Sometimes I get scared!!!


I just had to share this here. I found this beautiful, and I feel most of the time the same way. Please take a peek, I found this on tumblr.

It’s taken me 44 years to find you. You are amazing and I’m thankful every day that our paths crossed, our friendship blossomed, and our love for each other grew stronger.

But some days, I’m scared. Scared that we won’t make it through this part of our journey. Scared that the distance will win out. Scared that the amazing relationship we have will never have a chance to blossom into what we both know it can be.

I’m scared that one day I will look back and wonder “what if”. What if we had met sooner in life? What if we had just held on a little longer? What if I was a better partner in crime or a better little s? What if my heart can never heal from the scars I have from the loss of you? What if we had just thrown caution to the wind and moved in together sooner? What if I had told you and had shown you more just how special you are to me and that I’d move heaven and earth to prove it to you? I get scared that one day I won’t be able to hear your voice or the little phrases that you say each time we talk. They make me smile.

I get scared that one day you’ll realize a relationship with someone else is easier, because let’s be honest, this D/s stuff is a lot of work. I can be challenging. I cry. I’m sappy.

I fish to hear that you love me. My brain spins nonstop. I’m scared that all the good reasons to be with me and love me can’t outweigh the bad.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to wake up in your arms every day or hear you walk through the front door after work. That I’ll never truly know what our 24/7 feels like because we never got a chance to live it. I’m not afraid of hard work and the ups and downs we will face as a couple. I know there are challenges ahead. The thought of moving half way across the country is daunting, but I’d rather face every challenge with you than to know what it’s like to live without you.

Sometimes I’m scared and I just need to hear you say it’s ok. We are in this together and we will close the distance. I just need to hear you say, “I love you, pet and nothing is going to change that” because sometimes I get scared.…


Feeling Safe, and Dealing with Pain

No one in this life; as much as they wish they could be; are perfect! I myself have been striving for perfection in almost everything I do, and I become highly disappointed when things do not turn out how I wanted them too. I have many areas in my life that I would love to grow more in.

Accepting myself for who I am, and how I look is one of them. I have been body shamed since I was fourteen, but belittled and verbally abused since I was a child. So these things that have been drilled into my mind about who I am, and what I look like, and how I should strive to be nothing more than a skeleton in a science class are what run through my mind on a daily basis.

When I consider eating something. I don’t think about wanting it, or liking it, or calorie count. I think about what it will do to me. Will it help me become this size 0 model? Will it just add more to me hips? I hate it. Late at night when I am alone is when it hits me the most. I sometimes wish I had a mute button to shut off this negative thinking. I know it will never go away, and even though my Mistress has me stand in front of mirror, repeating I am Beautiful, and other things as well, it will never be undone. I just have to persevere. Once the damage is done, it is done.

There is no fixing it, no reprogramming, it is there forever!

So I have been conditioned into thinking that what these people have said, is truth. However I am trying to reverse this thinking. I am understanding more now that this is abuse. That I do not have to be around this type of abuse. I can still love the people for who they are, but I do not have to subject myself to this kind of abuse. It might not be physical, where you can see actual scars, but it is abuse regardless. I think we as humans do need toughen up and wipe some of the crap people say about us off our shoulders, but when it is day in and day out, year after year, it becomes difficult.

I am not one that can easily express when I am feeling hurt. I internalize it all until one day I cannot take it anymore, and I explode. I have slowly started learning to hold people accountable for their actions. If they say something that is cruel to me, I call them out on it now right there on the spot. When it is someone I love and care for deeply it far more difficult. No one wants to tell someone they love that they aren’t happy, and have been hurt by them. I don’t like to hear that I have hurt someone, it hurts me to know that I have, so I can understand how they might feel if I bring it up. I would go forever without saying something, and just suffer.

Now I don’t.

Now I have adult conversations and explain where I come from. Granted I don’t do this all the time. My Mistress can bare witness to this. I am learning still, and trying really hard. A lot of the times if I don’t feel safe, I will definitely keep it in. I have been through a traumatic experiences in my life. NO THIS ISN’T A PISSING CONTEST Some of these have triggered things, like my anxiety, PTSD, and Agoraphobia.

When I go places alone, and yes I am able to muster up the courage to drive places alone, but this doesn’t go without a severe panic attack a few days prior, the day of, and possibly after I get home. Most of the time I only feel safe when my Mistress and Daddy are with me. Actually that is all of the time. Without them I do not feel safe at all! Which is odd, since I am skilled in martial arts. I know how to defend myself with and without weapons.

Yet I do not feel safe

So most of the time I am here, online, blogging, writing, talking to people with similar things that I survive with. My writing has been the biggest help for me. Along with my readers and their feedback, and becoming my online friends, and support system, and of course…

My Mistress and Daddy!!!

Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Fifteen


Grateful Challenge 2016 Day Fifteen

My daughter was supposed to have a new friend stay the night. I had it all planned, bought snacks, and drinks, was going to take them bowling, and what not. However her mother didn’t approve of it, without meeting me. Which is alright, I am the same way. Normally I would take my daughter to their house. I would get their address, phone numbers, and I would go inside and look around. If the house was filthy, or unsafe I wouldn’t allow my daughter to stay.

However this girls mom wont do that. She wants to go have breakfast. Awkward! I have severe social anxiety when it comes to meeting new people. I learned her whole life story over the phone in ten minutes, and I am unsure if she is wanting to be safe about her daughter or try to make a new friend? Its just my anxiety kicking in, because I am so insecure about meeting new people. On top of it, I am very opinionated about certain issues, like politics and religion. I really hope those two do not come up.

Anyways I am nervous, but I am willing to push through this anxiety for my daughters sake. Her happiness comes before any uncomfortable feeling I need to endure. It will be awkward for me, but I will survive. I am just thankful there is another mother out there that is like me. One that guards their child, enough to not allow them at a strangers house without knowing they are safe. I used to feel I was kind of a quack for doing that. It is nice to see another parent that actually cares about their child.

I am grateful for this!