Grow with love

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I dont really like to label myself as submissive, slave, pet, or anything of that sort. I think it limits me far too much. I run most every aspect in my life with a strict constitency. So I need that control to be taken from me, and it is very hard. I have met many people that have been able to help, some have been Dominants, Doms, Daddys, Masters, Switches, and yes I am using the titles they have used. So as I note that I got something from each type it has made it rather difficult for me to just choose a label.

I however never have found a person to satisfy my sexual need. To say I am a sex addict is putting it lightly. I am always thinking about sex, I am always aroused, the simplest touch even turns me on, the only issue I have lately is that vanilla sex doesnt do anything whatsoever for me. I used to watch vanilla porn all the time, and I do like the romantic side to it, but it does nothing for me anymore. Now its the kinkier the better, lately women on women. I dont claim to be bisexual or anything either. I really do not enjoy titles. All I can say is that I personality wise I am very alpha female, I am deeply submissive in the right settings, and I am attracted to personalities, and not gender.

I have grown as a submissive woman. I used to be so closed minded that it was really hard to accept and understand this side of me. For years I struggled with the idea that it went against society. It went against feminism, it went against the very way of life. That this lifestyle was oppressive. Over the years my mind has opened up more. No longer do I put a standard to my life. I dont allow society to dictate it to me either. Sure I have insecurities, but its never about what society deems as a social norm.

Growing as a submissive is important to me to me. To me it means you have to keep an open mind and heart. You have to trust yourself more, and you have to understand that you do not know everything and be willing to learn, and learn, and learn. There is no right or wrong way to go, or be in this lifestyle, it is whatever feels right to you, and your partner. Just because Barbie and Ken down the block do certain things in their relationship, have certain rituals, and kinks, doesnt make their relationship any better or any less than your own. You have to be willing to accept that. Also you have to give yourself a chance. If you do not like something, change it. If you want to try something, dont by ashamed, blurt it out and do it, but to fully grow, you must know you are always changing, molding, shaping into a beautiful creature on this planet. What you liked ten years ago, you may no longer have a care for. Accept it, and move forward!

Of course I suppose I could use some of my own advice, and for the most part that is what I do. I accept things and move forward, but also I must be discreet. My family I.E. Parents, Siblings, and of course my friends know i am well into the lifestyle. Most of my friends are into it as well, as are two of my siblings. My mother knows it, she doesnt agree with me, and we do not bring it up, but oddly, for my birthday I am always asked what new kinky thing I want added to my toy chest, and my mom will get it for me.

I do not have many friends on tumblr, fetlife, or anywhere else related to the lifestyle. I wish I did, but I like so many people have insecurities and it takes a long time for me to fully open up to people, however the friends I do have, are more than just online. We started out as online friends, and became more than that. Meeting some in real time. Some I have had to let go after meeting because well, not everyone is honest.

I dont really show that I am submissive either, so its a shock to people. I have never been to munches or dungeons even though I would like too. I am not currently owned, and I have heard the stories about it. It terrifies me. So when someone new finds out that I am submissive and into the lifestyle it is very shocking to them. I do not wear a collar out in public, but I do a silver chain from a fancy jewelry store that was given to me as a present from a very dear friend of mine. I wear that mostly, but its odd, even shopping for normal vanilla necklaces always makes me blush anymore. I see them as discreet collars, discreet symbols of who my heart tells me I am. To everyone else its just an accessory. To me its more than that. Silly as it sounds!

It does get very lonely, not being owned, or being able to live my life that way as often as I desire, but I have outlets. Like blogging for one. I do spend time with friends of like mindedness, and I do a ton of research online about fetishes, and things that interest me. Movies are another outlet, books, and well online discussions. I dont much dwell in the discussions on Fetlife. Sometimes you will get a great article or two, but really to me its a drama fest. Online discussions though, in secondlife, or other websites I am apart of are a great way for me to reach out, learn more, and feel that part of my soul growing.

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