I am afraid!!!

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So I went and had my cat scan last friday. it was rather scary. The woman that was doing the cat scan said that I might want to see my doctor before the scheduled time. WTF, is that supposed to mean???? So now I am even more worried.

Though last night I had a melt down. I know I shouldn’t stress over what is going on. Simply because I dont know what it is! Lets get real for a moment. No matter who tells me not to stress, and no matter how hard I try not too, I am STILL going to stress!!!

Not just stress, I am going to think about things that could possibly go wrong. I am going to wonder if I am going to live and if not, how long do I have, what can I do to prepare for the future, who will take care of my daughter when I am gone. Etc.

So I broke down, because when I try to talk about this with people, I get the…Dont worry about it, or…Everything is going to be fine!!!

Sure I appreciate their reassurances, but I NEED to talk about this. I NEED to discuss the different angles, and now I feel like I have no one out there to talk too. That no one understands what I am going through, or even wants to talk about this. I know it is hard. I dont like discussing death and plans after with anyone either, but if they NEED it…I am there!!!

I havent been sleeping well on top of it. I just toss and turn mostly, and it is starting to wear me down. What is more weird is that I keep having dreams that I am having surgery on my head, and I come out afterwards either not waking up from the medicine, or I am brain dead, or I end up paralyzed etc.

I just need one night of good sleep, and a nice shoulder to cry on!!!

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14 thoughts on “I am afraid!!!

  1. Reblogged this on Surrendered Heart and commented:
    Posting for two reasons– ONE, and most importantly, this is a blogger in need of love and support. PLEASE reach out.
    Two- PERSPECTIVE. At a time when I needed it.
    XX

  2. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like, or what you’re going through…. I can only tell you I had three strokes about ten years ago, and so I know how illness and coming close to dying feels. It is scary.
    I can only tell you that you are cared for, and God is always with you. One day you may look back and consider this time a gift.
    Sending positive thoughts, love and prayers your way.
    XX

  3. Saw this on Surrendered Heart and popped over to let you know there’s support out here in blog land. No idea what is going on but my husband and I have wrestled with tumors and the unknown. It is a scary place to be. Happy to visit by email. It is impossible not to think about “what if”. Sometimes just saying it releases the hold it has on you. Hugs.

  4. Emme,

    I don’t know you, but I am terribly sorry to hear that you are going through such a frightening time right now. The waiting game of knowing there’s something wrong, but not knowing what it is or what you can do about it can be a harrowing ordeal in and of itself. I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’d like to offer some advice. Many of us, when presented with a friend who is going through something, are unaware of what they NEED when they talk to us; we see them in pain, and our first instinct is to comfort, not realizing that what they NEED from us is simply someone to listen while they pour out their fears and uncertainties. Sometimes our closest friends are unable to do this. The depth of their feelings for us, our closeness, is actually a problem because when we talk to them about the issue, they are filled with fear and anxiety not only for US, but for themselves. If anything happened to US, they, too, would experience pain and loss, a feeling which most of us are unable to face, so they (unconsciously) try to avoid the pain they will/are feeling at the thought of losing us. Their own fear makes them unable to be strong for us in the face of our own.

    Anyway, my advice is this: Call a close friend and tell him/her that you need to talk about what’s going on, and you don’t need them to offer comfort, just to listen. Then talk to them. If they are unable to simply listen, I then suggest asking this same question of someone who is little more than an acquaintance… this person will have less emotional investment and connection with you, and will find it easier to listen in a detached but supportive way.

    I know it seems counter-intuitive that the weaker the emotional bond, the easier it is for someone to listen, but it’s true. Give your close friends the chance to be the sounding board you need, but if they are unable, don’t hesitate to ask someone a little more removed from you for an ear or a shoulder. (I should add here that some people are so empathetic that they will experience emotional distress regardless of how much or little they know someone, so it’s always a good idea to tell anyone you intend to speak with, close or not, what it is that you need from them BEFORE the conversation is underway.) If all else fails, find a therapist. It is their job to LISTEN, and they’re trained to help you work out your fears and/or anxieties without the empty platitudes.

    Sorry for the ‘book’… I wish you all the best and truly hope that your problem turns out to be minor.

    A.

    • Thank you so much for that. I know I need to also put myself in their shoes to try and understand what they are experiencing while being my friend and walking through this with me. I truly appreciate what you have offered me as advice and I will gladly use it.

      xoxo
      Emme

      • If all else fails, create a second, private blog, and pour all your fears and frustration on the page. Sometimes simply the act of getting our fears out is enough to allow us to see past them.

        And no, you don’t have to put yourself in their shoes. I know that sounds callous, but this is YOUR pain, not theirs. The amount of stress you are obviously under does not lend itself to pandering to the emotional needs of others, not when you’re seeking strength and support. If a friend is unable to give you the support you seek, it doesn’t make them less of a friend, but it makes them useless for THAT purpose. They are the ones you go to when you need to throw a pity party (I’m not using the term negatively, sometimes we really just need someone to tell us it will all be okay… those are the friends who you should go to when that is the need you have).

        I’d like to share something with you that I came across the other day. This series is fantastic, and if you are interested in spiritual things (NOT religious, simply growth of the spirit) I highly suggest starting from the beginning. Before watching this, I would not have had the advice I shared in my first post. The video I’m sharing with you is more related to understanding why those close to us have trouble simply LISTENING, without taking on our pain or letting their fears (usually unconsciously) get in the way of supporting us. Hopefully you will find it interesting, if not helpful.

        A.

    • Well I will post in a few days, I am even more sick then they thought and a ton of stuff is going on with other family members too. Other then that I am just trying to get through one day at a time.

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