Much has gone on these past few days. I have been rather tired emotionally. I am stressed out since we just accepted an offer on our house, and now I have only 30 days to find a new one. I really don’t want to live in this state anymore, but what can I do. Right now I cannot afford to move out of state. I will have to start saving up for it.
My cousin is coming to live with us. She just turned 18 and her father passed away. After the funeral her aunt said she is selling the house since it was given to her, and that my cousin had to get the hell out. She had been homeless for nearly a year, graduated high school, and maintained a job without us knowing she was homeless. So now she is moving in! I haven’t seen her really since she was 5 years old, due to her family issues that I don’t need to go into detail about.
I held my first discussion yesterday as well at the Newcastle location. My topic was online safety, and though I was rather nervous, it was nice to see some people there, talk about the issue at hand, share stories. It took a lot in me to open up. I didn’t open up as much as I wanted too, but I did discuss a few things about my life that holds me back from really diving in with my trust in a relationship.
After my mentorship with Sir Seven, I have opened my eyes to so many different possibilities. I know the submissive that I want to be, and I know now what my NEEDS are in a relationship. I think this better helps me in serving my Dominant because I am more secure and confident in myself. I think this will also come in handy when making friends, because I am tired of having people enter my life only to take advantage of my kindness.
I have been mentoring my student for nearly a week now. To be honest I was terrified that I would damage them more than help them. Reading their lessons, journals, poetry, and rants it is nice to see how much I am helping in their growth. This makes me eager to take on more students. I enjoy sitting and talking with my student and just any subject really. We dive in deep, and it has also made me look closer at myself. Who am I as a person? Where do I want to go in this world?
I am no longer trapped in the Allegory cave, but now that I am free, what does life have for me? I want to live my D/s lifestyle full time. Can I do this and still raise a daughter who is strong and independent? I know I do not care what the social norms are, heck I don’t really care what people think of me. It only matters what I think of me, and as long as I please my Dominant thats where happiness is. My daughter doesn’t know that I am into the D/s lifestyle. Would she think less of me for it, if she found out?
I want my child to know everything about me. Clearly right now she is to young to comprehend what I am speaking about, but maybe one day. I think sitting down and having a deep conversation with her would be good. I don’t want to end up passing away some day and have my daughter find stuff on my computer or emails and think she never really knew me.
Anyways, be on the lookout for my next entry in a day or so. I am ready to talk about something that is important in my life. Something that happened to me, and my family. It has molded me in a way I never thought it could. Not for the better either. I hope in time I can get over it, but I doubt it.