I’ve talked about having nothing but a struggle with my submission since I have entered the lifestyle. I believe everyone struggles, even the Dominants. I assume sometimes it gets old constantly being in control. Everyone need downtime. I have noticed though that my submissions empowers me far more than I realize. I struggle because I am in cotrol of everything in my daily life. So when I hand over my submission sometimes I find it difficult to get into this mindset.
I have found it has helped me to accept who I am more much more easily. I also no longer care what society thinks of me. Being able to give over that control, to surrender to my inner soul, to serve my Master is the greatest strength I truly have, because it is the hardest thing I endure. I catch myself arguing sometimes, trying to get out of a task or command, mainly because I am afraid, and these are days I struggle, but for the most part I trust myself more, and tell myself its my choice to give in and obey.
However in my early years in the lifestyle I have learned some hard lessons. Not every man that says they are Dominant are. Nor should you truly trust everyone. Even if you’ve been together forever and a day. I was once tied down, and hurt rather badly. I have scars on my flesh from it, and the man never listened to my safe word. I was in love with this man, I trusted him, and believed that he wiouldnt hurt me. Then after that incident I met a new man, It took him forever to break down my walls, and get m to open up, ONLY to find out he was seeing someone else. She had NO idea about me, and well I wasnt thrilled to be lied too.
So now I have my processes. I LOVE bondage, but I wont do it with just anyone. I dont meet anyone online by myself anymore, even if I have talked to them or years. *waves to Patrick* I am very shy…like EXTREMELY shy, so I havent gone to munches, or meetups or play parties because of my desire to be safe, and the fact I have anxiety issues when it comes to crowds, or meeting strangers. So I have ways of staying safe. Meet new people within a group setting, but also with someone you trust. Set up ways that if you dont contact someone in time, they contact the cops and know where you should be etc.
I ALSO do my research. If I want to try out a new kink or fetish I do my research. I read up on it, I talk to experienced people, and if available videos on it. Like Rope bondage, wax play, youtube has an adult section, I utilize it well. Plus speaking to people that host events like fetishcon, or seminars on kink are well to learn from.
Of course my submission is based on a D/s aspect, always. I can be happy in it without kinky sex, or fetishes, however it is very hard for me to even get aroused in a vanilla style unless there is heavy romantic feelings. Even though I can have my submission, without involving any other aspect of BDSM, I choose not too. Its fun to have kinky sessions. My favorite is light knife play, sensory deprivation, and I am hoping soon to learn what wax play is like.
My limits have changed some. I was raped as a teen, and so for the LONGEST time anal sex was out for me. Now I find myself eager for anal training, plugs, and such, but of course it wont be with just anyone. I will have to trust this person dearly with my life, to feel safe and secure, because of PTSD I have flashbacks, and often come up swinging. This adds as well to the safety issue. I told someone about this, that I cared for, and trusted, and they wanted me to put myself in a situation like my rape, and endure something like it again, but in a safe setting. I almost let them!
I have been happier since I came into the lifestyle but it wasnt always enjoyable. I would read articles, watch D/s couples and wonder why mine was never like theirs. So it wasnt until I met a dear Dominant man that told me, “There is no wrong or right way in this lifestyle. There is only what feels right to you and your D/s partner. No one’s relationship is going to be the same, and you should not want it to be. So find what feels right for you and your partner!”
Between him and my BDSM mentor from Bittersweet, I have found a bit of my own happiness. So for those coming into the lifestyle, please understand:
1. Do not feel ashamed, because of the lack of acceptance from society.
2. ALWAYS do what feels right FOR YOU!
3. Never compromise on your needs…This is different from wants, learn the difference.
4. Have a safety plan when you meet a new person in the lifestyle.
5. Remember, what feels right to you and your partner, is BDSM, even if its not right for someone else!!!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
ENJOY THE RIDE and GROW!