Breakdown

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I’ve not been sleeping well these past few days. I have used the excuse of a television series that I recently became interested in as the reasons behind it. Last night I have a meltdown. I cried I think for about three hours. I am still sick, but not as bad so I am assuming I am getting better. I know when I do not sleep as much, the thoughts in my mind turn from positive to negative, and all that bad stuff in my life comes up.

I am not sure if I am ready to talk about my issues, or what has traumatically happened in my life.  I was able to talk about my Rape, but that was the hardest thing to write about. The other stuff that has happened in my life is much worse. Will I ever be ready to discuss it, to rip the scabs off and truly reveal who I am? I am tired of having this huge wall around me. I always thought it was for my own protection, keeping the negativity away. I think this was my coping mechanism, but really I don’t think that is the case.

I think I keep this wall up to protect myself from myself. I don’t allow people to get close to me, therefore I never allow myself to truly experience anything at all. I find I sabotage myself with people. I am uncertain why I do this. Perhaps I am just afraid? I think it is time for me to sit down and really reveal who I am. Whether I am ready or not. Perhaps this will heal my wounds. Perhaps this will help me to mend my soul, and repair my mind. We shall see!

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