So if you have read any of my past posts you would know that I am adopting a thirteen year old whom I have raised since she was five. We had a lot of issues where we came from, and it pertains to her bio mother and the fact she is in prison. I never had any issues with my daughter. We got her counseling, and all the help I could find. I love her dearly, and wanted her to have a normal life. I never tried to take her mothers place, or to brain wash her. I always tell her that her mother loves her, and what not. Her father and I do not argue in front of her, we do not belitttle her maternal’s family at all. Despite our situation I think we have handled it rather well. We could have been completey different. We didnt want to be bad people.
So my daughter has a few rules at the house. Mainly, respect your elders, get good grades in school, do your chores, no lying, no stealing, the normal rules a family might have. She has everything a child could want within our means, and whenever she asks for something I do my best to make sure she gets it. She has to do two chores a week. Dust, and clean her bathroom. Other than that she has free reign as long as she gets good grades in school. Which she is capable of. She is extremely smart and talented.
Now I know part of her frustration is because I am sick, and children her age just dont understand. They cant wrap their minds around life when it comes to something they want. She wants me to go jogging with her, or hiking, or to go rock climbing and stuff like that. It breaks my heart, I have a brain tumor, and it affects me. On top of that I am now depressed, and that affects everyone in my life not just me. I can see the dissappointment in her eyes when I tell her I am not feeling well today to go jogging, and stuff like that. Though I do things with her that I can do. We watch movies, play games, stuff like that doesnt wear me out to much.
At the same time she has her own issues. She hates that we moved far away, to a new place, where its new cultures, and she has had difficulty making friends. She is very angry all the time, and I have gone through several therapists to help her, or to try and get her help. Nothing seems to help. Her entire attitude and demeanor towards me has also changed. I have no idea if its because she is a teenager now and she is hormonal or what.
So what worries me the most is I came across a notebook as I cleaned her room, and it seemed like it was trash. It was barely kept together and torn apart. So I went through it, making sure it wasnt home work, or something she needed. I found writings in it, just a page or two about how she hates me, calls me her step monster, says she refuses to let counseling help her, that there is nothing wrong with her, and she plans to run away. Of course this crushed me!
I have been nothing but good to her, despite our situation. On top of it I have found out she has been lying to me. She had a fake face book account. She had a fake email account, all hidden from me. She was sneaking out to see a boy as well. She was looking for ways to contact her old family, and for safety reasons we can’t have that. I want nothing more then for her to be able to talk to them, but there are restraining orders in place, and other things she just doesnt understand.
So I have had to terminate her use online, unless its for home work. I turned her cell phone off. She hates me more now, barely talks to me, and I know deep down that I am here to protect her, raise her as best as I can to have her grow up to be the best person she can be, and productive to society. I am here to be a parent, NOT her best friend. I remember when I was her age I hated my parents as well. I felt they were destroying my life, and it wasnt until I was about twenty one, that I started to have a better relationship with my mother.
Knowing this doesnt make this easier on me. I feel like I fail as a mother. I want to just wrap my arms around her, tell her I love her, and that she is capable of handling these feelings, and this life that was given to her, and that I am here to support her. Other times I want to just lock the door and say whats the point? Does this make me a terrible person? I never had a child of my own. Due to my health, and of course my husband didnt want another child.
I feel selfish. I battle feelings within me of hatred for raising a child that isnt mine, but then I beat myself up because deep down I Love her as if she was mine. I dont say this is my step daughter. I dont say this is the girl I am adopting. No, this IS MY daughter. I might not have given birth to her, but I am indeed her mother. Whether she hates me or not. I know I must sound like the worst person in the world for thinking these things. What mother, biological or not, would look at their kid and go….I Give up?
I am torn. I am heart broken to be considered a step monster. I doubt myself much of the time now, and I feel guilty for feeling like why bother with a child that hates me, and isnt of my blood? UGH….I just dont know how to feel, or what to do anymore. Am I doing this right? Where is my manual on how to raise a child that despises you?
I could use some advice!