How many times do we read or hear of people in long term D/s relationships saying that “there’s no D/s anymore” “He doesn’t Dominate me anymore” “she doesn’t submit as readily as she used to” “life gets in the way” etc etc….
But is it really that the D/s disappears or is there some other factor at work?
In the beginning, it is all very new, very exciting and really addictive to suddenly find “The right One”.
You start off with small interactions, just like in any other relationship, slowly getting to know the other person, going out, staying home, all that “new relationship” activity.
If this turns out to be a 24/7 D/s relationship, eventually the decision is made to cohabit, to live together, which in itself can be full of minor speed bumps as two people learn to live under the same roof.
So add to that, the dynamic of D/s with one person in control and one being controlled, and it makes for exciting moments.
And as the two people settle into this relationship, expectations of submission and Domination are sorted out and discussed, and life becomes wonderful.
The Dominant is happy, He finally has a submissive to take care of His needs, to fetch His tea, His slippers, go out for Pizza late at night and any other thing His heart desires. In return He is Dominant, He controls the sub, He gives orders, He is responsible for her wellbeing, her health and happiness, and He revels in this role, He plays with her regularly, they go out to parties and events and become known as a committed D/s couple.
The submissive loves this life, it’s what she needs, wants and has desired, perhaps for many years. She tries hard to learn the lessons He teaches her, she stumbles at times, but listens and resolves to do better, she accepts any punishments given, knowing that it is part of the dynamic of this relationship, and actually she loves it.. not the actual act of punishment but the fact that there are consequences and that she is learning….
Life goes on, they are committed to each other, perhaps even having a collaring ceremony, and become like any other couple – except for the underlying current of D/s.
And then one day – it might be a feeling, or a niggle that has been worming its way into the back of her mind for a while now – one day she wonders why there isn’t any D/s any more, why are they just like any married couple, why isn’t He on her back all the time for doing this or that.. there are no more constant reminders, no more punishments, not nearly as many deep and meaningful conversations on all the facets of D/s, and worst of all, very few play sessions or D/s moments.
From my knowledge and my interaction with other submissives in 24/7 long term D/s relationships, this seems to be a common thread amongst many of us.
I do not believe that it really disappears, i think that we get used to the way of life, and so everything we do which was once so new and exciting, becomes normal for us….But if we think for a moment about our every day life, there are certain things that show the D/s dynamic every day.
For example, i always walk behind Master unless He tells me otherwise, i always serve His drinks and meals before my own, i do not start to eat until He has taken a mouthful, i ask permission to go to the toilet, i call Him Master or Sir, never by His name (and in fact i find it almost impossible to address Him as anything but Master or Sir).
The other thing i do every single day, which is surely a D/s activity, is to write a journal for Master.. sure i might write a diary in the vanilla world but this is written for someone else, not for me (though i love writing it and would be lost if i could not do it for some reason)
These actions are not things i consciously think about doing, it all comes naturally, it is ingrained into my mind and it just happens.
These are just a few instances, though there would be many more if i really gave it some thought.
I also think that circumstances can play a big part in the seemingly disappearance of the D/s…… health problems, families, and work can all interfere with our lives, because they are needs which have to be dealt with, and they sometimes have to take precedence over things we may want to have.
So are there ways to “keep the D/s alive” when it seems as if it is no longer there?
Recently Master and i were discussing this subject with a Mistress friend, and She said that in Her opinion it is about “layers” – that each layer of life is different and sometimes we need to add layers or take them away depending on the situation at the time.
I thought this was a good analogy to use in my article and my thanks to go Mistress Velvet for
Her contribution to my thought processes.
So we have layers in our lives, and when it feels as if the D/s is disappearing, then it is time to add another layer, perhaps a layer of Higher Protocol for a day, or a play session, or a D/s social event such as a gathering or party, or perhaps introduce a daily ritual or task – such as a journal.
i serve the first cup of tea on my knees every morning, and if we are staying at home, i bring a day collar to wear which Master puts around my neck.
I kneel at bedtime and say a mantra, then kiss His feet and He will remove the collar and tuck me into bed… These things are small reminders that the D/s is definitely there between us…
Setting aside a regular time for D/s interaction between you is a great idea and sometimes that is all we need to remind us of the dynamic that is the undercurrent of the relationship. Master and i have one afternoon a week for this, it may not necessarily be a play session, but it will be D/s – it will be me remembering my place and serving Him, perhaps a High Protocol tea serve, or a discussion about my submission, or a task He has set me – it could even be something as simple as me sitting naked at His feet while we watch tv..
During this particular time each week, the phones are turned off and we do not answer the door, the mental aspect of D/s is important and we’ve been interrupted in the past, which can destroy my head space and leave me feeling angry and frustrated, and Master then has to deal with His own feelings as well as one “sooky” sub who lost the head space she craves so much!
Because we work from home, it is sometimes hard to turn off work mode, and so this time together is vital for our D/s wellbeing. It reinforces in our minds that Master is “the Master” and i am “the submissive”.
In closing then, i would urge every submissive who bemoans the fact that “the D/s has disappeared” to take a very close look at the every day actions in his or her life, and there maybe some surprising revelations that come to light.
© Kim Debron 2008