So Lost

lost_letters

I have been plagued with this for some time. I am not even sure I should be, or maybe I just sit here and worry too much. I don’t feel like my master and I are connecting on all levels. He is my world, that is the easiest way to explain it. There really are no words to express what he means to me. Lately though, it has been difficult for me. I don’t feel like his priority. Part of me doesn’t feel as if I am wanted anymore. I sort of feel as though I am just a burden. I struggle through my pain, and it is actual physical pain, to be a good girl, pleasing, submissive. Where am I going wrong?

Master talks to others about his issues, before he even discusses them with me. This bothers me, and I am not even sure if it should. I tell him, even when I do not want to. Because he is that person for me. He is MY person…the one I go to, to be safe, happy, and help guide me through my issues. I don’t understand why he doesn’t lean on me? It is my duty to be there, to care for him, help him where he needs it. He is my partner, and I am his. I admit I am not perfect. I struggle. I struggle too much it seems.

Anyways, a while back I was struggling. Being in control of daily decisions doesn’t make someone feel submissive. It is hard to transition sometimes at the end of the day. Even for my Master, we had a conversation. He said sometimes he doesn’t see the submission. Like it is clear as day if a submissive kneel before the dominant. I cannot do this. I physically cannot kneel. When I do, I cannot even walk the next day. This is hard for me to write without crying. Nothing I do I guess really shows my submissive nature?

I am hurt by the words he said, about kneeling, and other things. To me it made me feel that if I cannot kneel, then he can’t see me as a submissive? Maybe I am taking it wrong, but I don’t know. I am very discouraged right now. I am hurt, and I just feel like giving up. I know he loves me, more than just D/s relationship, but we need the D/s. How can I fulfill it for him, if he doesn’t see it? I am sinking. Drowning in quicksand.

I just don’t know what else to do. I do whatever he asks of me. With a smile on my face, because I love him, and I need to serve him, and I want to please him. I do my best when I can to take care of normal to day chores for him. I make sure he is fed, and bathed, clean clothes. I do my writing as he wishes, and I just…

I am lost, and cant find my way back home!

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