Why do I shrug???

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I have always had troubles expressing myself. My voice was always silenced by my family, by my peers. Though when I get the chance to finally speak, my tongue is pure silver. I am capable of being the rock in someone’s life. I stand up for my beliefs, I defend the defenseless. So why do I find it so hard to feel? To let go? To hold the pain I feel? Why do I shrug it away?

The other night Master and I were talking. About my father, my husband, and a thing that happened in my life. When Master asked me specific questions, I would try to answer, but with those answers came a shrug of my shoulders. Perhaps the shrug just meant I didn’t care anymore? Though I know that is only a lie I tell myself. I know why I shrug.

  • I shrug because I do not feel I am worth it.
  • I shrug because I have never had my hurt addressed when I try to speak about it.
  • I shrug because what point is there to have hopes and dreams, when all they are shot down by the world.
  • I shrug because I have been told my entire life, how I feel is wrong.
  • I shrug because it is easier to push the pain down so I can continue to breathe.
  • I shrug because it is the only way I know how to survive.
  • I shrug because I did not matter to anyone for the longest time.

I do not want to shrug anymore. I want to live. I want the hurt, the emptiness, the heartache, I want it to mend, to heal, to disappear. I want to stop loving people that do not love me. I want my broken heart to not be broken anymore. I have done my best to merely survive. Though I am not sure I can go on anymore the way things used to be.

I am a lost soul. I don’t know where I belong. My path is dark, and I am terrified. It is hard to see the light when you are merely invisible. You sit there, day in, day out, and all you feel is time moving past you. You are shouting at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Or that nightmare you are in, where you are just enough under the ocean’s surface, and you’re swimming, and swimming but you cannot catch your breath and make it to the surface.

That is my life!

I am angry, at my father because of how he has treated my mother growing up. How he continues to treat me. It is sad when you only have memories of sitting in the corner with your knees to your chest, and your hands over your ears as a four-year-old little girl, because you want to drown out the screaming, and the fact your father is beating your mother. His voice in your head, repeating over and over again, that you are not beautiful, and just a liability to your family, and that he only tolerates you!

A father should show his daughters how they should be treated!

How else am I to know what love is? What a man should treat me like? That abuse is not something his daughters should ever experience or tolerate. To feel that they are the only woman in the world, and should indeed be treated like it. That I should not feel guilty when I tell my partner that I am not okay with them having other lovers!

We grow up, raised the way we are, and that is what we know. If we around abuse all of our lives, then we accept it as a way of life. That his is how life is supposed to be. How long, does someone need to be kicked down, before they either die or fight back???

I have not spoken to my father in five years. The moment he said he was done tolerating me, I was done. I could not take any more abuse. I walked away, and I have not yet looked back. I miss him because he is my father. I wish he was a father, though. I have three siblings, and the four of us do not speak to him because of his abuse. So why am I jealous, and angry that he reached out to my little brother?

Master says my feelings are okay to feel. That I am entitled to my feelings. So why do I shrug? Why do I feel as if feeling this way is wrong? I don’t think it is right that I am jealous. What right do I have? Why should I care if he loves me or not? I think we all want our parents to love us, unconditionally.

I want him to be apart of my life. To be apart of my daughter’s life, but my pride won’t gives in. I truly feel he should come to me, asking forgiveness, but truth is. I don’t think I can give it. When someone of a sober mind, looks you dead in the face and tells you that they don’t want you. That you are a mistake. Then dumps you on the side of the road, and never looks back. Do they deserve your thoughts and forgiveness?

So I shrug!!!

It is easier to shrug than to have to admit, I married my father. Though he doesn’t physically abuse me. Emotionally he has broken my spirit. Master says he feels we just love in different ways! I don’t believe he has ever truly loved me. I feel I was the means to escape something bad happening in his life. When you are with someone, and you love them. You do so unconditionally. There is no, I loved this person. You never stop loving someone, no matter what they do to you. You can still love someone, even when they have tried to murder you. So as much as it pains me to say. I love him!

I do love him, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. I have loved him since I was a teenager. We might not have married for love, but I tried with all of my soul to be everything he needed and wanted. I was never good enough is the reason. I know it is the reason, because if you love someone, when they are sick, and nearing their death bed, and they are in pain, you don’t leave them, to go be with someone else for the night.

You don’t sit there day in and day out, ignoring the person that is eagerly awaiting your attention. You don’t tell them to change this about themselves, change that about themselves, and when they finally give in, and change everything they are for you, you DONT say that it isn’t what you want anymore. You don’t go behind their backs to seek others affections. Knowing it will kill their soul. Knowing what it is going to do to them emotionally.

For years I watched my father take all the money out of the bank account, take our car, and leave to go be with his next whore. Then when he was tired of her, come back to my mother, and my mother, did what thought was right, or she was just too scared to do it alone and would take him back. My husband may not check out financially, but he does this emotionally. He will leave, check out, start a new relationship, then come crawling back asking me to work on it. For years it was this way.

I was becoming my mother!

It took all of my strength to finally say…No more! I will admit it is still a struggle. We have a child we raise together, and we all still live together! We are better off as friends, but even then, it hurts. With a relationship, you get that cut. That break that shatters you, but over time, not seeing the person, not talking to them, you can slowly mend, and start to move on. I sadly, do not have that luxury. I have taken such for granted.

I have been with Master for over a year now. My husband and he are good friends. I love my husband but that love has shifted from intimate love to just one of friendship. Despite it still being painful. It is hard to love someone, that does not love you back. I am grateful Master is understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel loved and wanted. I never knew what that truly felt like.

Yet, I still shrug!!!

I shrug each time my mother calls me evil. She thinks that because I am not religious, that I am evil. She thinks that because I enjoy being with a woman, as much as I do a man makes me evil. She tells me how much of a horrible mother I am, how I didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife, how I do nothing with my life. Maybe she is right? So I shrug!

Someone can only hear something so many times before they give up. They lose respect. They don’t care anymore. You birthed me! You raised me! So how am I evil? I am the very image of you. Your looks, Your ideals, Your beliefs, but I am evil? I am so deserving of your hatred? Why, because I am different? Because I am not subservient to you?

It is a sad day when a child realizes they want nothing more to do with their hateful parents. Do I love them? YES!! I do not belong here, however. Don’t get me wrong, my mother isn’t entirely a terrible person. Like Master says, we are all human. We make mistakes. We make wrong decisions, take wrong turns, but in the end. What defines us, is how we handle these situations. How we handle the consequences of our decisions.

Part of me blames my mother for the deep love I have for my father. She would do things, and tell us. Oh, your daddy did this all by himself for you. Or, this was your dad’s way of saying he loves you. Etc. I understand why she did it. As a child, a mother wants their kid to feel loved, wanted, and safe. As an adult, I feel she was truly wrong with the choice she made to do this. Perhaps if I knew the truth at a young age, I would have learned what I deserve in a relationship?

Nature Vs. Nurture!!!

My mother used to encourage me, to follow my dreams. Be the best me I could be. That I needed no one to support me, and that I could if I wanted, be anything in the world I wanted to be. The sky was the limit. Now all I get from her is bitterness. Her hatred. Her telling me, that if I divorce my husband she will disown me. Telling me I am disgusted because I love my Master, and I love my D/s life, and that she is appalled to be around us because my Master is transgender!

There was a time, I yearned for her approval. That time has long since passed. I came to her aid. The only child out of four, to come home and take care of her while she was dying. For what? To be belittled every chance she gets? To see the cycle of abuse is never ending? To watch someone who was abused, become the abuser themselves. I REFUSE!!

So I used to shrug. I felt little, small, and that I did not matter. Sometimes I still do, when Master is not around. My world is dark, and I can’t breathe. I shrugged because no one cared to listen to me. I shrugged because it made little difference to anyone else how I felt, if I lived, I did not matter!

Now I shrug because I do not care anymore. Nothing will change the past. Nothing will change how I feel about something. Nothing is going to change the people that have hurt me.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!!

So why should I care? Why not just shrug it off, and move on with my life, to better times? To memories of people that love me?

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GRATEFUL CHALLENGES 2016 – Day 341 – 365

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12.07.16 – Happy to have Christmas shopping done
12.08.16 – Figured out what I was getting my brother for a present
12.09.16 – Got a check…YAY!!!
12.10.16 – Happy to not have so much anxiety for the deposition.
12.11.16 – I FUCKING LOVE MY ATTORNEY!!!
12.12.16 – Just happy that the holidays are almost over
12.13.16 – Adore my new RP family in second life.
12.14.16 – Got another check, just IN time….Thanks to my attorney.
12.15.16 – Packed and ready to go!!!
12.16.16 – Vacation weekend time with Master and our kid. FOUND a Fucking Tauros for Pokemon!!!! FECK YEAH!!! Our ONE year Anniversary…it is so amazing. I feel like it was only yesterday that Master collared me.
12.17.16 – The drive was pleasant, despite it killing my back. The Hotel is beautiful!!
12.18.16 – Met Master’s parents, and we baked cookies all day. WE had a blast!!!
12.19.16 – The weekend is over, and having memories to add to this year is wonderful.
12.20.16 – My niece told me she loved me. She is 2 and finally getting a personality.
12.21.16 – So happy that my new doctor finally listened to me. I feel like something good is going to finally come into helping my injury. I am so relieved.
12.22.16 – Spending time with the kids, listening to Xmas music, and enjoying our night.
12.23.16 – I am happy my brother and Daddy are becoming good friends. It is something that is needed.
12.24.16 – Wrap, Wrap, Wrapping presents..All of them for the Xmas tree…YAY….Plus stayed up all night with Master, and her partook in my tradition. Xmas music, Hot Cocoa with peppermint, and us just staring at the lights on the tree.
12.25.16 – CHRISTMAS….Presents was fun..but Master had to go to the ER. Thankfully, Master is Okay. I am relieved!
12.26.16 – Snuggles with Master for most of the day…YAY!!
12.27.16 – Not feeling good today, but happy Master doesn’t mind I get to stay in bed for most of it.
12.28.16 – Daddy’s Birthday, and my brother took him out for the evening. He had a blast, and I am happy that he had a great night.
12.29.16 – Good food, and a new television series….WOOT!
12.30.16 – Enjoyed some games with Master online. Time to relax at the end of the year.
12.31.16 – Did anyone say Masquerade ball??? Master and I went to one in Second life, because clearly…cant go in real life, but it was romantic, and so much fun!

I Am Grateful!!!

Not only am I grateful and posting this late, but I am proud that I was able to do 365 of these. It is something I endeavored on my own, and it is complete. 2016 was so hard on us, both emotionally, and physically, but I hope that 2017 brings a many great new things!

GRATEFUL CHALLENGES 2016 – Day 331 – 340

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331 – Grateful that my sister is out of an abusive relationship and getting the help she needs

332 – Grateful that my Master and I found more fun things to do together.

333 – Grateful that my Master feels more like himself, even if the world doesnt like it.

334 – Grateful that I get to see my nephew and niece despite my brothers divorce

335 – Grateful that my Master says he loves my dog Toby now, instead of hating on him all the time.

336 – Grateful that I had the strength to get my mom the memorial ornament for my brother, since I knew she just couldnt fathom the thought. It is our first christmas since his passing!

337 – Grateful that I had the finances to get my baby girl the things she desired for christmas.

338 – Grateful for Master hold me close when I am in dire need, and he whispers it will be okay.

339 – Grateful that Master will be with me during some depositions for my workmens comp.

340 – Grateful that we can paint handmade porcelain ornaments with the kids this year, as is tradition!!!!

I Am Grateful!!!

GRATEFUL CHALLENGES 2016 – Day 325

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Having a great night with two new friends that we met on fetlife and got to have dinner with tonight! Had a blast!!!

Thank you so much Twisted_Dahlia and Twistedpup for coming to dinner with Kayden, and Merrek and I. We hope you had just as much fun conversing even if the waitress was a bit slow.

Cant wait for our next one!!!

I Am Grateful!!!

GRATEFUL CHALLENGES 2016 – Day 324

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Falling in love with my Master all over again, because he blind folded me, took me out to the boonies, and danced with me under the stars. He created an entire playlist of music to listen to, and even sang to me while he held me in his arms!!! How did I ever get so lucky???

I Am Grateful!!!