, and the world’s problems get to disappear at least for a little while.

So I am Grateful to that Barbecue smell!!!