So I went and had my cat scan last friday. it was rather scary. The woman that was doing the cat scan said that I might want to see my doctor before the scheduled time. WTF, is that supposed to mean???? So now I am even more worried.
Though last night I had a melt down. I know I shouldn’t stress over what is going on. Simply because I dont know what it is! Lets get real for a moment. No matter who tells me not to stress, and no matter how hard I try not too, I am STILL going to stress!!!
Not just stress, I am going to think about things that could possibly go wrong. I am going to wonder if I am going to live and if not, how long do I have, what can I do to prepare for the future, who will take care of my daughter when I am gone. Etc.
So I broke down, because when I try to talk about this with people, I get the…Dont worry about it, or…Everything is going to be fine!!!
Sure I appreciate their reassurances, but I NEED to talk about this. I NEED to discuss the different angles, and now I feel like I have no one out there to talk too. That no one understands what I am going through, or even wants to talk about this. I know it is hard. I dont like discussing death and plans after with anyone either, but if they NEED it…I am there!!!
I havent been sleeping well on top of it. I just toss and turn mostly, and it is starting to wear me down. What is more weird is that I keep having dreams that I am having surgery on my head, and I come out afterwards either not waking up from the medicine, or I am brain dead, or I end up paralyzed etc.
I just need one night of good sleep, and a nice shoulder to cry on!!!