To be fairly honest I came into the lifestyle when I was 19. It was very strange to me, and when I first entered it, I was all about the kinky sex, and not the submission. It wasnt until I was introduced to the Gorean novels. *ha ha stop laughing* Anyways, I got heavily into them, and then I began to roleplay the stories online. I met a ton of friends that were more than just Gorean Role players. They used it as a way to escape real life and step into a fantasy.
I am 31 now, and believe you me, it was not an easy transition. For the longest time I struggled. I didnt take it seriously. Society doesnt believe this. They believe its female oppression. They want to have independant women, with male submission of them bowing at their feet. Now part of me believes that if a woman isnt submissive, and this isnt the life for her, she shouldnt be forced into it. Even as a submissive I am still equal to my Dominant has a human being. I just choose to take the role as submissive in the relationship. So as time went on, and I had a few different types of relationships, and mentors it helped to transform me.
I stopped catering to society. Or should I say I realized that I never did cater to them. I walked to the beat of my own drum, and still do to this day. Society might have a standard but we do not have to conform to it. We can choose to live our life the way we want too, and I am not ashamed to.
However it was a struggle, and most days it still is. Being submissive makes my growing up undstandable in some areas. When I dated as a teenager I was a pleaser. Serving my boyfriends to the fullest, and I never understood why I did it. Sometimes I was miserable for it, and often times they mocked me. Some took advantage. At a younger age I hated myself for it. My early twenties I was often in the stage of wanting to kill myself, because I would be pleasing so much, that I lost who I was and what I believed in.
It took years to find my voice, and to understand that yes I am a submissive, I seek a D/s relationship, but at the same time I am not weak. As a submissive I still have a voice, and can use it. I dont believe in the whole…submission is a gift nonsense. Its not a gift. I am not GIFTING you my total obedience, or my desire to serve. I am equal to you, but I choose, out of my desire for you, out of my caring for you, out of my need for this, to be submissive. It is not a gift, it is a choice!
I have lost myself many times. It happens mostly during sub drop, or when a D/s relationship ends badly. Lets face it, its not always raindbows and butterflies. In my early twenties, it was bitter breakups. Bad words strewn at eachother. Anything we could say to hurt them on purpose. “Youre not a Dominant, Youre Domineering” or towards me, “You will never make a Dominant happy. You suck as a submissive” etc etc etc.
Through the years and after some much needed mentoring from a dear friendly Dominant whom goes by Seven, I can say that I have grown. I no longer look at D/s relationships that do not work for me as bad. I find the good in it. Yes it hurts sometimes when it ends, but all things do. I now look at them as wonderful journies and great oppurtunities. It might not have worked, because our needs were different but instead of losing myself to them anymore, I am grateful to them for the time we shared, and the knowledge I gained. For in these relationships I have come to realize what I do not need, and what I do. I close the chapter and move on.
I did fight my submission. Sometimes I still do. There are times I fear that I would lose myself all over again. That I will lose who I am, and though I know I am stronger than that, it worries me. Its insecurities, its painful parts of the past that come before your eyes in the present becasue you dont want to repeat it. its EVERY bit of what you believe things should be, held up against the person you are with today. It isnt fair to them, and I struggle with it.
I have to look at my partner everyday, and know that I might have had a bad experience with bondage before. Someone didnt listen to my safeword, and physicially hurt me, but that person was and is NOT you. I have to push through my fears. I have to reassure myself that I will not be lost, that I have a voice, that who I am, and what I believe in is accepted in totality by the person I am with, just as I do with them.
It is a struggle, it will always be a struggle, and for me its harder. I dont have many friends nearby that share the same beliefs. I suffer from severe anxiety, and a fear of leaving my home alone from some past trauma. Most of the people I am surrounded by is family, and those NOT of the lifestyle, and of course whom do NOT approve of it.
It doesnt help me at all to be constantly around vanilla people. Especially when I have to be in charge. I have to make decisions, for dozens of people all the time, every day. When really I just want to be on my knees before a Dominant that owns me fully. It makes me grumpy, it makes my cranky, and sometimes it makes me wonder why bother? I feel it will never happen. On top of it all, and this is hard to admit, vanilla sexual relations doesn nothing for me.
Sure I enjoy romance, and chivalry, and my ideal relationship is partially a 1950’s household, but when it comes to sex. Vanilla sex doesnt turn me on, it doesnt get me off, and I want no part of it. There has to be some form of kink in order for me to enjoy myself. So that too has made it very difficult for me. Mixing both worlds is extremely difficult. Sometimes I dont even know how to balance it out.
I am hopeful!