There are ways for me to be submissive when I am not in the position to serve. Though I feel I am always serving. This isn’t some weekend hobby for me, I live this lifestyle twenty four seven. There are things I do, having my Master telling me how to dress. Knowing I do certain things in life that would please him. Chores that benefit him. Getting my nails done, or wearing makeup. Even down to my day collar, or ring that he gave me. I try to live my life in a manner that is a positive reflection on him.
There were times before I even knew about this lifestyle that I was submissive. At the time I had no idea I was, but looking back, I can see it. My boyfriends never even had to ask, they just lifted their empty glass, and I would stop everything I was doing to refill it without question. I was even mocked once, as a teen. The infamous top ramen meal, that most of us know of, was at the time one of the boys I dated, favorite things to eat. So he asked me to make some. Specific instructions, on how many cups of water to use, etc.
I remember him laughing at me when I did it, and after it boiled and cooked, he drained all the water out and said I was silly to measure out the water, since he was pouring it out anyways. Now I find that domineering, but back then I followed instructions because somewhere inside of me I wanted to please him.
I should have spit in his food, for him being such an ass!!!
One of the hardest lessons as a submissive I have ever had to learn, is how to say No! You never want to tell a Dom no. It makes you feel less submissive. It makes you feel like you’re topping, and it disappoints them, but I have had to put my foot down several times. I have lost collars because in some aspects of my life I refuse to allow to be controlled. I know what I want, what I need, and it has taken me a long time to learn these things. I am no longer afraid to say this, and to hold my dom accountable for things that violate or aren’t fulfilling these needs.
I have had intensive online training, in regards to the lifestyle. I’ve had a few doms in the past that did some real life stuff with me, but never to the extent of my current Master. I realize now that all of my online training only educated me mentally. It did nothing to prepare me for the real life submissive I need to be. So it has been tough. So I still talk to some of my old mentors, on occasion, but the only one I need now is my current Master. I am HIS girl, and as such, how I am shaped and molded to be a better submissive, is to be so in HIS eyes!!!
I know there is no fixing. No one can fix me, but me. My Master can’t either. He can only guide me. I can say it makes me smile to know he is there when I need his support. I have changed and grown so much these past six months. I hope for the better!!!