Oh what fun our lifestyle is, but nothing comes so easy, and most of it all makes me anxious. What makes me the most nervous in this lifestyle is being obedient. I dont mean in the fear of failing a task or anything like that. I simply mean that when I am given a command, I analyze it, and really if I dont feel its a justified one, or if it pushes against my soft limits I get wound up, nervous, and flighty. Most often I throw tantrum because apparently that is far easier then sitting down with my Dominant and explaining why I feel so nervous or anxious in regards to a command or task set before me. Sometimes this anxiety is so intense I do not submit to it. I will refuse it no matter what the punishment is.
There have been moments when a command has been given and to me it is so absurd that it became a deal breaker and I ended things, or my refusal to do it, resorted in the ending of said relationship. Of course these are painful times, and most often they do not end on friendly terms. I remember at one time I was in a D/s relationship with someone, who had insecurities. I accepted these insecurities and would work through them, sometimes just giving in, and dealing with my own feelings on them personally. The one thing that caused our relationship to fail was that he did not desire me to male new male friends.
Normally I am very calm, and laid back. However this didnt end well. Not only this, but he even went so far as to inform me that he had to talk to my current male friends and approve of them before they could remain in my life. I understand completely protecting your submissive from abusers and what not, but I am sorry no one will inform me whom I can and cannot be friends with. I might get some hate mail for that, or people shaking their head and wagging their fingers at me, but too bad. I might be in the role of submissive, but I am still a human being, and I will be in charge of my vanilla life.
I mean outside of sex and in the vanilla life I serve as well. Sometimes I will cook special things, clean the house, do tasks set before me like my blogging, and yes my Dominant does read my blog. Taking care of myself, which sometimes I have issues with because of my memory and focusing issue interferes with my med intake, but I do my best. In fact sex is just a bonus for me. I prefer the more less sexual tasks. Dont get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE sex, and scenes, and I have fetishes and kinks, but I get my fire from less sexual tasks.
I have been in a scene once where an old Dominant of mine was trying to help me get over my past sexual assault. He felt subjecting to the same thing, but in a safe way, knowing I wont be harmed physicially would push me through it. Of course I was nervous, and I didnt want to do it, but I didnt want to be displeasing. Now this did NOT end well. I triggered, had a flashback, and well my ex Dominant ended up with a black eye. So after a long conversation, and coming to find out he needed this sexual act, and I just cannot do it, we ended things.
Though I know there has been ups and downs I really believe that the most important part of my submission is how honest it is. It isnt something that I do, its apart of who I am. It is where I feel at peace, where I feel my home is, and of course where I feel normal and the best place I feel safe and how I fit in. Without it, I dont think I could be who I am.