Toys, and my Safeword

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So as much as I want to get out there, the only sort of BDSM related things I have participated in are online discussions. I do though want to get out there and go to some classes, learn things and make new friends. Though I do suffer from anxiety stuff, and I have a fear of going places by myself. *Yay* I am no longer in denial about that so its the first step!

Part of my desire to get out there and learn is so we can avoid moments when safe words are being called, and scenes and play need to halt. One time I was in the middle of a scene, and I was going to try my first time with anal sex. For those who have not followed me from the beginning I was raped when I was a teen, and so this was a hard step for me. However I had to stop it before it started. My safeword was used, and that was that. I had flashbacks, and was triggered and emotionally I was not okay.

I think by educating myself more, it will help. Before I had a huge NO anal sex policy, NO anal play anything with plugs, etc. It was an extreme hard limit, but now I am open to trying it, to experiment but I know its going to take time, and I will need to fully educate myself on doing so safely. I have noticed a few of my limits like this have changed over the year as I have become more accepting of the lifestyle, and my role in it. I am more open minded, and eager to try new things.

Some things are easier too, when my partner cuddles me, or takes their time easing me into things. Sexual inter-coarse is very painful for me. I am very small down there, and my pelvis is turned a little, so inserting anything into me hurts, BUT my partner is kind enough to work me into it slowly. Sometimes I need hours of foreplay before just two fingers doesnt hurt anymore.

Of course its no doubt that my hitachi wand is by far my favorite way to get ready. I dont use the inserters until way way way after sex, but just having the wand itself for clitoral stimulation helps tremendously. I dont know if women have ever admitted it but the wand on high causes part of my vagina to go numb, so its easier to be opened up enough to have inter-coarse. Odd thing to say I know, but as strange as I might appear I am trying to be open and honest about myself as much as possible.

Anyways, this is my way of exploring myself, and opening up more, and accepting who I am.

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