Trauma sucks and I don’t prefer to talk about it usually. Yet, talking about it is pretty much the only way of getting through it, processing it, getting over it. Unless you face that trauma, that fear, and do it again in order to work through it, and realize you can do this. Sometimes you need assistance of others to do this, and that requires trust. I don’t remember if I have written about my scars. I know they are there, even though my Mistress says you can barely see anymore.
But I Know They Are There!!!
I received them during a punishment. A punishment that turned into abuse. You see when I was raped as a teenager, it was anal rape. It was brutal, it hurt, and left me terrified to even attempt anal sex. A previous man that was at the time my dominant, though now, just an abuser, preferred anal sex. Knowing my situation, he wanted me to work through this fear, by putting myself into a similar situation, knowing I was safe. At the time I didn’t think this was a bad idea.
He Was My Master, After All!!! Right?? I Should Trust Him???
So, we arranged for this to happen. Instead of a bunch of men like it was when I was raped, it was him, and my husband. Everything was going fine. I wasn’t triggering, and they weren’t hurting me. Then my dominant at the time, asked me a question, right at the same time my husband spoke….I responded:
Yes, my Master!!!
Then he got mad, left the scene, and left! My husband and I stopped, and then a few days later, got a phone call from my dominant. He was mad that I called someone else master. He was upset that I would do that in front of him, and to my husband. I was confused, but I was informed, that I would be punished. He refused to hear my side, that is was a huge misunderstanding. I didn’t call my husband master.
I Was Answering HIS Question!!!
So it fell back to my rules then. Master is ALWAYS right? I disagree. Now more than ever! So he tied me down for my punishment. I was to be reminded of whom I belonged too.
300 times, was I reminded. On my inner thighs, and even my vagina.
It was more than 300. I know this because I was required to count, and if I missed a number, he would start all over again. I couldn’t handle it. I was being CANED more than three hundred times, and he was NOTkind with it. I am not a huge pain slut.. I like some pain, but it cannot be intense.
I called my safe word!!!
That didn’t matter though. He laughed, safe words aren’t for punishments! By the time it was over, I black out. I was covered in bruises, I was bleeding, and I was sent to the hospital. I had a few fractures. I was lucky nothing was broken. It left me with scars on my thighs, and my vagina, and scars on my heart, and in my mind!
For three years I NEVER let anyone tie me down again. Not even my husband. It was the hardest thing to do, buying rope. Buying rope so my Mistress can tie me up, and help me work through this. It was even much harder to let her tie my hands together, even though she left it in a way that I could untie it, if I needed too.
She tied my hands up, and then held me when I triggered and had a panic attack. We worked through it, and though I am still slightly scared, I know it will take more than one time to be like…
YAY, TIE ME UP PLEASE
My Mistress eased most of my fears. I know this is a grateful challenge. It generally should be something beautiful and happy. I find that this to me even though it was something terrible that happened to me, it can be turned into something beautiful?
I learned a hard lesson the day I was hurt, but I learned something new when my Mistress tied me up.
I learned deep down I truly trust my Mistress!!!
Having that feeling, that knowledge, is what is beautiful. To come out of that scene with her, being wrapped in her arms, told I am a good girl, and I wasn’t hurt, that I was in fact SAFE was the best thing so far.