Self Growth

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I have said this many times in my writing, how long I have been in the lifestyle. I am thirty two now, and my eyes opened when I was nineteen. I left the Allegory cave. It was a struggle. A huge battle of how I was raised, how the world wants us to be, and how my heart wanted me to be. I used to fight my submission, because society didn’t view it as acceptable, or the fact my mother would say I don’t need anyone to control me and to never let it happen. Over the years it became easier. I slowly began to accept who I am.

I am more open minded and accepting of people, not entirely trust worthy of people, but I accept them for who they are, and I do not judge them. I am much more open into exploring my sexual side, and most often I am not scared anymore to hold someone accountable, or tell them No. I do not like this. Before I entered this life style, I was against same sex. HUGELY against it. I used to find it disgusting. Now I am owned by a man, but in societies eyes, it is a woman transitioning to a male body. I was happy with her being a woman, just as much as I am with her desires to be a man. I also identify more as a pan-sexual. I do not see gender anymore.

Now I am all about D/s. I tried to shop for a necklace for my daughter for her birthday and all I see is day collars. I am very aware of people looking at me, and sometimes their gazes make me feel more submissive. As if they are appraising my worth as a submissive. I am more agreeable now, and eager to please in any way. I hardly ever have to use my safe word, but don’t fear. I use it if I truly need it. I am still learning, and I am finding out more and more about myself each and every day. I am eager to learn, I am eager to express my nature. Sometimes it becomes very difficult though when I cannot.

I am very self conscious of my body, due to abuse growing up and abuse in past relationships. In fact just this past year I have taken more photos of myself then I have in my entire life. Granted they are for my master;’s eyes only. He shared one of me once, and I was mortified. It is about consent to me. I consented to him having pictures of me, but him. No one else. If I add one to a blog, or my fetlife, that is my consent. People may view it. So my master and I actually had a long discussion about consent one time. Early on in our relationship. He promised to never do it again without asking me. So now he takes pictures of me whenever he desires. We have never had an issue on consent again. It is nice to have trust building skills.

When we go to events, I try to shy from the camera. Many reasons why, but I do not like others having control over my image. It can not only be used anywhere, and anyway they want to, but this is real life. What I do in my life is my business. What if I one day wanted to run for public office, but I magically made a video of a gang bang. It would be impossible really, the scandals and such. So those things, are fun, but are for me, and my master. No one else! Though sometimes this isn’t always the case.

There are some things my master expresses his pleasure in. For instance the first orgasm he gave me. I came hard and was wearing black panties. He wanted me to share them online. I did of course. It is just a picture of my panties with my cum in it. It was harmless to me, but erotic at the same time. I do things to please him, and that in turn makes me feel so much more at peace. So if my master ever told me to crawl over and serve another master in front of him. I would. He has by the way done this with Daddy. Telling me to suck his cock and let him fuck me like a good little whore. At first it was awkward. From past abuse. My master is very patient. I have been trained by other dominants in the past. One is still a very close friend. I am unsure if I would submit to training out of my own mind right now to a new dominant, because I am to be trained by my master to his pleasures, but if he ever said. Deka…you will be trained by this dom here, well of course I’d do it with no argument, though I would be a little cautious and ensure it was safe to do so.

I trust my master.

I know deep down he will keep me safe and never submit me to something that will truly harm me.

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