Primal Is Not…

rough sex

Many people think primals are animals in the not-so-nice sense of the word. Primal play is not as calm and restrained as other types of BDSM play. It often looks more like some sort of physical assault than the more refined and organized sadism of most scenes. Whips and floggers are often eschewed in favor of teeth and nails. Wrestling a lover into submission and pinning him or her down takes the place of ropes and chains. When there’s blood, it isn’t from a sterilized needle or scalpel, but from a bite or a scratch. And then there’s those who take it too far and seriously hurt people and use being a primal as an excuse to be a dangerous predator. But primal-play is no different than any other form of BDSM play. It should always be based on trust and mutual consent. Just because you click primal on a drop down menu, that doesn’t mean the rules change for you.

Primal is not…
An excuse to ignore safewords. You are not an animal. You are a human being. No matter how lost you are in the heat of your passions, it is your responsibility to safeguard your partner and that means heeding limits. “Primal Rage” is a bullshit excuse for hurting someone who trusted you.

Primal is not…
An excuse to violate consent. If you force sex upon someone, and it has not been negotiated previously, you are not primal. You are a rapist.

Primal is not…
An excuse to cheat in a monogamous relationship. If you want to sleep around, be honest about it. If you say you are going to be exclusive with someone, then don’t use “Primal instincts” to explain why you can’t control yourself around every piece of ass that walks by. Yes, being primal means heightened passion, but no, it doesn’t mean a lower moral compass.

Primal is not…
An excuse for bad manners. You can be primal and still be a gentleman or a lady. If you’re crude and slovenly, it isn’t because you’re primal. It’s because you’re just crude and slovenly

Being a primal means being in touch with the most savage side of our nature. It means playing with the dormant animal instinct to hunt, fight, and even rape and kill, but if you can control it well enough to hold a job, then you can control it during play. And yes, I know that the entire point of primal play is that we do have to hold these instincts at bay all day, every day, and this is the one time when we can let those instincts run wild. But it must not be at the expense of other, non-consenting victims. And yes, I do mean victims. Because if you break those hard limits, violate consent, ignore safewords, and cause serious damage because you couldn’t (wouldn’t) hold back, you have now victimized your play-partner.

Whether you identify as a wolf, a lion, a tiger, a hyena, or a gorilla, you are still human. You have intellectual abilities those animals don’t have. A lion who mauls his long-time trainer because his instincts kicked in, can be forgiven. It was just obeying nature. The primal who mauls a lover cannot. You can reason. You know right from wrong. The lion cannot.

I admit, that the prospect of being able to really let the animal inside loose is extremely appealing. Part of what makes love-making so passionate between my baby girl and I, is that balance between sexual lust and blood-lust, that feeling of barely-restrained savagery that could explode at any moment into carnage, but I hold it at bay. That struggle to keep the monster from tearing her apart creates passion that is akin to fury. And that’s fucking hot. Actually tearing her apart would not be so hot.


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