Connection, Bonding, Do Overs?


I am unsure in life where some things went wrong, where others blossomed, and how I really wound up here. All my life I have felt out of place, or I didnt belong. Even now sometimes I still feel this way. I would have preferred the white picket fence, the golden retriever, a happy family life, but I don’t think I would be the same as I am now, if my family life growing up would have been different. I think if I could go back in time, the only thing I would have done differently was wait more, before trying to find the D/s partner in my life. Possibly educate myself more, and have a bit more patience. I think then I would have so much heartache.

It does make it easier for me to learn when it is more hands on however. So I dont know how that would have worked, if I would have waited to find someone to play with. Truth is I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I tend to fall in love a tiny bit with each decent Dominant. Each one that isn’t a tool teaches me a little more. Of course they do not compare to my Master however. I may be told to serve other Doms, in any form, online, in person, and I believe that in serving them, I serve my own Master far more. Perhaps that is why a piece of me loves them?

It becomes lonely however. I don’t trust anyone really, and it is so hard for me to put trust into my Master, especially when he breaks my trust sometimes. I am a FIRM believer in keeping your word, promises, no matter what. To be honest at ALL times, even if it costs you, your happiness. I am a very honorable person. I was raised this way, and I am glad I was. I am not perfect, sometimes I fuck up like anyone else, but I do try. I am unsure what I am truly good at in this world, but if it is one thing, it is doing my best to be a better person. I may falter today, but I strive for a better tomorrow.

Though this is hard sometimes. Some people will hurt you on purpose. Some will do it without realizing it, so it is hard for me to connect with people. I tend to have a wall. I don’t really have any friends I see face to face that are in the lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I have online friends, a few of them that I love to keep in contact with, and though I hope to one day meet them, it gets lonely being in a house where your lifestyle isnt accepted, so you have to keep it under the covers, and not be open about it.

My Master is a female trans to male. At least most days he is, so my family doesnt approve. They know I am in the lifestyle, that I go to local dungeons and such, but they do NOT approve, and have made it very clear. To me, it makes me feel even more that I do not belong. So I just take it one day at a time. Trying to keep myself grounded, but on days like today. A bad day at work, my Master and I at odds.

Today is the day, that I really have to grasp at anything, because days like today make me want to give up! I hate that feeling. So I will try to hold on for one more day, and see if it might be sunnier!


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