I have an issue of seeing good in people. A year go someone told me I was a cold heartless bitch, because I never trusted people, or I didnt give people second chances after they have wounded me, or hurt our friendship. I have tried really to open up more to people, to not keep them at arms length, and really try to be a friend to people that I would like to have in return.
The issue with this, is that I continue to keep around people who I shouldnt even let back into my life. Like people that I have dated, and broke up because they lied, or cheated on me. I see that they struggle, and some one and here I come running trying to help. Normally I would have told them to piss off, and never spoken to them again.
I think I am starting to notice something. The people who claim I am a cold heartless bitch, are the ones that have actually hurt me. That I have let go, and want nothing more to do with. I struggle everyday to not let my past rule my life, and to really push forward to make new friendships, and lasting relationships.
Of course with my current Dominant, whom we were having a 2 week trial to get to know each other on a D/s level. We hit a bump in the road. Someone who wants to be with me, whom I cant stand, has tried to get in the middle of us, and instead of trusting me, or sticking up for me, he ate their plate of bullshit and told me that our trial was over. Then after that, he proceeded to get my side of the story.
Did I want to get vengeance on this person…Yes! I wanted them to hurt as badly as they hurt me, and I was willing to go through the lengths to do it, but then I stopped. All my friends said do it…just hurt this person as much as they hurt you, and I was about too, but I didnt. I sat and thought first. I dont believe in hurting someone on purpose. I believe that Karma will get them for what they have done.
So yes, did I say some hurtful things to them. Of course, but its a two way street. Did I want to delete their account, that I created for them? Yes, I did! To the point I logged in, and was going to do it, but I didnt! Did I log in and change all their stuff, and ruin their account or whatever else they accused me of?
No!!! I did not!
So now I am at a bypass. Sir wants to work things out, but I really feel that he doesnt have my back. That if it came down to it, when things get super tough, he wouldnt protect me, or support me, or be there for me. That is something serious. You have to count on the other person in the relationship to be there for you when you truly need them!
I dont know if we can go on from this. Trust has been broken, and I am tired of this happening. I have made a promise to myself to find someone who will love me, trust me, and be there for me when I need them. I dont want to have to guess if they will be, I want to know they will be.
I dont know what will happen, if we will stay together, all I know is that I feel hurt. I was falling hard for him, and now I have to stop and think if this will even work. Do I want it too? Yes! Will it? I have no idea. I think this means we have to take things even slower, super slow, or maybe just end it? Right now I have no one else in this world to talk too. How can I when I feel like I myself cannot trust anyone ever again!