Why do I shrug???

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I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!!

So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?

To Be Beauty!!!

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She wiped the table for the Prince and when a morsel of food spilled from his plate to the floor, he commanded Beauty to eat it. With tears spilling from her eyes, Beauty obeyed, and then he gathered her, still on her knees, into his arms and rewarded her with dozens of wet and loving kisses. Obediently she put her arms around his neck. But this little morsel spilling had given him an idea. He ordered her to quickly fetch a plate from the kitchen again and then told her to lay it on the floor at his feet. He put food for her there from his plate and told her to lift her heavy hair behind her shoulders and eat it only with her mouth.

(Page 14, Claiming of Beauty)

I haven’t finished the series yet. I stopped so I can re -start it with my Master. This quote I loved. It was a new way to impress her slavery upon her. Something I long for. To feel it more upon me. My Master and I have begun to transition from D/s to M/s. It is difficult to give myself so completely to him. I must put in all of my trust, and even then, my temperament is still not fully there. Like Beauty, I cry. I cry when I am so humiliated and ashamed to be who and what I truly am in my soul.

I find I admire other strong men. Dominant men. Men I wish to serve. Then I cry, so ashamed. I feel as if I betray my own Master for having such thoughts. I am every bit monogamous. I do not handle well with other slaves/submissives in the house. I become insanely jealous, and I can admit this. I do my best to not let it show, but deep down it destroys me. I am needy, and every much wanting that one on one attention.

So why do I feel this way? If it was just me, alone. I would never dream of randomly serving men. Whether domestically or intimately. I am not that type, but there is something awakening in me. If my Master were to command it of me, I would be the happiest of women in all the world, but only if he commanded it. If he never did, I would still be just as happy.

So one day I am hoping. One day I will have bowls that have Little Deka on them, or whatever else my Master wishes them to say on them. One day, I will eat at his feet, fed on his fingers, and truly feel my slavery that much more pressed upon me. The day is fast approaching, and all I can dream about is the paradise it brings with it.

The freedom, it brings with it!!!

One day we might have play partners, friends that we let into our bed. Or we may never decide to do so. It is at the whim and pleasures of my Master. Each day is hard, a struggle, nor more than ever, but I find myself giving more. More of my soul and heart to my Master. More his in every way!

I do not know yet, how Beauty’s story ends. I am eager to find out, but I am more eager to see where my story goes. Where this road continues to take me. I hope that I walk this path, for the rest of my life with my Master!

love you, my Master, deeply!!!

Sometimes I get scared!!!

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I just had to share this here. I found this beautiful, and I feel most of the time the same way. Please take a peek, I found this on tumblr.


It’s taken me 44 years to find you. You are amazing and I’m thankful every day that our paths crossed, our friendship blossomed, and our love for each other grew stronger.

But some days, I’m scared. Scared that we won’t make it through this part of our journey. Scared that the distance will win out. Scared that the amazing relationship we have will never have a chance to blossom into what we both know it can be.

I’m scared that one day I will look back and wonder “what if”. What if we had met sooner in life? What if we had just held on a little longer? What if I was a better partner in crime or a better little s? What if my heart can never heal from the scars I have from the loss of you? What if we had just thrown caution to the wind and moved in together sooner? What if I had told you and had shown you more just how special you are to me and that I’d move heaven and earth to prove it to you? I get scared that one day I won’t be able to hear your voice or the little phrases that you say each time we talk. They make me smile.

I get scared that one day you’ll realize a relationship with someone else is easier, because let’s be honest, this D/s stuff is a lot of work. I can be challenging. I cry. I’m sappy.

I fish to hear that you love me. My brain spins nonstop. I’m scared that all the good reasons to be with me and love me can’t outweigh the bad.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to wake up in your arms every day or hear you walk through the front door after work. That I’ll never truly know what our 24/7 feels like because we never got a chance to live it. I’m not afraid of hard work and the ups and downs we will face as a couple. I know there are challenges ahead. The thought of moving half way across the country is daunting, but I’d rather face every challenge with you than to know what it’s like to live without you.

Sometimes I’m scared and I just need to hear you say it’s ok. We are in this together and we will close the distance. I just need to hear you say, “I love you, pet and nothing is going to change that” because sometimes I get scared.


https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/texandaddy-an…

I am Strong and still Submissive – So Bite Me!!!

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Someone posted in one of my groups, about being criticized and told they are not submissive, because they ask a lot of questions, they seem assertive at times, and are in control of some aspects of their lives. They said it wasn’t just dominants saying this, that other submissives did this as well.

SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!!

With that aside I have to voice my own opinion. Naturally!!!

OH NO…..I am asserting my own voice…AS a submissive!!!

Anyhoo, I am submissive to Sir-Kayden. I am HIS girl, and to which HIS opinion only matters of me. I control the things in life that he allows me too. He trusts me to make the best decisions for myself, per his rules, and guidelines, and within these I take care of myself as best I can during normal times of the day!

Master has strict rules for me to follow. ONE of these rules is….DEKA…Blog…WRITE…VOICE YOURSELF!!!!

He loves that I have my own beliefs, that I am NOT weak and can voice them. Whether they are about BDSM, Politics, Religion, my stance to end child abuse, my stance to stop shaming rape survivors, and to end human trafficking. No more animal abuse, etc etc etc.. the topics I am so passionate about, and stand up for…my Master encourages me to make myself heard!!!

I am passionate, loving, caring, but I am also Strong!!!

Strong enough to stand up for myself, and others. When I wasn’t always able too. Strong enough to allow someone like Sir-Kayden to take control of me. To guide me, mold me into a better person. I am also strong in another aspect of my life for the first time ever. This last year I have been that much stronger in saying:

NO!!

  • No, I don’t like this!!
  • No, You hurt me, don’t do it again!
  • No, I don’t want to be with you!!!
  • No, I will not accept such an apology, and I WILL hold you accountable for your actions!!!

This does NOT make me less submissive. This just makes me NON-Submissive to YOU! I belong to Kayden. I will serve submissively to anyone he demands of me, because I love him, and in doing so, I serve him!!!

Just because I have a strong stance, and opinions, and I am capable of taking care of decisions in his absence does NOT in any means, make me less submissive!!!

To criticize anyone AT all for doing the same thing, makes YOU judgmental, ignorant, and just plain and simply rude!!!

I am the canvas

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Someone made a comment that a BDSM relationship is like a coloring book. The submissive draws the lines of her BDSM picture, and it is the dominant that must stay within those lines!!! However within those lines, he may do whatever it is he desires! This to me is a great representation in a metaphor of what is a BDSM relationship. Though it makes me wonder.

Does the submissive truly color the lines???

I know as a submissive, I struggle. On more than just my D/s relationship. I struggle with every day things. My master keeps me in check, gives me things to do, and helps me to grow into a better person. Something I fail in doing on my own. Heck, I fail most times being a submissive as well.

I am good when the tough times are here. I can buckle down, and face the storm if I am forced too, but when I am not, I struggle. To take care of myself, and my world around me. That is where Kayden comes in. Kayden guides me, for when the storm isn’t here. Sure, he would be my shield, and knight in rusty armor, during a storm if I needed it. However, I find it is HE who helps me to maintain myself when I am thrown into a chaos of calmness!

Nothing really bad is happening right now in my life!!!

Bills are paid, food in my belly, roof over my head. My child wants for nothing, and she is well cared for and loved. Heck we even finished our Christmas cards that we are sending to wounded soldiers early. We may not be rich in financial means, but we are rich in love, and happiness.

So WHY….WHY am I struggling in my submission, and feel as though I am in chaos mode??

I cannot explain it. Perhaps it is because during these times, I either don’t know what to do, or am preparing for my world to crumble? I am not use to calm, peace, happy worlds. I am used to chaos, and everything that comes with it.

So I wonder; Do I as a submissive color my own lines???

I really don’t think I do. If I did, I think I wouldn’t feel this way. I would have more limits? I would have more self control over things. I would feel happy, and beautiful, and peaceful, when times deserve it.

I guess?

I don’t think I draw the lines…

Master draws the lines, AND he colors the picture!!!

I am just the canvas on which he does it!!!

Not Looking Forward To The Holidays

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The holidays are arriving. Another year goes by and I am back to that bitter feeling. For the longest time I couldn’t pin point it, then the other day it dawned on me. For the last 15 years it just hasn’t been the same.

When I graduated high school, my parents decided to start their divorce. It was shocking, bitter, stressful, and of course dirty. It was about them, and not the children. As it should have been. We went from one home, to two, and I on my own since I was now an adult. Get a job and take care of yourself little Deka.

So both parents remarried. Not such a bad thing, but my biological father didn’t really want anything to do with us. His new wife’s children were perfect, to the point he took down all of our photographs and said once his children were beautiful and as talented as his new wife’s children, he would put out a picture of us.

My step-father never said anything like that, but tradition in his family is they have one big Christmas party, where all the adults bring their gifts over for a catered dinner, and its basically one big Christmas evening. The adults buy gifts for ALL the children, and yada yada. Except, my siblings and I were never included! The foster kids however, were! My brothers, sister and I just sat there, at the table, awkward while we watched from the outside.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not jealous at all, or envious. Why should I be? It’s just for the last 15 years I haven’t felt I belonged anywhere anymore. At least until late. Master makes me feel that I finally have a home again. So yes, during the holidays I get bitter. I have to suck it up, and endure the fake smiles, and the awkward feelings. When really all I want to do, is celebrate it with just my daughter, her father, and my master.

I am unsure if my biological siblings feel this way, maybe that is why we are all so distant anymore? We used to be so close, and now we barely talk. My little sister is jealous of me, apparently. Reasons are unknown. My eldest brother, doesn’t contact anyone in our family unless its a holiday, or family gathering. My youngest brother, talks to me once in a blue moon, but mostly when he wants something.

I am unsure if others feel this disconnected with their family?

Am I alone in this?

I do not even know how to bring this up. All we hear is how foster kids need to feel like they belong, make them feel apart of the family, and never treat them differently, yet this is how we feel and are treated? Everyone has some sort of shitty up bringing. Poor to Rich, vice versa. My life wasn’t any greater, or less than the next person.

So, I am bitter. I am not a scrooge, or anything like that. Just the holidays are supposed to be about family, and coming together. How can I feel joy in it, when I don’t feel like I have a family anymore?

“what you need and what you want aren’t the same things,” ― Cherise Sinclair, The Dom’s Dungeon

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There are many things my Dom does to me that are erotic in nature, and pretty much everything he does turns me on to no end, but a lot of things are not sexual. For instance when we shower, sometimes its a naughty shower with lots of hands on play but there are times when Master just wants to bathe me. My favorite part is after the shower, and I am dressed for bed, and Master comes and brushes out my hair, and then braids it for me, so the next day my hair will have a slight wavy curl, and it isn’t a rat’s nest by morning.

I enjoy this so much, because he takes care of me, as much as I take care of him. Maybe even more. I don’t classify myself as a little, pet, slave, or anything. In the bdsm world I am just a submissive, but I have aspects from all of it that I enjoy. Master takes care of me like this, in the way a DD would for his LG. I enjoy it very much, and I am not used to this kind of love and affection.

Other things I enjoy, eating out of pet bowls, or from Master’s fingertips. Wearing my kitty ears, and making little animal sounds when I am playful. Coloring, painting, snuggly with my stuffy. These are things I like because it is may playful side, slightly childish I suppose, but I never had a childhood. So it is nice sometimes.

Sometimes there are things I need and want. My needs are always met, and NEVER EVER Negotiated! If it truly is a Need, it happens. My wants though, aren’t always fulfilled. Sometimes for good reasons. Like, I may want an 800 dollar pair of shoes, and I whine, and beg Master, but he knows we have plans to get a new place, and we are trying so hard to save, so…NOPE…Not getting those shoes! Wants do not have to be fulfilled, and I am grateful that Master does well in making sure his views are implemented here.

Once in a while he caves, and gives in to my batting of lashes and begging, but most often, it is HIS judgment, and HIS decision and I respect it, even if sometimes I do not like it.

I love my Master, and for once in my life I am extremely happy and well settled!

So with that I must say:

To my Master,

Before I met you, I was lost. Traveling alone down a darkened road, where strangers tried to twist and warp my mind into what they felt I should do. I was scared, and often didn’t take this seriously. I battled my inner demons, with views of society, and my own heart’s needs and desires.

Not once did I ever feel apart of something greater, or had a sense of belonging until I met you! You help me each day to feel beautiful, loved, and wanted. You help me accept myself who I am, and to open up to my inner most desires, and not feel ashamed for it.

Most importantly you make me want to be a better person. More than I was the day before. I am grateful you exist, and that I get to spend each day with you! I will never take you for granted!

To the most amazing person in my life, I love you, Dearly! I strive every day to remain pleasing and beautiful in your eyes, and eagerly follow your guidance and instruction!

Love your girl,

Deka

Keep your mind open

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I think my brain is a little warped. When it comes to BDSM, I usually generalize, men are dominant, women are submissive. It was the hardest thing for me to accept a woman being dominant, and I still to this day have small issues with male submissives. It isn’t the fact I think they don’t deserve respect or what not, it is just my firm belief that men are just naturally dominant. I have tried to shake it for a long time, but I am opening my mind more, to each their own.

I try my hardest not to judge. Just because someone doesn’t like what I do, doesn’t mean they are less of a person. For instant I have health issues, so I cannot do certain things. Like Kneeling, despite how much I ache and yearn to kneel, I simply cannot do it. I force myself too, but then the next day, I cannot walk for the most part the next day. This affects my relationship with my Master sometimes. I know there are some things he wishes to do with me, but we just cant. It kinda sucks and makes me depressed.

I have understood now, that I have been submissive for my entire life. It is who I am, and if I try to ignore it, or change to be something else, then I am not being me! So, the advice, There are no wrong or right ways to be in the lifestyle, no matter how much I try to repeat that in my mind, and believe it, sometimes I have issues. Most submissives kneel before their owners. How can I express that I am submissive without it?

Even my Master has told me he sometimes has an issue seeing my submissive side without me kneeling. This hurt, to no end, and we have discussed it at length. Despite it I try to find other ways to be submissive, to show my submissive nature. It is a learning experience for us both. Plus it requires me to keep my mind open, to knowing that what someone’s relationship is like, will never be what mine is like. As hard as that is to understand, it isn’t a bad thing.

Just means everyone is different, and we shouldn’t compare ourselves.

Who says I need you?

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I have been soooo sick lately, to the point I do NOT wish to get out of bed. Pnuemonia, Strep, etc etc etc. Not fun. Nor is it fun to be this sick, and to have someone nagging in your ear all day long. It truly bothers me. I think my family just tolerates me.

So I am sitting here, eating lunch, just browsing facebook, watching whatever show is on T.V. I think it was, Say yes, to the dress. I am having to do this, while listening to my mom talk to my sister, about some movie coming out, about the past, how an African American, Wants to Marry a Caucasian, and they were both arrested?

I over heard my mother say…LOVE is LOVE…That is so wrong. The heart wants, what it wants. I am all for following love, no matter how that is. THIS made me shake my head. She doesn’t believe this. She just wants to appease my liberal minded sister. So I made a comment. That is you truly believe this, you wouldn’t care if Homosexuals got married.

She rolled her eyes and said it isnt the same thing. However, to me it is. It is just not based on skin, but based on genitals. How is that not different? Being told you cannot marry a white person, because of the color of your skin is the exact same thing as being told you cannot marry someone, because of what is inside your pants!!!

I am a Humanist. Do what you want, whatever it is, that makes you happy, so long as it does not harm the life of another. Whether it be a Person, or another living being. Minus sustenance, that of course is just the circle of life. My mom had the nerve to argue with me for a moment, and then she tells my sister.

Oh, it is just your sister, telling me how much of a shitty person I am, like always!!!

SAY WHAT?????

FIRST: I NEVER NEVER implied, or said, she was a shitty person. Despite her flaws, she is my mother, and I love her, and I was raised to respect your parents. On Top of it, I am the ONLY child out of four to step in and take care of her. She was deathly fricken Ill, but none of the others wanted to have to move in and do it. I being the oldest stepped up, because I was raised to honor thy parents, and duty to your family, blah blah blah!!!

Also, I pay a shit ton of money right now to support her and my step dad. They are both disabled, but…when my other siblings move in, or my step brother with his herd of 7 kids, and two wives, move in, they do NOT….I repeat…NOT pay a fucking DIME!!! What is wrong with this picture?

So I am in the total belief that not only am I being used, but I am of course NOT appreciated, NOR do I feel they even want me in their lives. They do not support that I am dating a FtM. They do not care how I feel, and only speak to me if they need something. Not just my parents, but my siblings as well.

So, it only makes me sad. Sad that when I think about it…once I move out..if Master leaves..I am totally alone. Sad that the people I love the most in the world. That I have given my life to make sure they had one, doesnt care.

BUT, I am certain about one thing!!!

They will always need me, far more than I will EVER need them!!!

Is This My Journal?

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“The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact, superior to the needs of the submissive. Rather, they share equal importance.” – Kacie Cunningham

I am often behind on my blog. Which I suppose isn’t a big deal. I write for myself, it is like a journal or diary. Considering I add my writing to three different places, it shows my determination. I have one blog on Tumblr. Mainly because here I can just reblog images, and other things easily that inspire me. occasionally I will find things on there, that makes me want to write more. WordPress of course is strictly for my writing. I include a picture for each entry, but it is mostly text-based. I also add to Fetlife. In my writing sections.

My Master reads my blog, well only one of them. I have thousands of fans, and I do get letters from them. However I will admit, I do not write for my fans. I write for myself. Sometimes with things I write, I lose fans. apparently my opinions, and beliefs do not make them want to be a friend. Which I can just shrug and say whatever. We are all different, and we aren’t all going to believe what everyone else does. Might as well accept that and move on.

I started my blog six years ago. I used blogspot for the first three, and then got turned onto Tumblr, and WordPress, and moved my writing there. This was solely on my own, I write for myself, and though my Master chooses to read it, he has never demanded it of me. In the past I caught myself censoring. I didn’t want my Master to read things that would upset him, or make him feel he has let me down, because of how I felt.

I have changed. Writing is my coping, it helps with my hurt, and anger, and allows me a way to express myself, so I stopped censoring. My Master knows, that I will write honestly, and though I will never call him names, or anything like that, I will speak about truth, and fact. Somethings however are not meant for the world, and are only shared privately between us.

I am a very independent person, and my Master supports me. He encourages me to do things that I enjoy, and when I got hurt at work, he holds me and tells me it will be okay. Now, believe it or not I am an AGORAPHOBIC! Meaning, I suffer from severe anxiety when I am outside my house, or around strangers, and crowds, etc. Going to work everyday was extremely stressful. I would have panic attacks when I drive, before I drive, etc etc etc.

So I do depend on my Master a little. For instance if we need to go pick up dinner….NOPE..Deka Checks out…and you hear me begging..PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE my Master….I dont wanna go, can you go get it!!! Most often my Master does, and I can take a breath and breathe easier. Sometimes he makes me. *SCREAMS*. Regardless we are there for each other, like any normal couple. We are independent, and co-dependent depending on the situation. I do not see it as good or bad. Being far too independent can be harmful, just as being far too dependent.

I do my best to please my Master, but it is often hard. We cannot be whom we are 24 hours a day, even though we want to. So, I can write. I write about things I need, hope for, or things that are hurting me emotionally. Master reads it, and then we discuss it, because it is hard for me to verbally express myself. Especially when I feel like it is my fault, or I fail him, or I fear it will hurt him!!!

So, I write. I do not consider myself a great writer. I write poorly, bad grammar, etc. This is me…You get to partake in a small piece of my world. One I do not share with many. I enjoy my fans, and I like reading their comments, and getting to know them. So I will continue to write, even if it takes me a week to post something. I enjoy it, immensely.