Feeling Safe, and Dealing with Pain

No one in this life; as much as they wish they could be; are perfect! I myself have been striving for perfection in almost everything I do, and I become highly disappointed when things do not turn out how I wanted them too. I have many areas in my life that I would love to grow more in.

Accepting myself for who I am, and how I look is one of them. I have been body shamed since I was fourteen, but belittled and verbally abused since I was a child. So these things that have been drilled into my mind about who I am, and what I look like, and how I should strive to be nothing more than a skeleton in a science class are what run through my mind on a daily basis.

When I consider eating something. I don’t think about wanting it, or liking it, or calorie count. I think about what it will do to me. Will it help me become this size 0 model? Will it just add more to me hips? I hate it. Late at night when I am alone is when it hits me the most. I sometimes wish I had a mute button to shut off this negative thinking. I know it will never go away, and even though my Mistress has me stand in front of mirror, repeating I am Beautiful, and other things as well, it will never be undone. I just have to persevere. Once the damage is done, it is done.

There is no fixing it, no reprogramming, it is there forever!

So I have been conditioned into thinking that what these people have said, is truth. However I am trying to reverse this thinking. I am understanding more now that this is abuse. That I do not have to be around this type of abuse. I can still love the people for who they are, but I do not have to subject myself to this kind of abuse. It might not be physical, where you can see actual scars, but it is abuse regardless. I think we as humans do need toughen up and wipe some of the crap people say about us off our shoulders, but when it is day in and day out, year after year, it becomes difficult.

I am not one that can easily express when I am feeling hurt. I internalize it all until one day I cannot take it anymore, and I explode. I have slowly started learning to hold people accountable for their actions. If they say something that is cruel to me, I call them out on it now right there on the spot. When it is someone I love and care for deeply it far more difficult. No one wants to tell someone they love that they aren’t happy, and have been hurt by them. I don’t like to hear that I have hurt someone, it hurts me to know that I have, so I can understand how they might feel if I bring it up. I would go forever without saying something, and just suffer.

Now I don’t.

Now I have adult conversations and explain where I come from. Granted I don’t do this all the time. My Mistress can bare witness to this. I am learning still, and trying really hard. A lot of the times if I don’t feel safe, I will definitely keep it in. I have been through a traumatic experiences in my life. NO THIS ISN’T A PISSING CONTEST Some of these have triggered things, like my anxiety, PTSD, and Agoraphobia.

When I go places alone, and yes I am able to muster up the courage to drive places alone, but this doesn’t go without a severe panic attack a few days prior, the day of, and possibly after I get home. Most of the time I only feel safe when my Mistress and Daddy are with me. Actually that is all of the time. Without them I do not feel safe at all! Which is odd, since I am skilled in martial arts. I know how to defend myself with and without weapons.

Yet I do not feel safe

So most of the time I am here, online, blogging, writing, talking to people with similar things that I survive with. My writing has been the biggest help for me. Along with my readers and their feedback, and becoming my online friends, and support system, and of course…

My Mistress and Daddy!!!


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