(This is my Mistress)
(Used with her permission of course)
“I see you!” she said to me. That facade of happiness on your face. She saw right through it. She could read the lines on my face, that forced smile, that lost look in my eyes, that pain, that loneliness, that suffocating feeling I have on a daily basis!
I SEE YOU!
Those words touched me, to my core. I have tried to hide from it. The spotlight she has to pinpoint when I am NOT okay, or when I lie and try to pretend I am. To everyone else I am happy, confident, out going, fun, and NEVER sad, depressed, lonely, hurting. So how can SHE see me? How can she point at me and say that she knows I am NOT Okay?
Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I wish that I could hide from her. To tell her that she is in fact wrong! I want to point back and say…No, I am perfecty fine, happy, and calm. I hate saying yeah you are right, I am NOT okay. Then having to talk about right then and there. For those that know me, I am a HUGE introvert. I keep EVERYTHING bottled up, and trying to communicate my feelings is rather difficult.
SO WHY IS IT SO EASY TO VOICE IT WITH HER????
This also frustrates me. I have told her my problems. I have opened up about my heart, and how I have been hurt, and what I am NOT Okay with. Even when she misstepped I voiced it right then and there, and it was great. There was NO issues involving it, and I held her accountable for upsetting me with something she had done, and we set boundaries about it. I have NEVER full opened up or communicated like this with ANYONE. It feels so amazing.
She is by far the one person I have opened up to so easily, so quickly, and feel like I have found a lost part of my soul. So its no wonder that I get to proudly say that I have offered myself to her, and she has taken me into consideration of being her submissive. I know what you all are saying…
BUT Scarlet…HOW the heck is this possible with your issues on female authority???
I have NO FECKING CLUE!! All I know is that it comes naturally. I give in so easily, and even during times when I have struggled since we started this journey, and wanted to just get up and walk away, she has actually said things….
“I dont stop being your Mistress when I get angry!”
which is true, she doesnt. No matter what day she has had. Whether she is upset, or hurt, or angry, or tired. So she actually made me realize this. I dont stop being her submissive just because I am struggling, or upset, or feel slighted, and hurt. I am her submissive in ALL of me emotions, just because I feel them more or less or all at once.
It has ALMOST been a month under her guidance and it has purely been online, via text messages, and over skype…BUT……and OH MAH GERD….This Wednesday 12.16.15 I will get to meet my Mistress, IN person…FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!
*runs around the house several times in excited anxiety of gooey nervous bliss*
Yep I am ALL emotions, ALL…I smile, I laugh, I cry…actually I think I cried the most..First because of my anxiety…all the thoughts in my head…WIll she like me for reals…will she hate me? Am I pretty enough?? OH my god what if she meets me and then says NOPE? Or…WHAT if she doesnt show at all???? Plus many many many many many MANY more…MILLIONS more…so I cried..and Cried…and CRIED!!!
THEN I CRIED…and CRIED…and CRIED…and a smile formed…Bigger…Brighter..and I said out loud….What if my Mistress comes, and meets me, and deep down this works out, and its the most amazing experience in the entire world. Then I sat up. I wiped my eyes, I hugged my pillow, I looked at her pictures, and I just felt this calm over me. I listened to the song she recorded of her singing for me. My heart raced, and I just felt complete.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WILL GET TO BE ME!!
I wont have to hide this. She knows I am submissive. She knows most of my fetishes (we are still learning each other). She knows I want to be submissive 24 hours a day, in service, loved, wanted, needed. She knows I am kinky, slutty at times, shy, nervous, a completely beautiful mess, and that I need her. For the FIRST TIME…in REAL LIFE…Before another person…I will get to be WHO I AM…No Judgment. No one belittling me. No one telling me I am worthless, and ugly, and stupid, and that my wants and passions are pointless.
There is nothing more wonderful than being who you are, and with that one person that fully accepts you for being YOU, and doesnt expect anything from it. So DONT be alarmed if you see my name changed, for I am her Rune. I am happy to be her Rune. It is the most precious name to be called. It is music to my ears. It fills my soul, and each time I hear it, I am filled with this overwhelming feeling of being fully loved and wanted.
So here is to you my beautiful Mistress. Nothing in this world can change how I feel. I see you. I see ALL of you. You are everything to me, and I live in anxious hope of seeing you. Breathing you in, touching you, kissing you, serving you. I look forward to this first small step in our relationship, that will lead to many new doors opening!