So Mistress and I talked about my past trauma. She hasn’t ever endured what I have, and so she doesn’t quite understand certain things when I trigger and what not. I cried during most of it. It is hard to talk about things in my life that have affected me emotionally, and mentally. Sometimes I see people that behave a certain way. Throwing tantrums, or what not, and I want to just shake them and say get over it. How can I do that though? That would be like someone shaking me and telling me to get over it as well!
Suffering from severe social anxiety, because of people in my life that have done me wrong, makes me not trust anyone, so why bother getting to know someone, or getting close? I get so stressed now when I am forced into a crowd, or having to meet someone new for the first time. Or not being able to go anywhere alone? Having panic attacks, and hyperventilating when I have to drive a few blocks, or I am standing alone in the line at the store, and I have to confront the retailer. It sounds stupid. Even when I talk about it out loud, I feel humiliated, because these are things that should come simple to my life. I struggle with these issues everyday.
Though it is good to cry, even over past pain. Sometimes I cry when I am happy. I am a very sentimental person, and I cry over things like this, and I cry over very romantic things. It seems silly but my Mistress and I play a pet city game, and you have dailies to do, and so while she is at work, I take care of her pet, and sometimes I cry about it, because it makes me feel really submissive to do this one little silly task, because I want to be there every day to take care of her. To do things for her, like help her clean, do her laundry, cook for her, give her massages. I know August is coming fast, and we will move in together, but I still ache to do these things for her.
I don’t have many areas in my life that my Mistress doesn’t control. Though she never tells me what to eat, or wear, or anything. She doesn’t even tell me how to spend my money, but I did ask her to help me to budget more. I suck at budgeting. I think anyways. My bills get paid, on time, but I never have any money left over. Then again Daddy spends like 300 a month on food for him to have at work. NORMALpeople take a simple lunch with them, but not Daddy! He takes like TONS of food with him, and I don’t even know why. I am sure if there was something Mistress wanted control over, that I wasn’t comfortable with her having control over, we could discuss it.
There are things I like now that I never thought I would. Like having a female Dominant. I used to hate the idea. I would basically in my mind throw a tantrum. I was so brainwashed that only men can be Dominants. That women are submissive. I still have trouble seeing women as Dominant, but not my Mistress. I see things now and I get excited. Like, thrones for my Mistress to have at home, or pretty clothes I think she would look good in. Heels, and corsets, and even sex toys and stuff. I thought I would be weirded out being with a woman, or even licking her pussy. Turns out I love it, and I feel I am rather good at it.
So, I say if you are interested in it, get out there and try it. If others think you are weird, WHO CARES? Just DO YOU the best way you know how to. Screw society, and screw their standards!!