There are moments when I spin into Chaos. I get bratty, or I have a panic attack. I have noticed if my Master holds me down during these times, or ties my arms and wrists up, I calm down. There was a time as well when I was severely abused with a cane. Every time I saw one I got lost in a panic attack. My Master helped me work through it. He got a cane. He would tie me down, and we would use the cane. Lightly at first, so I knew I was safe, and then we would test it for pain, 1-10. When my Master saw I needed a break, he stopped immediately. It has helped me out a great deal.
Most don’t realize im struggling though, I have a perfect smile and I have a brave bravado to not let people see the real me. Though there are times I wonder. I am submissive, I enjoy being submissive, feminine, pretty, etc. I do not wear a collar in public. Not one that can be identified as such. My day collar is currently out of commission, since the chain broke. So, I have nothing that really identifies me as my Master’s little slut.
I can however say that when I am out shopping, or ordering dinner at a diner, or anywhere else, sometimes I catch a stranger’s gaze and I feel like they see me, the real me, sweaty, on my knees, begging and pleading to serve. Even if I am out shopping for every day clothes, and jewelry. I wanted to by some fashion necklaces for work, but each time I picked one up, I blushed, and set it down, because to me, it is a collar, a symbol of my submission. Oh how my Master loves to see me blush, because he knows when I touch anything that goes around my neck, what it reminds me of.
It is hard to really step out of it, once I am in that mind-set, and having to do so, makes me so empty, drained, and depressed. In my past I admit that no symbol of submission ever stopped me from being a bratty girl, and that despite how I am now, as opposed to then, I can openly admit I used to top from the bottom. When I didn’t think something was fair, I would pitch a fit, until I got my way, or do something else that left me in control completely of the situation. I have been doing my best to learn more, be more open, and really accepting of who I am. I am also learning when to say No, and to use my safe word should I need it. This has helped me grow a lot, and to stop topping. I am sure I falter every now and then, but I do feel my Master is swift in discipline when or if I ever do it.