Why do I shrug???

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I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!!

So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?

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Yes, I am an Introvert!!!

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Everyday is a struggle for me I guess. I am usually in control of every aspect of my daily life. From taking care of the family, to paying the bills, and other house chores that I do. So giving up the control, at most times are hard for me. So being able to step into my submissive role after a long days work, is something I wish I could do much more easier. So I need to work on transitioning more fluently. I tend to get sassy and bratty when I have been in a commanding role for so long.

It is even more difficult for me, because I am an introvert. So I for the most part tend to keep things hidden, by myself and well, opening up is like pulling teeth from a lion. I do not trust easy, especially when it is online, because you do not actually see the person. I have been hurt by people I thought cared for me, when they catfished me, and such. Now I have to voice verify if I want to make true friends online, and even then it is only at arms reach, because people in the end only let you know what they want you too. So you only get to see what they let you.

It isnt such a bad thing being an introvert. We do have some good things. Like being alone I can recharge easier, and I tend to enjoy being alone. I can take up hobbies, and accomplish things. I enjoy stuff like learning, and anything to do with arts and crafts. I love to get my nails done, or to sit and read. Music and singing, dancing, or anything to do with the ocean.

Really though I love to blog. Blogging has helped me so much. Though it sucks that I work so much now I hardly have the time. Between work, and spending time with those I care about, bloggin lately has been farthest from my mind. On my days off, I am far too tired, and have so much to do, that I dont have the time to even consider it. So I am hoping to get more done. This really helps me.

Which lately, I really need, because life hasn’t been going so well.

Whiskey Sour

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Deanna paced back and forth on the terrace, the chiffon skirt pushed up against the balcony as she leaned over just enough to look down at the ocean waves beating against the sand. She sighed, a bit frustrated that Devon was still sitting around a poker table with buddies. She would tap her foot on the floor, the tiny taps silenced as her phone rang.

“Hello?” she would say.
“When can you get away?” the voice was heard on the other line.
“It appears I might not be able too, tonight?” she would respond.
“Well can you go ask him. We’ve been here an hour!” the voice would ask.

Deanna with a sigh moved off the terrace and into the room. She plopped down on the sofa, crossing her right ankle over her left and rubbing down her skirt. She would look to Devon and his four friends and studied them.

“Devon, I don’t mean to interrupt but Alexis just called again. She was asking when we might be down for supper?” she would chew on her bottom lip nervously, waiting for a response.

A few of the men at the table just laughed and shook their head. Devon set his cards face down on the table and turned and looked at her. The stare was penetrating, and caused Deanna to shy away some, but the look she knew all to well. It took only a point of his hand to the all too well known closet door, and Deanna was up on her feet walking to it. When Deanna re-entered the room she set the duffle bag down, and then moved to her knees. She adjusted the skirt, and placed her hands behind her bag awaiting Devon’s command.

“You have thirty seconds to put on those cuffs and get to my side!” he would grin deviously.

“Yes, Sir” she said. Deanna moved, as fast as possible, putting the cuffs first on her ankles, and then her wrists and when she was done she crawled to him and knelt before him. Anxiety filled her and revealed itself in her bright green eyes. Devon leaned forward and would remove the clothing from her body. He tossed it to the couch.

“Now stand up, and spread your ass and let me friends see your pretty fuck holes!” he told her, “and it better look pretty!’ he commanded

Fear struck her, but she rose to her feet. She turned her back to them, and parting her thighs shoulder length apart, she would bend over and hold open her ass cheeks. Cool air hit her nether lips, and it caused her to gasp. She trembled knowing how she must look, and when the men all commented on her, it made her groan out from her humiliation. Devon rose to his feet, and placed his drink on the top of her ass.

“If you spill my drink, you will be punished!’ he said to her, before moving to her face and pulling his cock out of his pants, presented it too her. Deanna opened her mouth and took him deep within. Her tongue would move around the bottom side as her saliva got his shaft all sopping wet. Her body shook a little forcing her to arch her back more and lift her ass to try and hold the cup on her without spilling it. Her fingers gripped tightly into her flesh, making sure his friends had the perfect view.

Devon gripped her blonde ponytail and began to thrust his hips back and forth. He would push all the way down until she couldn’t breath, and from that point on he pinched her nose closed. Deanna looked up to him, fear in her eyes, and when he wouldn’t let up, she panicked a little trying to get some air. Her body convulsed and caused the glass on her to spill all over her. His whiskey sliding down the crack of her ass to her pussy was cold but made her glisten even more between her thighs. The glass would hit the ground clanging away.

“Well you spilled my drink whore!” he said to her, before smacking the side of her face a little, and would finally pull his cock out of her mouth. Trails of saliva was cut as he moved away and Deanna was choking and gasping for air, before she cried out. “What should we do to her?” he asked his friends.

(to be continued)

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Eighty Five

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I like artwork. Strange art to be truly honest, fan art, etc. I dont often write about my family, because most of the time I have nothing really positive to say, and lets face it. Grateful challenges are to be things that are positive. So I wanted to write about this.

My mom paints sometimes. She isnt famous, she doesnt sell her artwork, no matter how many times we complain and say she should. She does modern abstract artwork. It is her favorite. It calms her down, and it really makes her happy. However she was so badly abused by my father, that she has NO self esteem. This breaks my heart!

We know how amazing she is, how talented she is, and the fact that despite living in pain from having a broken back, she still does so many good things for our family, and the community. She isnt perfect, and sometimes we have bad days, but her art, it makes us happy, to see her happy, and the paintings are treasures.

Word of advice: If you love someone, dont just say it. Make them feel it, let them see it in your actions. NEVER put them down, because it only takes ONE time of feeling worthless by someone that you love, to believe you are!!!

I love her artwork, it is something I will get to keep after she lives this world

I Am Grateful!!!

What Makes You Cry?

So Mistress and I talked about my past trauma. She hasn’t ever endured what I have, and so she doesn’t quite understand certain things when I trigger and what not. I cried during most of it. It is hard to talk about things in my life that have affected me emotionally, and mentally. Sometimes I see people that behave a certain way. Throwing tantrums, or what not, and I want to just shake them and say get over it. How can I do that though? That would be like someone shaking me and telling me to get over it as well!

Suffering from severe social anxiety, because of people in my life that have done me wrong, makes me not trust anyone, so why bother getting to know someone, or getting close? I get so stressed now when I am forced into a crowd, or having to meet someone new for the first time. Or not being able to go anywhere alone? Having panic attacks, and hyperventilating when I have to drive a few blocks, or I am standing alone in the line at the store, and I have to confront the retailer. It sounds stupid. Even when I talk about it out loud, I feel humiliated, because these are things that should come simple to my life. I struggle with these issues everyday.

Though it is good to cry, even over past pain. Sometimes I cry when I am happy. I am a very sentimental person, and I cry over things like this, and I cry over very romantic things. It seems silly but my Mistress and I play a pet city game, and you have dailies to do, and so while she is at work, I take care of her pet, and sometimes I cry about it, because it makes me feel really submissive to do this one little silly task, because I want to be there every day to take care of her. To do things for her, like help her clean, do her laundry, cook for her, give her massages. I know August is coming fast, and we will move in together, but I still ache to do these things for her.

I don’t have many areas in my life that my Mistress doesn’t control. Though she never tells me what to eat, or wear, or anything. She doesn’t even tell me how to spend my money, but I did ask her to help me to budget more. I suck at budgeting. I think anyways. My bills get paid, on time, but I never have any money left over. Then again Daddy spends like 300 a month on food for him to have at work. NORMALpeople take a simple lunch with them, but not Daddy! He takes like TONS of food with him, and I don’t even know why. I am sure if there was something Mistress wanted control over, that I wasn’t comfortable with her having control over, we could discuss it.

There are things I like now that I never thought I would. Like having a female Dominant. I used to hate the idea. I would basically in my mind throw a tantrum. I was so brainwashed that only men can be Dominants. That women are submissive. I still have trouble seeing women as Dominant, but not my Mistress. I see things now and I get excited. Like, thrones for my Mistress to have at home, or pretty clothes I think she would look good in. Heels, and corsets, and even sex toys and stuff. I thought I would be weirded out being with a woman, or even licking her pussy. Turns out I love it, and I feel I am rather good at it.

So, I say if you are interested in it, get out there and try it. If others think you are weird, WHO CARES? Just DO YOU the best way you know how to. Screw society, and screw their standards!!

Color outside of the lines, and make your own piece of art!!!

What’s your protocol?

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I am so nervous. Mistress, Daddy and I are going to attend our first BDSM meetup. Granted its a vanilla event, called BAD MOVIE NIGHT!! Basically we watch really terribly made low budget films, and just enjoy it. So I am terrified yet excited!

I am most surely going to be under strict protocol. Which I do not mind. I actually like protocol. It is easier to follow and submit too, because I know what I can and cannot do. Though Mistress is pretty good at letting me know when it is high protocol time. I really dont like to mess up, and even though am far from perfect, knowing when I can goof off some, and test boundaries and when I cannot is far better for my submission.

Granted no matter what I am doing, I am ALWAYS in service to my Mistress and Daddy. I have chores around the house. Normal things. Laundry, cleaning the kitchen, stuff like that. I hate chores. Sometimes I will be like..Nope..I dont wanna….but Mistress or Daddy puts me in my place, and I do them. I have a bedtime, which for someone who suffers severe insomnia is veryvery difficult to abide.

I have rules I have to follow. Like writing in my blog everyday. Mostly I am to write about my submission, how I grow, and such, but I do blog lots of things. Depending on where I am actually blogging. Tumblr you see, are my writings, but also erotic photos, other peoples stories, artwork, poetry, etc etc. WordPress is strictly writing, with some picture to go with it, and of course my fetlife. So I add content everywhere. I have even posted a few of my non BDSM entries on my facebook. *wriggles her eyebrows*

I have other duties too, wearing my hair a certain way, which I do most of the time, but someties it gets really hot, so I have to just toss it up in a bun. Writing in my blogs is way to save my sanity though, and even though it might sometimes feel like a chore to me, I find it theraputic. Even if no one reads what I write, (Though now I know at least someone does), I can find a way to release negative feelings. So it helps me not to lose my mind.

Which makes me feel better. In fact I cannot recall the last time I was indeed this happy. Ive been so trapped in a sadness bubble, that seeing myself smile all the time now, or laughing a lot, is really different to me. I feel like a different person, and though I still have my down days. Like the days I really feel disconnected from my Mistress, and so it makes me depressed and lonely, I can say I am having less of them. There are many things in this world that make me smile, and laugh, but to truly say one thing in general makes me happy?

Happy is a term I dont know. Somehow, I will have to find out what truly in this world makes me the happiest. For now though, I feel happy, and it is for many, many many reasons!!

Grateful Challenge Day Fourteen

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Fourteen

So I decided to get rid of all the negative people in my life. Anyone that has ever betrayed me, lied to me, used me, etc. It has been a long road to get to this point fully. It is very lonely now as well, since I was constantly surrounded by these people at all times. They only influenced me to be a shallow, catty person, and were constantly gossiping about others, and being negative. I was not okay with it, but I had fallen into the regular habit of doing it. I started to not like myself. Now I have standards when it comes to people. BE WHO YOU ARE! That’s my standard. I am not the prettiest, skinniest, most athletic, wealthy, smart person out there. I have no right to judge or anything, just as no one has the right to do that to me!

So tonight when I received such a mean message. It wasnt about my looks, or wealth, or how intelligent I am or am not. It was just someone trying to bully me. Trying to say I wasnt a submissive. That I was a princess. Funny thing. Most people try to call submissive women princesses for just a few reasons:

  • They know what they want, and stick to their guns about it! IE (Wont allow you to trample their limits)
  • When a submissive sticks up for herself, and holds a different opinion than that of a Dominant!
  • They are just hurt that really..you just aren’t interested in them, and that hurts their ego. So they strike back.

I am sure there are a million other reasons, but these are the most common I have found. So normally would have been catty. I would have message them back with hurtful things. I would have found a way to exploit their weaknesses, and use such nasty and foul languages that it would in fact make me seem like the bad guy in the situation for dropping down past their level. Tonight I did not. I received such a terrible message, and at first I was like…

uses her minion voice

WHAT????

and then I was like:

Hey, that really isnt nice dude!

However instead of just commenting mean things, and shouting at them with millions of different words used in profanity, some known, and most likely knew ones invented just for this person. I smiled, shared it with my Mistress, and we laughed over it. You see I am a princess. In a way! I am my Mistresses, Princess. Each time she calls me princess when she texts me. When she calls me it over the phone, and in emails. At that moment I am…HER PRINCESS! When she calls me her good girl. That is what I am. When she calls me her dirty slut..that is what I am. If I am her pet, that is what I am but what this person fails to understand is…I AM HERS!! Her opinion matters, no one else’s does!

So I am grateful, that my Mistress is a positive influence on me. That I am in fact growing under her guidance to being a better person. Between my Mistress, and Daddy I think I am truly blossoming. I am dedicated to be pleasing to my Mistress, because I love her dearly, and I want her happiness always. I am whatever my Mistress says I am!

I am grateful for it!

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Nine

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Grateful Challenge 2016 – Day Nine

So I have trouble remembering things from my childhood, whether it was good or bad. I disociated myself because of different traumatic experiences in my life that happened at different times. So I know my childhood wasnt ALL bad, just some bad experiences. It sucks when I hear things from my family like, do you remember this, or you used to love that sooo much. Etc.

I dont recall this at all, and so that is why I LOVE old pictures of my life. It helps me to remember. I can look at them and I get this feeling that washes over me, and then I can recall things. What I remember feeling then, smelling, etc. It helps to bring me back to that moment, especially when I feel I am losing my mind.

I can recall numbers, specific events down to the date it happened, word for word what was spoken, and it frustrates me that I cannot do the same for my past. How can I remember what you said exactly six years, four days, thirty two minutes, and thirteen seconds ago, but not about being happy flying in my father airplane when I was two?

Anyways, seeing the pictures reminds me of times my mind cannot seem to recall it on their own.

So I am very grateful, for old photographs!

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Six

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Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Six:

I don’t know what it is, most likely just another number of health issues I have on the rising. I used to HATE being cold. I lived in Washington state for 5 years, and it snowed. I was told it only snows once in a blue moon. It must have been a BLUE moon for 9 months, each year I was there. Now I live across the country, and I am ALWAYS hot. To the point I refuse to go outside, unless I know its raining, or we will be somewhere cold soon!

So today I am grateful for the fact it isnt the temperature of the sun, and I have to actually use a throw blanket to not freeze my nipples off. It has been raining here, and lightening, thunder. I love it. Its amazing. I like getting into my car and going, Holy crap batman, turn on the heater!!

So thank you mother nature. I am soooo grateful that you give me cool days to remind myself that I am not in hell!!!

I am grateful!!