I hate being sick. Not because I get sick, but mainly because I fall behind on so many things. Like my writing. Which as many who have talked to me, and gotten to know me over the years. I cannot stand falling behind, because then I get myself into a rut. A rut of NOT writing!!! Which is something I do not want to happen. I never want to do that again!
Which isn’t the only thing I never want to do again. There are many things I could say here. About not getting hurt again, or stop procrastinating , but the truth is. I will never allow myself to be put into a situation where someone will abuse me anymore. I can care for people, but if I feel abused by them, I will shut them out of my life. It is a hard step for me. I am still trying to get used to doing this, and it tends to be very lonely anymore.
I have stopped associating with people who have used me. People who belittle me. People who only come around when they want something, and to be honest. The moment someone verbally abuses me, they are gone in an instant. Two of these people happened to be in my actual family. I Love them. I always will, but I don’t have to subject myself to their verbal abuse! No one has to subject themselves to this, and I do have a child to think about first. I do not want them to be abused by my family.
It really isn’t easy for me to let go of these people either. I tend to see the good in everyone, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I do not trust easily. Once my trust is broken, I usually NEVER give you that trust again. It is just who I am. So letting go of people like this is difficult. Especially when it comes to family. I love them so much, and so it is hard to stand up and say I will not allow this to happen. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is THEIR choice to not be in my life. Ultimately it is, because they are choosing to treat me this way, and I am choosing to not allow it!
Thankfully my Mistress has NEVER done this. She has been supportive with my desires in this, even if she doesn’t always agree. Which is wonderful. That we can disagree on something like this, but she doesn’t force me to forgive them, and keep them in my life. She does enforce some things however. For instance, my writing. I am required to write about a prompt, or something pertaining to my submission, ONCE a week, or more. I have to wear my hair in a braid.
WHICH….I do not always do!
runs and hides
I have other things as well. That come into my daily routine, which I just realized I haven’t done in two weeks.
I should prepare my rear for a spanking!
hides Mistress’ paddle
I cannot kneel because of my knee injury, but I try. Even if its just for a few minutes. I am required to sit on a cushion, on the floor while Daddy is home from work for thirty minutes. Then I am to reflect on my submission. Which I haven’t done in two weeks. Mistress sometimes wont let me look at her as well, and we are still fairly new to each other, so I am sure other things will come about. Like not sitting on furniture, or Mistress helping me to manage my finances better when I need it.
I am appreciative of her supporting me, and guiding me. My main goal besides getting a new apartment, is to get the courage to toss my anxiety out the window and get back to my photography business. It is hard when you have to interact with people, but you are terrified too! Mistress is helping me with this as well. I feel safe with her!
I LOVE YOU MY MISTRESS!!!