Not Looking Forward To The Holidays

i-have-spent-a-lot-of-years-on-the-outside-looking-in-quote-1

The holidays are arriving. Another year goes by and I am back to that bitter feeling. For the longest time I couldn’t pin point it, then the other day it dawned on me. For the last 15 years it just hasn’t been the same.

When I graduated high school, my parents decided to start their divorce. It was shocking, bitter, stressful, and of course dirty. It was about them, and not the children. As it should have been. We went from one home, to two, and I on my own since I was now an adult. Get a job and take care of yourself little Deka.

So both parents remarried. Not such a bad thing, but my biological father didn’t really want anything to do with us. His new wife’s children were perfect, to the point he took down all of our photographs and said once his children were beautiful and as talented as his new wife’s children, he would put out a picture of us.

My step-father never said anything like that, but tradition in his family is they have one big Christmas party, where all the adults bring their gifts over for a catered dinner, and its basically one big Christmas evening. The adults buy gifts for ALL the children, and yada yada. Except, my siblings and I were never included! The foster kids however, were! My brothers, sister and I just sat there, at the table, awkward while we watched from the outside.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not jealous at all, or envious. Why should I be? It’s just for the last 15 years I haven’t felt I belonged anywhere anymore. At least until late. Master makes me feel that I finally have a home again. So yes, during the holidays I get bitter. I have to suck it up, and endure the fake smiles, and the awkward feelings. When really all I want to do, is celebrate it with just my daughter, her father, and my master.

I am unsure if my biological siblings feel this way, maybe that is why we are all so distant anymore? We used to be so close, and now we barely talk. My little sister is jealous of me, apparently. Reasons are unknown. My eldest brother, doesn’t contact anyone in our family unless its a holiday, or family gathering. My youngest brother, talks to me once in a blue moon, but mostly when he wants something.

I am unsure if others feel this disconnected with their family?

Am I alone in this?

I do not even know how to bring this up. All we hear is how foster kids need to feel like they belong, make them feel apart of the family, and never treat them differently, yet this is how we feel and are treated? Everyone has some sort of shitty up bringing. Poor to Rich, vice versa. My life wasn’t any greater, or less than the next person.

So, I am bitter. I am not a scrooge, or anything like that. Just the holidays are supposed to be about family, and coming together. How can I feel joy in it, when I don’t feel like I have a family anymore?

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2 thoughts on “Not Looking Forward To The Holidays

  1. I feel this. I, also, feel a… separate-ness… from my family. A feeling of being on the outside, looking in; of not belonging.

    For years, I have just allowed myself to be separate, just me and my significant other, and our cat. Lately, I have decided that I won’t let blood dictate my family, and have put more effort into getting closer to my friends. If my blood family is apathetic toward me, then I will create a new family, one full of all of the love and joy and togetherness that I long for.

    Peace & Joy to you and yours.

    Be well.

    Amanda

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