Someone asked me why I chose monogamy over polygamy, or polyamory. It was hard to answer this because it dove so deeply into my life that I have never wanted to address it. I finally feel it is time to truly get in there and dig up these roots.
When I was little my father used to abuse my mother, physically, emotionally, and mentally. This lasted for 22 years of my entire life. I am 29 now. He would beat her, call her name, degrade her in front of my siblings and myself. He would leave my mother for another woman, and take every single penny out of their bank accounts, leaving my mom penniless with 4 children.
This is how I grew up seeing love. I was molested when I was 10 years old by my moms friend, but I thought this was something that was accepted. After all, men did what they pleased to women. I would hear my mother being raped by my father countless nights. So I assumed this was supposed to happen.
Soon as it all does with men who beat their wives, it of course transferred to the children. He would belittle us, traumatize us emotionally. I remember he used to call my youngest brother stupid because he had a learning disability. He told me I was a liability to my family, and that I would never succeed in my life.
Now my mother did her best to try and teach her children that we didn’t need to depend on someone for happiness. We were independent, strong, and could handle anything on our own, and I admit some parts of my childhood with my father, weren’t always abusive. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in, and because of this abuse I stood up for others who were being abused.
I got my first official boyfriend when I was 14. He was my moms Co-workers son. He was far different than my father. He treated me nice, took me on dates, and never once abused me. I quickly fell for him, but due to a tragic twist of fate he died when I was 15. This couldn’t have been any worse save we moved to a new city, and my father was still his old self, just never home because of his job.
I soon fell in with a new crowd and turned to drugs to soothe the anger in me. The drugs never took hold, (which is good). However I started to deal drugs..sometimes actual drugs, prescription pills, pot, anything I could get my hands on. I even went so far as selling *fake* drugs to people. (yes some people are really that intelligent). Of course I got busted, and was arrested. Though I got off easy. I was a minor, it was my first official offense, I got probation and community service.
I got off the drugs after that, but turned to alcohol. Need I remind I was officially 16 at the time. I was getting the liquor from some friends. I would sneak out and go party at night, get drunk, go to school and actually drink during school. I remember drinking vodka from a seven up bottle in my classes. I was heading down a dark path.
I became promiscuous. Having sex with anyone that would let me. A few times I even did it for money. During this time the Internet was just starting to gain popularity, and of course this gave me even more ways to get ahold of things I thought I needed.
By the time I was 18 years old, I had a huge drinking problem, my parents were getting a divorce, and I stupidly was raped by a group of guys. Which for the longest time, about 10 years I blamed myself for.
Lets skip ahead shall we….
My father has been married three times now. We no longer speak, haven’t in a year and a half. I finally got tired of the emotional abuse. He told me he was done tolerating me. If you have been reading my blog you will understand that I finally let go of the anger. I love my father, because he is after all my father, but I don’t have to be subjected to that abuse any longer.
I am married. I don’t know if we will always stay married. He is my closest friend, and dearest person to me. He has been for me through a lot in my life. He has a daughter that I love as my own, and she is the world to me, but we got into a huge situation in life. I got sick and the medicine made my sex drive drop to zero, and at the time I feared he would leave me.
This was before we were married. So he started looking for other women online and as much as it broke my heart, I would agree to let him go meet these women and have sex with them. I truly believed if I told him no, or stood my ground he would be like my father and cheat on me, leave me. So I let him. I didn’t realize I was doing this for about 7 years. It caused a huge issue in our relationship.
He and I have been together for nearly 11 years now, and have gone through a few break ups, and even someone trying to kill us. (no, I am not making this shit up). Some one truly wanted us dead, and hired an undercover detective on video tape to have us beaten to death. All through this I learned more about myself.
I may not be the prettiest girl in the world, or the smartest, but I have learned to love myself for who I am. I found a home in the BDSM world, to which I am trying to truly be myself and open up. I have done a Poly house before. I have been owned by a man who had more than one submissive. I always seemed to put my happiness last, and was always tossed aside.
Now don’t get me wrong. I made choices in my life. I have accepted what has happened during my life, and I am learning to let things go. I am not wanting pity from anyone, and really despite some mental issues I got from all this stuff, I think I do alright on a daily basis. Granted I seem lost sometimes, or distant but really this is just me, doing the best I can, one day at a time.
So, this is why I don’t do Poly houses. I am not afraid to tell a man no. I am not afraid to stand up and say I deserve to be happy too. I know sometimes life gets the best of me, but when does it not get the best of us sometimes? I am not afraid anymore to say that I want a man to love me, for who I am. To accept me for all my faults.
I know Poly houses work for some. I am not against having friends in Poly houses. I have fetishes that might involve threesome, or more etc, but thats where it ends for me. I am completely open minded, and unbiased, but personally I am working through my garden, cleaning up the weeds so I can plant my flowers.
I suppose since the only love I know is a man hurting a woman makes it hard for me to have a real relationship with someone. I have trust issues, and the moment my trust is broken I dont give second chances. I also get paranoid that they are going to leave me over the dumbest stuff, so the first moment I feel tension, I start to walk on egg shells, to the point I cant take it anymore and find the dumbest reasons to flee.
I am doing my best to work on this issue. I am not afraid to be happy. I think I am more afraid to be in a situation the way my mother was. I dont want to ever be in that situation as a wife, or a mother. So I always find ways to end up alone that way it doesnt happen. I realize now, I have much still to work on, but at least I am on the right track.