So after doing some research, I have come to understand myself a little bit better. You see I can have multiple orgasms. Many little ones until I reach the gigantic enormous one. The little ones are intense but nothing compared to the one that finishes me off. I found it odd, because my body would shake so much that I hate it.
I don’t mean oh, leg shakes from orgasm either!!!
When I say I shake, I mean my legs spasm, but body shakes, and sometimes it is to the point that I need to be held down. I cannot control this. Once I reach this point of orgasm, my body lets go of all of my worries and stresses. That frustration I keep a hold on, just vanishes and so my body for a little while is out of control. It is almost like it cannot handle being this light, and free. I am so wound up that once it happens, it is like releasing a rubber band that has been pulled to the max length.
That to me is normal, and fine, but I never understood was the crying. Crying so hard that it was silly. I don’t know why I cry after sex, and even after researching this, and seeing thousands of others go through it too, I still do not understand it. During my research I have found that you can cry after sex because it felt so amazing, your body doesn’t know how to express it. You could have been stressed out and now you are totally relaxed, or of course the main reason I believe. You are so spent up due to past trauma, that for a moment in time you are vulnerable.
To me I hate this. I don’t like my body being out of control. some might say that’s not a submissive trait However it is just something I am not comfortable with. Mainly because I am in control of everything, everyday in my vanilla life. So it is hard to let go and just enjoy sometimes. I also don’t like feeling vulnerable. It makes me a little cautious really, because when you are vulnerable, you open yourself up to be hurt.
Which I don’t want to be hurt again! No one does!
I am not afraid of my Mistress. I trust her completely, so it is something I just have to work through. She likes it when I am embarrassed and this after sex cry fest certainly does embarrass me. I know deep down I have to accept it, and I am certain once it keep experiencing it more, that I will come to terms with it. Letting go of my feelings about it, and just enjoying it. Not feeling shamed for it, but rather beautiful to let her see this side of me.
Which is good, if I can reach the point of letting go, the benefits out weight the negative. I am more free, less inhibited, more trusting, and less stressed. I know one day we will have break through. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. Simply because we know how much of a slut I love being for my Mistress!!!