I love how people ask you to define things in the lifestyle. Especially, “How do you define being a submissive?” There is no direct definition for me. The usual things, oh its someone who obeys commands of another. It someone that wants to serve and finds pleasure in making people happy. No! I mean its all that and more. Its your soul. Your nature, Your heart. Its YOU. Nothing can change it! You will forever be submissive, and its not a bad thing. It doesnt make you weak, it doesnt make you ignorant. It makes you speecial, and strong. It takes a lot of patience in being submissive. Not just with others, but mainly with yourself! You can even say, “Screw this. I will never be submissive again!!” Alright fine. You dont want to be apart of the lifestyle anymore, that is your choice, but you will continue to serve, vanilla life, bdsm life, ny life, because its you. It doesnt change who you are, because submissiveness is in your DNA! Its apart of your personality!
You will serve for the rest of your life, whether you want to or not. You will serve a husband or wife when you are married. You will serve your children, you will serve regardless. You will help someone before you help yourself! It isnt a bad thing. To serve someone, to give that part of your life, unconditionally. Its amazing. I mean there are many ways to serve someone as well. Sexually of course, giving your body to them for their playground. Letting them take their rage out on your flesh, with flogging and other kinky fetishes they have in mind. There are other ways, nurturing, cleaning, cooking, caring for them when they are sick. In fact there is no definition here either. To serve someone, is private. Its what makes you feel as if you serve, and its what makes them feel as if you are serving them in return.
I have served all sorts of people, in all sorts of ways. I have never once though allowed someone to cross my limits. At least not my hard limits. Thats a deal breaker for me. My soft limits, I dont mind pushing a little to see if I can handle more, like it more, etc. Though it wasnt a limit, there was a situation I was in where I got hurt. The man didnt listen to my safe word, and I was strapped down. It mentally changed me. Ive not been tied down since, which sucks because I have a large desire for it. So not only had something been taken from me, the feeling of safety, I havent been able to enjoy that since.
Not even when its in public. With others around to ensure my safety. Granted Ive not been to munches, or anything but I have done some public play, where I could get caught. I am not sure if webcam play constitutes public play, since I would be in my house, however I have had sex at vista points in california, or at the lake, in hot tubs, stuff like this. Though these were YEARS ago, so I am unsure if even being tied down now, in front of a dozen people would be something I could do.
I dont respond to fear well. Like, I am not really afraid of anything or anyone. In fact I have been dying to find something that does scare me. Being tied down again doesnt scare me, I just dont want to endure an unsafe scenario, where I can have bodily harm come to me. I am very sissy like when it comes to pain. I wouldnt mind feeling what fear feels like. Maybe as a child I might have felt it, but I dont remember much of my past because I disassociated myself.
Though I LOVE to laugh. I LOVE everything funny, and hilarious, and the best thing for me is to like wrestle someone in a bed or something, and tickle them, or be tickled, and its like, playing for me, and it also oddly arouses me to play like that. Sometimes I get into these moods to play. yet I have no outlet for it, and if I dont get that outlet I get very bitchy!
In fact I have realized I am a very pessimistic person. I put on this HUGE act that I am happy, and alright, and no one ever notices. Well not everyone, one person noticed. The only person in my life that actually matters anymore. Though I dont think I was ever truly happy, ever experienced bliss, that elated, nothing can hurt me, I am so happy everything is truly a utopia.
Though I would say I have grown a lot. If I could tell someone anything at all, it would be to trust your gut. If you feel something is wrong, regardless of what it is, go with your gut. It wont ever steer you wrong!