“When one jumps over the edge, one is bound to land somewhere.” -D. H. Lawrence
Reflecting on your everyday really starts to make you realize more about yourself. Whether you are too busy in life and never stop to slow down and enjoy it, or that you are in fact too slow and arent accomplishing as much as you would have liked to.
So as I sit and think of my daily routines I began to see a pattern. Every Monday and Tuesday if I do not have a client I clean the house from top to bottom. It is tiresome, but I get it done in a couple of hours. Then I wait for the social workers and counselors that come every week. We have foster children, and children we are adopting, and yes this gets old and tiresome these constant people in our home, but it is something we do.
After that is done I get a few hours before the kids come home from school to either work, since I am a photographer alot of my work is editing. Anyways its that, or spending time with my mother, whom is ill and I take care of. I get a little bit to do our games we play together, or just enjoy a game I play by myself. Catch up with friends on skype etc.
Normally after I clean I do my yoga, this is 90 percent of the week but each day is really different yet the same.
Mon-Tues – Social workers and Therapists.
Weds – Doctor Appts
Thursdays – Doctor Appts for adults, and more counseling for other kids
Fridays – Family day, and grocery shopping
Sat-Sun – My days off if I dont have clients.
This makes it very difficult with my lifestyle. I never have time usually for my submissive side to come out. Let alone its a major struggle, because I am always in charge. I dont have an owner either, aside from online Dominants that dont mind giving me tasks. I want to pursue more of this lifestyle, but when youre a foster parent it is hard to find babysitters, sinc they need to be certified, and to find those that are willing to work with the classification of children we raise it is even harder.
I never feel owned. It is tiring, and draining. I feel like I have reached the bottom of sub drop, and it makes me cranky. I am in a Rut, and I do not know how to get out of it. I am thankful at least, I have a few weddings here in November coming up. One I am performing, as an ordained minister, and the other two I am doing photography for. That will be some extra cash for christmas.
I just wish sometimes I didnt have to have the control all the time. There is a man that could be my Dom but the fact is he says he will do things with me, and just never does. He has been saying it for years, and never has any follow through. I have given up hope!