Sometimes I sit here wondering what to write at all. I can tap my chin, start to type, deleting it all, and just get all grrr faced. Writers block, mostly because I do not seem to get through what I want to when I am writing. Same goes for things in my life. I am not the type of submissive that does the onlineisms. The hello to E/everyone thing, or the lower case letters of my name, and capitalizing everything that refers to my Mistress. It drives me nuts to be honest. Granted, I dont use 100 percent proper grammar all the time. I try to however. I find it more pleasing to do so. The ONLY reason I capitalize the word Mistress, is because its what I call my dominant. Pretty much its her name!!!
I do feel proud to be submissive. It is who I am, and before I entered the lifestyle, I felt out of place, awkward, foolish. I didnt fit in anywhere, at all. I fought with it, actually to be honest I still struggle everyday with being submissive, but Ive never felt prouder of who I am, then when I am in my rightful place. During the day time I am in charge, I have to make decisions about peoples lives. It gets old, and for me, since I am submissive, being in control of things ALL the time gets tiring, in a hurry. So yes, when I get to shed off the normal everyday life that bogs me down, and get to be who I am, I am proud! SHY as hell for some things, but yes…PROUD!!!
Which to me is well enough. Ever since I entered the lifestyle, I have seen drastic changes in my life. I am not so unpleasant anymore. Which I tend to be very negative. I try not to be. I noticed that when something irritates me, I do my best to breathe before reacting. I am much more respectful to people, and more aware of my surroundings. I can honestly say though, that most of my friends are in the lifestyle as well, and so it makes it easier for me to enjoy being submissive. I dont however do this around my daughter.
I have tried to be a dominant, when I was so fed up of being hurt, that I decided I would TOSS my submissive side OUT the window!! BIG mistake. I am capable of being a dominant, if I so choose. In fact most people say I dont have a submissive bone to me, but I suppose they dont see what goes on with my Mistress and I to have any proper voice in it at all. I have owned female submissives, and male ones as well, but they didnt last. For one, me being in control ALL the time, just wasnt for me. I can handle being in charge with my job, and other duties that are necessary, but at the end of the day when I come home, I dont want to be in control anymore.
I often get told I am beautiful, despite me not believing it. I am working on that bit. Ive been told I am caring, loyal, fun, just normal things people say. I dont think any compliment truly sticks out the most. I suppose if I did have to choose, it would be the first time I knelt naked, and took some pictures for my Mistress. I have a horrible self image problem with myself, and I was scared to take the pictures. When I emailed them to my Mistress, just seeing the response…OMG You are so beautiful….It just made me smile, and I cried.
I had to really push through my insecurities to take those images, but in the end no matter how I personally feel about myself, I am proud I pushed through and did this. So I usually say the best advice I can give to someone, is that there is no wrong or right way to have a bdsm relationship. That has been my ground footing once a dominant told me that, but I think today. Today’s advice would be to push through your fears. The worst thing you can hear is No, but even if you get a no, just think hard. YOU did it. Regardless of the outcome, YOU were able to do something, that emotionally you might havent been able to do before. I am proud of you, for doing it. You are beautiful, strong, and brave! No one can take that away from you!