Is This My Journal?

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“The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact, superior to the needs of the submissive. Rather, they share equal importance.” – Kacie Cunningham

I am often behind on my blog. Which I suppose isn’t a big deal. I write for myself, it is like a journal or diary. Considering I add my writing to three different places, it shows my determination. I have one blog on Tumblr. Mainly because here I can just reblog images, and other things easily that inspire me. occasionally I will find things on there, that makes me want to write more. WordPress of course is strictly for my writing. I include a picture for each entry, but it is mostly text-based. I also add to Fetlife. In my writing sections.

My Master reads my blog, well only one of them. I have thousands of fans, and I do get letters from them. However I will admit, I do not write for my fans. I write for myself. Sometimes with things I write, I lose fans. apparently my opinions, and beliefs do not make them want to be a friend. Which I can just shrug and say whatever. We are all different, and we aren’t all going to believe what everyone else does. Might as well accept that and move on.

I started my blog six years ago. I used blogspot for the first three, and then got turned onto Tumblr, and WordPress, and moved my writing there. This was solely on my own, I write for myself, and though my Master chooses to read it, he has never demanded it of me. In the past I caught myself censoring. I didn’t want my Master to read things that would upset him, or make him feel he has let me down, because of how I felt.

I have changed. Writing is my coping, it helps with my hurt, and anger, and allows me a way to express myself, so I stopped censoring. My Master knows, that I will write honestly, and though I will never call him names, or anything like that, I will speak about truth, and fact. Somethings however are not meant for the world, and are only shared privately between us.

I am a very independent person, and my Master supports me. He encourages me to do things that I enjoy, and when I got hurt at work, he holds me and tells me it will be okay. Now, believe it or not I am an AGORAPHOBIC! Meaning, I suffer from severe anxiety when I am outside my house, or around strangers, and crowds, etc. Going to work everyday was extremely stressful. I would have panic attacks when I drive, before I drive, etc etc etc.

So I do depend on my Master a little. For instance if we need to go pick up dinner….NOPE..Deka Checks out…and you hear me begging..PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE my Master….I dont wanna go, can you go get it!!! Most often my Master does, and I can take a breath and breathe easier. Sometimes he makes me. *SCREAMS*. Regardless we are there for each other, like any normal couple. We are independent, and co-dependent depending on the situation. I do not see it as good or bad. Being far too independent can be harmful, just as being far too dependent.

I do my best to please my Master, but it is often hard. We cannot be whom we are 24 hours a day, even though we want to. So, I can write. I write about things I need, hope for, or things that are hurting me emotionally. Master reads it, and then we discuss it, because it is hard for me to verbally express myself. Especially when I feel like it is my fault, or I fail him, or I fear it will hurt him!!!

So, I write. I do not consider myself a great writer. I write poorly, bad grammar, etc. This is me…You get to partake in a small piece of my world. One I do not share with many. I enjoy my fans, and I like reading their comments, and getting to know them. So I will continue to write, even if it takes me a week to post something. I enjoy it, immensely.

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2 thoughts on “Is This My Journal?

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