I had been struggling lately with my submission. We all know during the day, I run the show. I take care of decisions when it comes to my family, and things around the house, bills, children, chores, meals. It becomes so tiring and exhausting. Being in this mind set is complicating. Add in my past, in-securities, and lack of trust, it makes it so hard to just be obedient. To just give the control away.
“I actively taught myself not to trust people.” – Emily Thorne
Which is the truth, that line from Revenge, is truly me. One night my Mistress and I were arguing. I am a very private person when it comes to dirty laundry in a relationship. I am trying to work on that. Blogging helps. Growing up, my parents used to fight a lot. My father was very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically. Everyone in our town knew our names, new our business.
So one day, Mistress got me something she loved, but I wasn’t to thrilled for. It wasn’t my taste. So I voiced that opinion, because I finally as a person know what I like, what I don’t, and what I want and don’t want. I do know now, that I should have worded things differently but it caused an argument.
Mistress got her feelings hurt, I felt like an ass, but then Mistress talked about it with someone else, and that hurt me, because I am such a private person, I don’t want her to talk to anyone about OUR issues.
I Over Reacted!
I had been feeling for weeks prior that all I do is fail my Mistress. So this was the last straw for me. We watched the Story of O movie, The secretary, and such, it made me realize I wasn’t truly being very pleasing. I understand why. My lack of trust in things, my fear of being hurt, and abused. It shifted, when we went to the Dungeon, Mistress had to push my limits, but it helped. I don’t make any excuses for my past behavior. There isn’t an excuse. I can explain why it happens, but I wont use it as an excuse, ever!
I decided to change!
The next day I woke up, did my morning duties, and put on a smile. I put my best foot forward, and told myself, today we start again. I have been more pleasing, I hope at least and I have been much more obedient, and agreeable with my Mistress. I haven’t questioned her commands of me. For the past seven days, she has given me commands, and I have obeyed.
Terrifying as it is for me!
I am proud of myself. I am giving in more. Letting go more easily, even if it is very hard for me. I know it is just baby steps for now, one day at a time, but I am so happy to start letting more of the control slip from my grasps!