I know I have many prompts I can choose from to write today, but oddly I feel like just writing anything. A reflection, I suppose. If thats the best way to look at it. I get really frustrated with people who beat around the bush. I am not very well at getting a hint when it comes to this. For me just tell me what you want and I will see what I can do.
This happened yesterday with an old submissive of my Mistresses. I was first put off because I had known them for a bit before I even met my Mistress, but I had removed them from skype because we just never talked, and really I only like to have people I talk to on an every day basis on my friends list there. So after I submitted my Mistress and I found out we know several people and such, and he was one of them.
What first put me off, was that he readded me. It took me a moment to remember who he was, but when I did I knew instantly. He asked how he knew me, and then I informed him how we met etc, but after this, he said…Aren’t you so and so’s submissive? That put me off right away. HE KNEW who I was….SO why ask??? To me this is shady! I have other ideas behind this as well. How did he get my name again? How did he know that my screen name, was in fact my Mistresses submissive?????
What put me off further, is that he was telling me he is still submissive. Okay no biggy, thats a good thing. If you are submissive, and know you are, more power to you. What I didnt like was…him saying..How should I handle this situation? Ummmm WHAT situation??? He later informs me…..The situation where I am still submissive and want to be your Mistresses submissive?? SOOOOO what youre really doing here is trying to judge my answers, and reactions to see if I would be alright with you being her submissive again, but doing it in the way where I take a hint??
It irritated me. Of course I told my Mistress, and she tried to tell me to look at it from his point of view, etc etc etc. We have boundaries, rules for our D/s relationship, and I trust my Mistress, its NOT trust issue even though I can deeply and honestly admit that I suffer from trust issues, and insecurities. Everyone does!! I do feel bad for this man, I know what it felt like when I was searching for *the one* Dominant that was my counter part. Many times I thought I found this.
As much as I feel for this man, being lonely, empty, I am sorry. I am going to be selfish. At least that is how others feel it is, but to me, why is worrying about my feelings, my needs, my emotional state selfish? My Mistress knows that if I dont fulfill her needs, she can simply talk to me about it, and Id gladly end things. It would hurt, it would break my heart, but I am not going to hold someone down, or over me, that isnt happy, but in reality, I NEVER have fought for ANY relationship. I have never felt that feeling in my belly to fight. Until Now!!!
So it made me sit down and think. When my Mistress talked to me about this man, it was sort of a revelation. He cannot fulfill her needs, because he isnt here. I live an hour from her, and sure thats far enough away, and its agonizing most nights, but I do get to see her. We are making this work. Though it opened my eyes some. There is a Dominant man out there that is the same way for me. Like this male submissive to my Mistress, the ONLY reason our needs didnt match up completely is because he is not here. I cannot physically see and touch him.
I know deep down I have hurt him. I know deep down he truly loves and cares for me, and misses the chances he gets to Dominate me. Truth is, part of me misses him as well. I know deep down part of my Mistress, misses dominating this male submissive. So I can completely relate, but in the end. Despite everything lining up perfectly that ONE aspect is, they arent here!
I have sat for a while since this happened. I wondered then who else have I hurt by ending things on an online basis, simply because my one need isnt met? I realized I have hurt a lot of people. Most of the time the Dom’s I have been with on an online basis, aren’t really werent what I needed. I can admit that openly. Though I have met a few of them that were exactly what I needed. The only thing is that ONE need…..I NEED to touch you, to kiss you, to hold your hand, kneel before you, that NEED to have you, and NOT behind a webcam!!!
I know it sounds rather silly, but sometimes that need is SO strong it truly hurts. Like I really am missing a part of my soul. So I had to end things. Not because they failed me, not because they couldnt give me what I needed, or I give them what they needed, but because in reality, I needed More! In a selfish, and careless way I need to be held, and to really feel you! This breaks my heart!
How long have I been finding excuses? Instead of truly justifying my needs in the right way? How many times have I heard a Dominant tell me, dont go? I had to. I am sorry. Though I know sorry doesnt cut it, sorry is just a word, but really I am truly sorry if I had ever hurt anyone. A few I truly know I hurt, because I have heard it. In the way you spoke to me, or the fact you no longer speak to me.
I know truly how this male submissive feels. I know it must hurt my Mistress to the deep center of her soul that he is hurting and loves her, but she had to tell him that he couldnt give her what she needed. My heart feels for him, just as it does to everyone I have ever hurt. Though I feel remorse, I have to admit it is for the best. This journey through life is a long one. We have to make it work as best for us as we can.
For the longest time I was always worried about what other people wanted. To make others happy no matter HOW miserable it made me. I lost a man to his death, that loved me. He TRULY loved me, and I LOVE him. Its been two years now. It seems like yesterday, but I wasnt with him, because I was too busy taking care of other people instead of myself.
It has taken me a long time to finally say I LOVE ME. I LOVE ME more than anyone else in this world, and yes I am NOT perfect. I can admit that. I have problems! I have life issues I have to work through! I have health issues, finance issues, life issues like everyone else! Its a struggle, but despite me feeling ugly most days, despite me shaming myself, I am trying my hardest to find the beauty in me. To find what is right for me, but most of all, to know that taking care of myself, my needs, my happiness is NOT selfish!
I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart to those that I have hurt along this path! I still love you, and I miss you all with every fiber of my being. I am very thankful to you all. You have guided me in ways I could never fully comprehend. You have all shaped me here and there. You have opened my heart, my mind to exploring new things, accepting things I havent been able to change. Further more you have eased my journey. Through the madness and sorrow, you have kept a smile on my face in times I needed it. Some of you have given light to my path, educated me. Some of you have hurt me as well, and I have grown from these lessons, good and bad.
But truly you have shown me where I need to go. Without you all, I do not think I could have made it this far. I am thankful, and there is nothing I can do to ever repay you all! Some remain my friends, some have chosen its easier to move on, and that I understand. Sometimes the pain of loss is far easier to accept than being around what you cant have all the time. Just know that I wish you the best, and hope you all find what you truly need.
To the male submissive that still loves my Mistress, please know she loves you too. I understand where you are coming from, it took me ten years to find my Mistress. It was a long journey filled with happy and sad times. Just do not give up. You will find the one that fulfills your needs fully, and it might take another five to ten years, but that person is out there. Do not lose faith!
I love you all!