So a dream I had the other night really has upset me. I was at some sort of party. It was semi-formal feeling and at this party I saw my father. Now my father is still alive, so this is one reason why this upset me. My father and I do not have a good relationship. We never really have. I am not ready yet to write about why, but I know eventually my readers will find out. So please no probing questions.
Now, in my dream my father hands me inheritance checks and a will and then he just vanishes. The feeling of this was that he died and was completely gone. I thought maybe he was really ill, or what but since we do not talk I have no way really of finding out. I did get my mother to ask my sister how my dad is doing but he doesn’t really talk to any of us. (He is healthy just an FYI)
So after being upset for a few days and after the scenario with the frog I thought I would research some more on death, and loss in dreams. If anyone has realized I am huge into signs, and symbols in life, among other things. So what I found out was that part of death or losses in dreams represents a shift in your waking life, of coming to peace and moving on. I think that after so many years of being angry, upset, and depressed and just down right manic over why my father never accepted me, or had a want to be a part of my life, or even that of my daughters I think I am done.
My soul and my heart are tired, of the turmoil, the fighting, and the stress. I have done everything I can to have a wonderful relationship with my father, and I will admit that I was angry with him for a long long long time. Nearly two decades of anger! I can admit that I love my father, and I want a relationship with him. I email him, call and leave messages, send him letters, pictures and everything. I have truly tried, and I can admit you can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink it.
So I think this dream was really my soul speaking to me. Telling me that it is time to move on. That is it alright to be hurt by this, but at the same time it is alright to still love my father and still want to be a part of his life. Now whether or not he chooses to be a part of mine, which is his choice. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders, and my heart. Yes it is hard to go days without people you love, especially if they are alive and have a chance to be close with you.
I am still feeling the emotional strain from the dream. It was a very scary feeling because I truly believed that I was at fault for everything that happened. I know now that I am not perfect, and I accept anything I have ever done that was wrong in my life. I do not regret my decisions they are what molded me into who I am today. My choices have led me to my path today, and if people cannot accept me for whom I am, than they do not deserve to be in my life.
I love my father but it his choice not to be in my life, not mine. Ten years down the road if he wants to speak to me, he knows where I am, and how to contact me. I will be willing to welcome him back with open arms, but it is time for me to move on, and to raise my daughter to be a loving mother, a wonderful independent hard working woman, that makes right choices based on her own beliefs and not what people tell her. It is time to transform into the next step of my life. 30 years is right around the corner. My life is not over, it is just beginning.
I am excited for the many changes about to happen, for what doors will open, and for better memories to fill my life!