Here Comes Goodbye

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I Heard Your Voice In The Wind Today
Author : Unknown

I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.
I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.
I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.
I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.
As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.

Ender IC Funeral (1)

Ender IC Funeral (2)

I’ve not written in a long time. Part of the reason being I just haven’t had anything to discuss, or say. The other reason because I have been in pain. Not physical pain, even though it feels that way, but someone I love more than anything in this world just passed away in January. I had such high hopes for 2014, yet it has been cruel. Five of my friends online have died, including the man I was supposed to be with.

Ender AKA Carlos was my RL world, and we had an off and on relationship. We were engaged to be married, we were to move in together but life took a cruel turn. I really believed this was meant to be. That he was the one I could and would spend the rest of my life with. How can it be that it would never happen?

On January 26th 2014 I found out that he had passed in his sleep. Carlos suffered from severe obesity, and had many health issues due to it. I am only thankful he went peacefully and not in severe pain. I am upset because he was stubborn and wasn’t getting the help and care he needed. A part of me feels slighted. That he could have prevented this, but deep down I know things happen for a reason.

On top of it all when people pass away you find thing out about them you wish you never had. I don’t need to go into detail what happened, because I want to remember the man he was to me, and not what he is being painted out to be. I am heart broken that his obituary didn’t say much, he deserved that. Something beautifully written for someone so special.

Carlos cared about people deep down in his heart. He wanted to help people, and have a family. He loved my daughter like his own, and was even wonderful friends with her father. We never had an issue regarding that. Even when my family put him through such humiliation and hell, was he ever so good to me. Instead of making me choose him or my family, he said he would NEVER get in the middle of me with family.

These last four years have been difficult, but this tops the cake. Holding my daughter for hours because she found out he died. How can I dry her tears if I cannot even dry my own? No, Carlos would have wanted us to laugh and be happy, and remember him for the man he was, but how can I go on happily when someone that was so special to me is gone.

I used to think that just being the ex of someone was worse than them passing away. I used to think that because you would have the chance to run into them and relive all that pain, but really. I would be thankful if I could see you again just once. Even if it was for the briefest of moments. Even if we weren’t together and you were kissing your new woman. How I wish to hear your voice again, hear your laugh, smell you, touch you.

How can I move on and be happy? I feel guilty for wanting to be happy again. I feel sad because I have found someone new in my life that makes me laugh and smile and he treats me just as good as you did, and sometimes even better, but how can I shake this guilt?

Have I not mourned you enough, have I mourned too much? Why do I feel like I cannot move on, and live my life? Why am I afraid to put you behind me and be happy? I don’t know where else to go from here. I wont hold myself back in a new relationship, but I don’t think I can fall in love so easily. I know it will take me a long time to heal, for I think of you everyday.

I wish I could just have a sign from you, saying I will be alright. That I wont make a wrong choice, that you forgive me for wanting to be happy. I love you, and I miss you. Sometimes I really need you here with me, and yet I feel you sent Joey to me. I really believe in fate, and I know you did too. I know if you were here, you would tell me that everything happens for a reason. You always did. I know you would tell me that now. You would wrap your arms around me, tell me that you love me and tell me that it is alright for me to be happy.

You would tell me to find the one person that can love me for being who I am. That wont change me, will accept my faults, and love my daughter as their own. I feel that I have found that so soon. I believe it was your gift to me in finding him. That even now you are protecting me.

I am sorry that I couldn’t get to you to take care of you like you begged me too. Please forgive me for that, and please forgive me for wanting to be happy. I hope you are smiling down on us, and know how much we miss you and love you. I will always think of you, and see you in all the beauty of the world. Thank you for the time I got to spend and love you. It was one of the greatest times of my life, but I need to put that behind me. I need to heal and move forward.

Please know Carl, it doesn’t mean I will forget you. I just need to move on for me, and for my daughter. We love you, and miss you!!!!

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EnderMemorial

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